I’m still here.

Last Saturday night was bad.

We went to a friends bday party.   I had two drinks in a four hour time frame…. as did MOST of the adults.  It was a group of people in their 30′s and 40′s that were having a good time.  Sitting on a back deck in the sunshine, laughing and just having fun.  That is until my husband had to be the one that got trashed.   Had to be the one to embarrass me.  Again.   Had to be the one that drank too much.  Had to be the one that had me apologizing.   Playing his air guitar in this kitchen in front of a dozen or so people.  Thinking he was fucknig hysterical.  I was so embarrassed.  I was so mad.  I was so hurt.   My poor kids.  What a joke.  We drove 99.9% of the way home in silence.  I was boiling…. I was about to explode.   He couldn’t even talk, when he tried to he slurred.

We were three blocks from home and I yelled, Why is it always you that acts like an idiot?

Why is it always me that is embarrassed?

Why is it always me that is apologizing?

Why is it always me that has to time my drinks and be the responsible one?  And don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean I want to get trashed, its me being a RESPONSIBLE parent, realizing we have to drive home.

Why can’t you stop at one or two drinks?

We pulled in the driveway and the kids walked in the house and went straight to bed, they had been sleeping in the car… it was late.

I stood at the garage door when his slurring I mean yelling started.

“Why do you always have to be such a bitch?  I wanted a wife, not a mother.  Why do you always have to be so stuck up and so perfect?  You are a fucking bitch.  A guy can never let loose and have a little fun around you.  You have to be so straight laced and stuck up and self centered!”

Each word hurt.  Each word from his drunkness slurred into the next.   The five sentences blended together in one slobbering mess.   All I could say was, “GET OUT!”

He said, “Let me get my keys”

I said “HELL NO you are not driving anywhere just leave, call someone, you have your phone.

He walked out of the garage and I closed it and hit lock on the keypad feature.

I was shaking.   I was so angry.  I was pissed.

I picked up the phone and called his sister who lives like five blocks away from us.   She said she’d go get him.

I am sick of him falling off of this wagon.    Hell I am sick of his wagon.  Buy a damn seatbelt already.

In my anger I did what I wasn’t supposed to do.    I was so hurt and so angry.  I am so mad at myself.   I sent a text to HIM.  I know stupid right??  All it said was this:

“I am so hurt, so angry, so alone and you were right.  You told me it would happen again and it did.  The difference now, is that you are not here to carry me away and make me forget.  I want you to be with your family.  I don’t miss our affair, I miss our friendship.  I miss having someone to talk to.  I miss feeling like someone cared about me enough not to be an asshole and treat me like shit.  Thank you for that year and a half that you did nothing to hurt me, and did nothing but make me smile.”

I set the alarm on the house, put the dogs in their kennel, took a Xanax,  glanced at my phone at the text from his sister, “Got him- he’s trashed, you have put up with too much for too long!”   and cried myself to sleep.  

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14 thoughts on “I’m still here.

  1. Does your last picture mean you are ready to end things with your husband?

    It seems he fails to realize that if he didn’t want a mother he should stop acting like a child, that he routinely obliterates the line between “a little fun” and “way too much fun”, and that trying to protect not only yourself but your kids and even himself from his behavior is not self-centered but what is best for EVERYONE.

    Can he truly reach rock bottom if you keep holding him up?

    • I don’t feel like I have been holding him up… I made it very clear I was giving him one last chance and that he was on his own in doing it. He made it past the thirty days he begged me to let him show me he was genuine. Here is my problem… clearly we can’t be around any alcohol. How do I make that happen when these are my friends? Their parties and their events? I am not the one with the problem? Do I have to live in loneliness and never celebrate anything because he has a problem? I understand and respect not having alcohol in our house… but I don’t want to be the wife that is like, YOU CAN’T go, and I will not be the wife who shuts out my entire life to save a marriage… I will not be married in complete loneliness.

  2. I’m so sorry!! His sister is right, I’m sure many other people think it too. You need to start thinking about you as your kids. As a child that grew up with parents drinking, fighting, and turning their anger on me, it hurt, still does. Think about your kids. I know the word “divorce” hurts and is hard, but it sounds like it would be better for you and your kids.

    I’m here of you want to talk, you know how to get ahold of me. our24yearagegap@yahoo.com

  3. I understand your anger, your resentment, your rage. All of it. Absolutely and completely. You deserve to be happy without that noose around your neck.

    But sweetie…*gently* Texting HIM…not good. Not good at all. It’s cracking open that door.

    • I know… read my last post… HE knew it was a text I didn’t mean. I love that about him… I was just so angry. So upset. So hurt… I feel like no one loves me the way HE did. I know it sounds stupid. I’m tired of being second to things my husband is addicted to. Its a very lonely place to be.

      • Just like your husband turned to drugs and alcohol for comfort, you turned to HIM.

        Neither of you have dealt with things appropriately. I know you have tried, but recovery isn’t easy. I think that part of you still longs for the life you had with him…you desire exactly hat you had with HIM, but you will only have that in a half-assed relationship.

        A full-on relationship has problems, arguments, fights. You each make mistakes, but along the way you learn to get better. You two have had some serious issues in BOTH your lives for the past few years. Honestly, I wouldn’t have given him such a short amount of time. It isn’t just him that has to get better. And 30 days…not even 6 months will do it sweetheart.

        Just something to think about.

      • I am the first to realize this. I am. I am disappointed in myself. I am… I was glad at what HIS response was. I am not making excuses but we need to remember I had ONE affair during a two year split from my husband. Was it right? NO. However… I have dealt with his addictions for five of the eight years we have been together. I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting. I don’t expect my marriage to be roses… I just can’t deal with drugs and drinking anymore. Nothing justified me texting him. I regret it. I do… Neither of us has texted back… a week. It proves to me how final it is… I am okay with that… I am not saying I am perfect. I never did. I am human… remembering the one time in the last five years that I was happy. I never said this was all my husband… I’ve made it very clear that I have struggled all along with this. And I think 30 days WAS reasonable being that he didn’t even live in this house for almost three years.

      • and Wendy, what I actually desire is to be loved the way HE loved me. I want that person to be my husband. THAT is what I want. What I don’t want is to be alone. For another five years while he is off being stupid. I want to try. I truly 100% threw HIM aside and moved on and everything was fine while my husband kept his word. I didn’t run to the next thing.. I was so angry. Hurt I guess is more the word… it is hard to explain.

  4. It is lonely. Because you are second, he is putting himself and his addiction first. It isn’t fair. And you CAN’T help your husband. He has to want it himself. And sadly, he doesn’t want it enough, not yet. So, what you need to answer for yourself is, how long will you wait for him to figure it out?

    The thing about HIM is that…if he did love you the way you say he did…then he wouldn’t have done it the way he did. THere in lies the issue. Would you two have had the same love if you both had to deal with the day to day life issues that you’re dealing with now? Ex wife, ex husband, kids, responsibilities, etc. What you had with each other were only the good things. The “fantasy” parts, because you didn’t have to see the mundane and ungly things too. So that’s the problem. If you two did end up together, minus the spouses, i”m not sure that world you had before would still exist. Not like it was then.

    I do agree with you though, if you’re headed for divorce, find YOU first. Find yourself, love yourself, get YOU happy. Then everything else will fall into place, and I know someone will love you the way HE did. You can find that. Even if it isn’t HIM.

  5. I really suggest you read Codependent No More. I hate it when people recommend books, so I’m sorry to be THAT person. It really sounds like you are looking for a way to deal with this. It gives a lot of coping skills for being with an addict – of any kind.

    The first thing I learned was that I can’t be responsible for him. So if he got drunk and started yelling at me I would do the same thing you did – lock him out. But I would stop there. No calling his sister for him. Not asking him why. Because you know as well as I do that he doesn’t have a good answer.

    I hope you can find some peace and a way to separate yourself from the drama. His problems and demons are his to conquer – or not. In the meantime I think you are right to protect yourself whatever way you think is necessary. Whether that is a separation, a divorce, or some other conditions – I wish you the best!

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