Last night, at dinner alone with my two children, I sat there… in a daze. I sat and watched my youngest two eat their dinners. Laughing and smiling and talking to each other. One was talking about her next sporting event and my other was talking about his upcoming school play. They went about this adult conversation. Back and forth, taking turns and politely not interrupting the other from saying what they felt was important to get out. They are both so amazing. As I glanced around the restaurant taking an occasional bite or sip of my wine I’d notice couples. Some eating away, never saying a word. They looked so unhappy. I wondered what was going through their heads. I’d see these couples focusing only on what they were eating and never even looking up from their plate or thanking the waiter for a refill on their drinks. Their kids jumping around and throwing food at each other. Screaming and neither parent stepping up to teach them. It brought to mind if nearly every marriage hits that point. Where neither adult wants to be the adult. Neither wants to be the bad guy. Finally, the little girl dumped her drink and it went into the dads lap and he jumped up. He said in a FIRM, under his breath voice, “Now sit down and straighten up, you know how to act when we are out to eat. Clearly your mom, like always, isn’t going to step up and show you that she has expectations. Damnit Chelsea, why do I always have to be the disciplinarian?” First I don’t agree with down talking the other parent in front of kids, but I’m going to pause what was said next because I felt this guys pain. So many years, I felt like I had no help from my husband. I did the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, the errands, the shopping, the school runs, the homework, you name it…. all the shit that has to get done. I know you know this because you have read it in my early posts. I know the complete bottom, (right before you crack), from having way too much on your plate from physically doing it all. My husband felt like his role was to get up go to work and come home. End of story. He was earning money for his family, which was great but I worked too. I just felt familiarity in the mans words. Then SHE said what she said. She said, “How about you go ask Samantha to help you. Seems like she knows how to help you with all your other stresses in life.”
Soak that sucker in.
Guess what. I’m Samantha.
Well not me… I’m not HIS Samantha, but I’m a Samantha.
I instantly felt for this guy. Yes, yes I felt for her too, because she was obviously hurt by choices her husband made and maybe her depression from his affair caused her lack in helping I don’t know the whole story. I felt her pain for a second, (I still feel bad about what I did to HIS wife). BUT, I understand first hand, my needs, (my AP’s needs), not being met and doing, (or feeling like you do), everything alone. A spouse can be right there in the house and be checked out. I just personally have the husband that physically WASNT/ISNT there/here. I bet somehow he met Samantha innocently, (or maybe not), but either way you don’t walk up to someone and pull your dick out of your pants and she lays down on the floor, and an affair starts. I hate to bust your bubbles but that isn’t how it usually starts and I’m pretty sure your spouses aren’t having affairs with hookers. What happens is conversations occur. Laughter happens. There isn’t five loads of laundry needing to be done and a spouse yelling from the bathroom that they have no clean boxers and its your fault. It starts sooooo simply I can’t even express. A door being held open for a woman who’s husband has dropped the door in her face everyday when they leave for work to car pool together. A woman touching a mans shoulder asking if he had a good weekend on Monday morning! Even eye contact. Couples can’t even look at each other half the time. Or it could be a man making a new pot of coffee at work, (because he took the last cup), and a woman thanking him for doing so. Its amazing what five seconds of kindness does for someone who is on empty. Thing is, sometimes that person is just as empty and that conversation over a coffee pot every morning at work becomes wanted… needed almost. That coffee leads to a innocent coffee invite for lunch. You think its okay, you’re working, he’s a coworker so you go. And you for a moment lose track of time because get this! YOU ARE HAVING FUN! You leave go back to work and you can’t focus. You never noticed his eyes. His smile. That laugh. You look down and you have a text message on your phone. Its from your husband it reads: Can you go get Tiffany from daycare she is throwing up? Your mommy instinct kicks in, and you go to leave and your car won’t start. The problem with the car is that your husband has promised he’d look at it for two weeks in a row that it has been stalling on starting, and he still hasn’t. Football and beers with the neighbor guy had been more fun. You text your husband that the car won’t start and he starts yelling at you like its your fault. You call the sitter about the sick kid and she informs you that its okay and she will see you in a bit and then mentions that your husband hasn’t paid her yet. You told him three times NOT to forget to pay her but now you have a late fee. You look up and the coffee guy is walking to his car. Since when did he walk that way? He comes over and asks if everything is okay. You explain the situation. He looks under the hood, jumps your car, shuts the hood and hands you his brother’s business card who is auto part owner and mentions it probably is just the battery. You go to daycare, don’t turn off the car in fear of it not starting, get your daughter, drive to the battery shop, get the battery at a killer price because you know somebody and drive home. You walk into your house, its a bomb, theres a message on the home phone that your teen didn’t show up to three of his classes. There is water on the floor that the puppy knocked over and your husband is sitting on the couch watching ESPN. Somehow the crock pot got shut off, your 9 year old tells you that a major project is due tomorrow and all you can think about is coffee with coffee guy today. You try and start a conversation with your husband about buying the battery and the car working now and he gets all butt hurt that you didn’t let him do it like he said he would. Regardless of you being stranded at work and him never coming to help. And just like that you hear a ping. You look down at your phone and its a text. ”Got your number from the work employee book, glad the car battery ended up working. Hope you have a good night! See you at the coffee pot, bright and early tomorrow, can’t wait!”
Can’t wait? Why can’t he wait? What is he thinking? And just like that…. butterflies. And just like that… it starts.
Now I’m not saying that normal life crap and drama cause affairs. However I am saying no help and needs not being met, (emotional, sexual or just simple help) will lead to people finding ways to having those needs met. Someone doesn’t just hold a door for you and you jump on them undressing them. I just realized at dinner that if this man truly didn’t have help at home and she never did anything, after awhile that adds up, takes a toll. I’m not saying its right to have an affair. I’m not saying that is how you handle a loveless, helpless, sexless marriage. I’m saying this situation makes it easier for someone to step out, if even to shortly gain their sanity. Marriage is 50/50. There are times its 80/20 but you better catch up on your 80 next week when the other is having a 20 week because it gets old being the 80 all the time.
I snapped out of my daze. My wine was gone, the waiter handed me my bill, I paid, took the food left over to go and went to walk out and guess what, (I swear this happened). The two kids that were acting up went out the door. The wife went out the door and let the door fall, the husband picked up a hat his son dropped ran into the door saying thanks for holding the door and then said let me get that for you to me, and held the door open as my kids and I walked through. In thinking about this the entire meal, I turned around and made eye contact and said, thanks for holding the door! He said, you’re welcome. His wife was already to the car snapping at him to unlock it that it was “fucking cold out, could you hurry the hell up.” She then had to add a rude comment affecting me, “Is HER name Samantha too?”
What a B.
Came home, did homework with the kids, took a shower, got into bed and read.
My husband didn’t come home last night because Sunday night he got into my pills and after the argument he went to his moms. Guess he was staying there again last night.