From my mind to HIS inbox…

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Hey you.

It was nice to talk to you.   Its so odd, what hearing your voice does to me.   I know it sounds sappy and girly but it stirs something up inside me.  Lets all these feelings flood my thoughts and gives me this calm feeling and this ache in my chest.   After I got off the phone with you I went to bed.  I’m laying there thinking a million thoughts a minute.   I imagined being there with you.  How if the opportunity made itself present I wouldn’t have one second of hesitation, I’d be there. I don’t understand how I would never, ever, EVER consider doing anything like this, but with you I’m okay with it.
I was thinking that every marriage has its issues.  Every single one.  Thats life.  And where I know that the issues in my marriage are pretty substantial, he is trying.  Our doctor put him on a new medication that I, (like a mother), watch him swallow everyday.  How sad.  The way it works is if he takes ANY pain pill he won’t get the ‘high’.  So it basically makes taking a major pain pill like taking a tylenol.  Which is good and bad.  I hate that I have to treat him like a child and say, “Take your medicine that will keep you from lying and stealing to/from me”.    He is ashamed, he is embarrassed.   The thing is I don’t think we will EVER be able to get back where we were.  Before the pills, before the band, before you and me.   It’s just not there.   I just realize at the end of the day no one is perfect.  Why is me liking you, and wanting you badly any different than him liking pain pills and wanting them?  It comes down to it is something you want, that makes you feel good, and you’d do nearly anything to get it.  Now, I’m not really comparing you to a bottle of pills, (well kind of I am).  Is love and addiction really that far apart?  I could give you up.  I don’t want to.  I’d be brokenhearted.  I don’t feel obsessive over you.  If I did I’d be knocking on your door, demanding my love for you like some crazy Shakespeare play.  The reason I think it is love and not addiction is I COULD walk away.  I could let you go because I love you THAT much.  However, I am terrified to face that sadness and that final goodbye.   Finding you on the same day, at the same time, on the same website, in the same state, minutes apart, feeling the same way in our marriages and clicking the way we did is not a coincidence.  The famous art of learning to love something you can’t have.
I’ll never forget that one time a long time ago, you made a comment that you were getting to a place with me that you didn’t like thinking about S and I doing things.  We only talked about this once or twice but I understood your feelings.   I wouldn’t call it jealousy, I just didn’t want to share you.  I loved that I was able to be with you in ‘that way’.  Never back then did I think there would be a time where I couldn’t be with you at all.   Where it wouldn’t be easy.  Where you wouldn’t have a limo run at least once a week.  Where I couldn’t comment on your Facebook anymore.  I miss your Facebook posts for sure!  I loved seeing your political posts, KNOWING I’d hear about them in person too.   I just have all these perfect memories with you.  And they are all amazing.  They will never erase from my memory. Silly ones like you sitting on your couch when we were moving you in because you were tired and I grabbed the sink hose and threatened to spray you.  You said it wouldn’t reach you and after aiming for the sink we saw the spray power was massive.  I COULD HAVE drown you like a rat.  The fear in your eyes at that moment that I was going to was priceless.  You sitting across from me at our house on the back deck, you dishing up dinner brushing against me ‘accidentally’ . You rubbing your nose over and over while I was at your house, (that being sign that you were thinking of me).   I have that picture of your butt with a plastic fork in your back pocket on my phone. The one that you were at the baseball game and you put your butt towards me and said “FORK ME”.  I found it hysterical but D and S not so much LOL.  That day was crazy.  S and D were bored, (S hates baseball) and I just don’t think D was having a good time but maybe I was wrong.  I was having a blast.  The kids were happy, you were there, you were dancing.. (that made my day) and I was watching baseball!  And then to end it by playing catch with you was so much fun.   I’m so upset with myself for letting our families get so close.   I selfishly wanted to see more of you.  I never thought I’d end up loving your kids, (well I love all kids but I mean genuinely care about them).  In the beginning, I thought there was no way I’d end up ‘really liking D’ because of all the ways she was hurting you.  I didn’t hate her, I just didn’t know her.  And low and behold we hit it off.  She was funny, she was a great friend, she is a superb mom, yet I could see what you were talking about in the areas that you weren’t feeling like a husband.  That you felt forgotten.   I saw you do a lot of the work, heard her put you down, and heard my daughter,  when she came home say ‘mom they never hug or touch or sit together, it is so weird’.  I didn’t know if it was because she was there or, (if like you said), there was just very little affection. I guess where this letter is going it, I am so glad I met you. I would miss you if you were gone.  I was so moved by the kind things you said about me the time before last that we spoke.  Its nice to know someone sees your qualities and your good character, even if it is wrapped up in these character destroying acts like having an affair.   Underneath my choice and my actions, I am human, kind, caring and genuinely a good person.  I know you are too.  I don’t ever wish for S or D to go away… that would be heartless and it has never been a wish of mine.   I do however, wish that I could love you and be with you without anyone ever getting hurt.   And thats just it, I’d rather hurt than hurt anyone else.
It was so nice to talk to you,  I’ve missed your voice.  You were the last thing I thought about last night and the first thing that came to mind this morning.   I hope you have a wonderful day.
143.

Well hello strangers!

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Sorry.  My life has been up and down.  Whats new?  I think that is why I haven’t been blogging.  You guys have to be tired of hearing the same stories over and over again.  I just keep saying the same things, I love my husband, his addiction to pills is stronger than his love for me.  But I love him.  He tries but again and again he fails.  Oh and lets not forget the continued rambling of how I miss HIM (the other man), and how happy I WAS and how he has been emailing me.  Maybe his emails will start to be what I blog about… I don’t want to get boring.

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So I was sick, you all know this.  My husband stepped up.  Took care of the kids made me soup, bought me orange juice I did not get out of bed for four days I think… (funny thing I can’t remember my days and nights, they all blended together)…. geesh!  I had a Christmas Present from one of my clients to have dinner at his restaurant, (a really nice place) and by that evening I felt a little better and we had to use the dinner that night.  So to show my appreciation to my husband for stepping up, (and boy did he ever step up, we went to this dinner.  Five course meal, beautiful presentation, so much food.  It was crazy.  I felt great during dinner… walking back to the car because the restaurant was downtown, it hit me.  I didn’t feel sick but my energy was gone.  I went from fine to exhausted.  I wanted to sit down and have him just go get the car, it was only another half a block away.  I said, “I knew I shouldn’t have done this, it was just too much too soon. I barely made it to my car, my husband drove us home and I went straight to bed, only to be awoken a half hour later by my daughter vomiting.  Great.  Poor baby and I can’t even get out of bed.  I managed to get up and walked up to my husband dealing with it and I just started crying.  I was so sick I couldn’t even be a mom.  I instantly grabbed my head it was throbbing and I had a fever.  My husband starts the shower, puts my daughter in and I go to take my meds and realize the bottle (tiny keychain thing) that I keep two pain pills in for an emergency is empty.   I wasn’t going to take a pain pill, but I moved that container to get to my Advil bottle in my purse.  I went from sick to livid and crying made it worse.   A great night ended with vomit, missing pills and tears and being let down again.  He knew instantly when I said you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.   His head fell.  How many times?  This is like ten?  Who is the stupid one by this point.  I was so angry.  Sunday I got up (he had slept on the couch because I locked my bedroom door and had turned on the monitor to my kids’ rooms) and out of being stubborn I acted like I was fine but I was one hurting unit.   I was still sick.  Sunday my son started throwing up that day.  The entire time I was sick I didn’t have a stomach bug I only had the flu and strep.  But low and behold, Tuesday I got the stomach part of it.  O.M.G. I am sick of being sick.   Its all over the today show and news how bad the flu is… they are calling it a national emergency.  Well let me tell you what.  IT IS NOT FUN… it is so bad.  Flu is always bad but I have never been that sick.   So I’m just getting to where I feel good.  I still tire easily like around four pm.  The time of day where my body just says, “Okay you need to stop, you are still getting better.”   I’m trying to listen to my body but it is so hard.

To make all of this worse.  I open my email, (you know the one I can’t bring myself to delete), to an email that says two things:

I miss you so much, you are in my head constantly.

I am going out of town for four days for work.  I wish you could come with me.

Uggg.  Damn.

Thirteen Reasons Why Your Marriage May Fail In 2013…

Thirteen Reasons Why Your Marriage May Fail In 2013….

Good read. I did feel these were pretty common reasons for a marriage to fail, but it could fail any year not just 2013.  He could repost this next  year too.  LOL.  Made me think how many of the ways my marriage *could* fail this  year.  Can you find my big reasons per the article?  Which numbers?  If you know me well enough I bet you could.  :(  Sad.

FML

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My furnace went out.

It was six degrees last night.

My furnace is six years old and had a five year warranty.

The furnace being broke caused a pipe to break under my kitchen sink.

I guess maybe its a good thing that my plumber also does heating.  Sigh.

Oh and the best part… this financial hit comes THREE (YES THREE) days after Christmas.

And no, I don’t have a fireplace.  And yes I live in a state where MOST people do.

 

FML.

The day before Christmas

So Monday, Christmas Eve my business that I own was closed.   I am never closed.  What do most people do on Christmas Eve?  Shop? Clean and get ready for the big day? Plan their Christmas Dinner?  Be lazy and watch football?  NO not me!  I always have my girly doctor appointment.  I can remember it that way (when it is) and always have the day off lol.

So I’m laying there on that table… you know that awkward hard/cold/plastic/paper table.   My doctor does my breast exam and says all looked good, (yay!!!) and then goes to the end of the table and sits on her little chair.  She guides my feet to the stupid foot rests and tells me to relax.  That statement always annoys the heck out of me.  Relax?  Really?  You are about to put cold, awkward things into my body and tell me things like you are going to feel my uterus as you push to my spine through my stomach, all while you are telling me to relax. But whatever.  What I am getting at is when she was down there, she looks over the paper cloth draped over my legs and asks, “So while I’m in here, (my mind is screaming please don’t say IN) how about we take this IUD out because it is due to expire in April, before your next appointment and we can either put another one in OR talk about other birth control.  I said Okay because I knew April would have been five years that it had been in and thats when you get them out.   As she takes it out I get this anxious feeling.  It was kind of a final straw to realizing my relationship is pretty much done.

She asks if I want another one put in and I said no.

She finishes up and helps me sit up.

She looks at me and says okay, so what forms of birth control should we consider?  That was the moment.   The moment that I tell someone in person outside of my best friends that my marriage was over.   I started bawling.  I told her I wouldn’t be needing birth control.   She asked if I was sure because she knows how fertile I am… she said are you sure you don’t want to go on a pill because you two could make up or you could meet someone else.   I agreed only because I didn’t want to talk about it.  She filled my prescription for birth control, (ones that aren’t supposed to affect my migraines) and I have no plan to fill them.   I have no plan in having sex.  If I get to a place where that changes I’ll fill them.  Until then I guess ‘that area’ of my life is closed.  Sigh.

I walked to my car and started crying.  The littlest things make you realize how much your life has changed.  A simple not needing a pill or an IUD.

Sorry.  This post maybe to much info, I just had to get it out of my head.

 

Took my youngest two to see Santa.

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It was so cute.  They were so cute.  My son, (the youngest child) just looked at Santa speechless and with wonder.  His eyes were huge.  My son was captivated.  My daughter spoke a million miles a minute.  She was so excited.  She for sure did enough of the talking for BOTH of them.   I stood back and watched and let them both have their minute.

A bunch of thoughts went through my head.  Thinking of being a kid at Christmas.   The excitement.   Thinking about how all this get up, the lights, the man in the suit, the beard the annoying little elves helping, (do only bitchy women apply for this job), the music and the over priced pictures and the crowed of stressed out parents, babies crying and kids demanding their wishes is all forgotten the second you see your child look at him.   I miss that magic.  I miss that excitement.  I miss that REASON in life to imagine and believe.

So I paid $14.00 (SHIT) for a Polaroid of my kids sitting on the lap of a (surprisingly) very real looking Santa.  To have them come running to me in total excitement.  My youngest said I saw Santa and ___________ (my daughters name) told him what I wanted.  I asked him why HE didn’t tell Santa what he wanted and he said his “words were stuck”  how cute.

My daughter just then pulled on my sleeve and pulled me down to her tiny face.  She pushed my hair behind my ear and whispered in my ear, “I told Santa I want daddy to be home more”.

FML.

Tears filled my eyes.

Fucking pills.

Damn affairs and broken hearts.

My child has given up any and all desire for a gift that a normal seven year old girl would want.  A pony.  A Justin Beiber CD, an iPod, and has asked for the one thing that a CHILD should never have to ask for.

My poor, broken baby girl.

So tonight it is supposed to snow….

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Which tells me what tomorrow will be like.

He is always in my head when it is snowing or cold.

My husband came over tonight.  He helped with dinner.  It was nice, (it was really good too).  He came over because my two youngest kids are sick.  He came to see them/help.  The help was nice but I find that it puts me in this instant foul mood.  I am finding that I am annoyed at everything when he really isn’t doing anything wrong.  I am so sick of feeling like this.  I know what it is.  I know that it is just the anger that I feel over everything that has happened surfacing.   I am so pissed that him being here is a treat for my kids when it should be the way it is all the time.  I am so pissed that he helps with dinner which should be a normal occurrence.   I am so pissed that it is awkward trying to get him to leave, seeing him let down a little that I am not asking him to stay the night.   I am so FUCKING pissed that he did this to us.

I am so pissed.  And hurt.  And sad.  And lonely.  And missing HIM and wanting my marriage back, and hating drugs….

I seriously could go on forever.

I am sitting in a dark room lit only by the Christmas tree, the kids are in bed and my ipod is playing on the Bose stereo softly.   The Song is Singalong Junk by Paul McCartney.   Its a great song.  You tube it.  LIsten to it.  It is relaxing.  It goes well with a good red wine and WordPress!  :)

My tree is beautiful.  It looks pretty damn happy.  I don’t think I ever found time to sit and look at my tree all alone.  With a laptop in my lap and a glass of wine at my side.  How fucking depressing.

I checked on the kids.  Made sure they were covered.  Its cold here tonight.  A bunch of snow is expected.  I checked their heads and made sure their fevers were still gone.  I leaned against the door frame listening to their breathing.   Those poor mommies and daddies that don’t get to see and hear this anymore because of that shooter in Connecticut.   It is heart breaking.   Makes all my problems and issues no where important.  I have no right to complain about anything.  They all were so beautiful.

Guess I need to stop complaining now.  I have no reason to do so.  I’m truly blessed, with or without a husband.  I have five beautiful children, and I am so very thankful.  I, if I had one wish would give anyone who has ever lost a child, their child back. I can’t imagine that pain.  Even the thought of it is excruciating.  I couldn’t imagine.  I wish those parents didn’t have to feel this pain.

Selfish bastard with a gun.