I can’t call him. I can’t. I won’t. I don’t need to be strong here.
I just need to be logical.
It is just so hard to know right or wrong, HE makes me happy and has ASKED me to call him.
But I won’t.
I hate this weather. I mean I love it, it is my favorite, but I hate that it brings HIM to mind.
I am so angry at my husband.
Dear ___________ (my husband),
You asked my daughter, (who is old enough to babysit) to watch our kids when you told me YOU (my husband) would, to go get high on a cocktail of pills? REALLY? I am assuming you had planned to come back like nothing had happened before I got back? YOU make me want to call HIM. YOU make me want to pick up the phone and beg him to just hold me. YOU make me lonely. YOU make me angry. YOU hurt me. YOU put pills in your mouth to feel better. YOU know what makes ME feel better? HE does. and HE wants me. HE said he’d leave his WIFE for me. BUT guess what? I’m better than that. I deserve MORE than that. I want love like I had with HIM, but I want HIM to be with his WIFE and family. Letting HIM go should show how much I love him. Letting go of you should show YOU how much I love you too. I’ve decided to walk away. I wish you the best. Live or Die, its up to you, but for kids, I hope you choose to live. I can choose not to have a husband but they will always have you for a dad, now if you decide to be a FATHER that is up to you. When you get your life straight don’t hate me for finding someone. Don’t hate me for smiling again. Don’t hate me for looking forward to nights that I get to lay on the couch with MY family and snuggle against MY husband watching movies eating popcorn. Please remember how long I waited for you to get help. How long I waited for you to ‘wake up’. How much I spent on getting you help. How many tears I cried. How many times I begged. How many plays you are going to miss. How many bandaids you won’t get to put on skinned knees. How many broken hearts you get to help your daughter through. How many questions for a dad your son had. I hate pills.