I asked this emailer (TKM), if I could post her email because it moved me SOOO much. I can relate to it on so many levels and so many feelings. I have looked into the mirror and just stared at myself wondering who I was and what I’d become. Looking at my spirit filled numb body. Realizing when I looked in the mirror after being around my husband and then again after being with HIM how it was like two completely different people standing there… body language and confidence both. A look of being dead and empty or a look of being alive and fulfilled. Just based on who I was with. Let me stop talking… (writing), here is her email. I’ve never posted email before… I asked her if I could post this and got her permission. Please don’t think if you email me I will post it or talk about your email. I NEVER will unless I ask you and get your permission. Please feel free to comment after reading, I’m sure she would like your comments/thoughts and opinions too!
I cannot believe I am emailing you. I don’t even know what it is I am looking for. My only release is to write and cry at the same time. Live to see another day, and then do it again.
This is what I wrote tonight.
I came upstairs to sit next to my husband. I watched as he did not even look up to acknowledge me there. His head bowed as he started intently at his phone playing an online game. The television blared of the basketball game and I thought to myself, he is quite the multi-tasker of forgettable moments. I walked away into the restroom. Stood at the sink and looked at the reflection staring back at me. Is this my life? I remembered just 6 days ago my boyfriend made me laugh endlessly over breakfast. I noticed how he adored my smile, my laugh and stared at me with kind eyes. He listened to what I had to say and conversed with me displaying interest and understanding. The topics varied from something to nothing at all.
As I stared into my own eyes in the mirror, stripped of all makeup I remembered that day. I still can feel the moment as he reached across the table and brushed his fingertips against my cheek, moving a curl from my face so he could look into both of my eyes. I was looking down at the time and wanted to look up, I wanted to give him the look that moment deserved but instead fear kept me from moving. I paused in my story, fumbled over my words. I muttered “I lost my train of thought”. He laughed “you always do”.
I was afraid to look up at that very moment in fear that I would fall again. Fall for the man who hurt me twice already. I had cried for so many days straight and at one time was in a blank zone that I feared returning to that place if I let my guard down. I wanted to let go more than anything and feel what I felt before. Feel what I knew he once felt for me as well. However my heart was over ruled by my mind, once again. I think of that day and think to myself, what fun times. But now that’s then, this is now.
I have to be done with this rollercoaster ride. Deep inside I know what I once meant to him. I know the mistakes that were made on both ends. I am also aware of what was real and what was real covered in guilt in fear. There is nothing to do other than to except it. I have to respect the place we are at now. Even if for me it is a lonely place. Deep inside I knew he would do this again. When I let him in, I knew I would be the one to hurt in the end.
This passive easy way to let me go is still, just that. It is still, letting me go. We needed each other for a moment, though I needed more he got his fill. Perhaps I cured his weakness, calmed his fears and cleared his insecurities and now he leaves with the piece of me that I gave to him, and once again, I stand here alone within a crowded room, invisible.
The hardest thing for me is coming to the realization the very thing I need someone to fall for so that my body can feel amazing, is in fact the very thing that ruins my relationships. Do I blame myself? Do I blame my past? Can you blame anything when it has been subconsciously instilled in you to not trust. I have never met a man who dove deep enough into my soul to kiss away my insecurities, wipe away my fear and show me how to fly. Am I deserving of love from the opposite sex? Or am I trophy? Is my heart ever understood, my mind ever explored? Do I simply fulfill a purpose for others? To fix, to heal, to inspire, to believe and at the end of the day as an individual woman, remain alone?
This is torture. To put myself through such heartbreak and misery is foolish. But is there truth to the saying “I would rather have loved and lost then to never have loved at all” I am not speaking of the love that grows in time. The unconditional, comfortable love. I am referring to the butterflies that come swarming in your belly, the clouds that fill your mind, the chills you receive when you tell a story of a single moment you had with someone. Where you toss and turn at night because you can still feel their touch.
I think to myself I should just cry. Let it out, everything you feel just release. Then… you need to let it go. But I know that a thousand tears that stream down my face tonight could never end the pain I feel inside my chest and the hole that fills my stomach when I think of letting go. I never knew this kind of pain existed…to loose someone that was never yours.
He was my missing piece so that I could continue on and do the right thing in my life. Although a small piece that I held in my pocket, it was essential for the complete picture. Without it, I remain, me…as a woman…incomplete.
I stand here stripped, naked in truth. Bare, with all my flaws to see. I fell in love. I fell in love with his mind, his need to be seen, his insecurities, his internal struggle to do the right thing, I fell in love with all that he showed me he was outside of home. The very core of who we are and what we hold inside often lies in the eyes of our mistress. They hold our weaknesses and our dreams. We accept blindly and love childishly without blame, mistakes, resentment or expectations. It is to give and receive the very best of someone and appreciate it fully.
beautiful. real. heartbreaking. I get it. I feel it. I know it. All too well.
Two things nailed my heart…
“ I never knew this kind of pain existed…to loose someone that was never yours“
and her last statement:
“I fell in love. I fell in love with his mind, his need to be seen, his insecurities, his internal struggle to do the right thing, I fell in love with all that he showed me he was outside of home.
The very core of who we are and what we hold inside often lies in the eyes of our mistress. They hold our weaknesses and our dreams.
We accept blindly and love childishly without blame, mistakes, resentment or expectations. It is to give and receive the very best of someone and appreciate it fully.“
Woah. If we have mind strings, as we do heart strings… this email is pulling on mine….
SOMEONE GETS IT. SOMEONE HAS FELT WHAT I FEEL.