Remembering a day (or two) with HIM.

I slid the hotel card into the door.

The little light turned green and the lock clicked.

I opened the door and put the Valentines Day Card and chocolate on the bed looked at the beautiful room and turned and walked out.   I rented the room for two days with a late check out.  I knew he would get to the room first because I had to take my kids to school and I wanted to leave him a surprise for Valentines Day.  I left a second key for him at the front desk.

I went shopping.  All I could think about was my ‘next day’.  I was SO excited.   He sent me cute little texts and emails saying he was looking forward to meeting me.  I will never forget I found a scarf that I loved.  It was yellow.  I found this grey sweater-vest that was long and matched my grey boots perfectly.  It was amazing to me how good I felt.  I felt physically good.  Emotionally good.  I felt like I looked good.  I was glowing almost.  A emotional state that I hadn’t felt in a LONG time.  I knew what I was doing was wrong.  More so for him than I being that my husband had been MIA for nearly two years.  I had talked to him for almost a year at this point and had been seeing him for about four or five months.

The morning came.  I was excited, nervous, scared, anxious, happy… I felt sooo many emotions.

I entered the hotel and walked to the elevator.  The huge copper colored doors opened to mirrors on all sides and I stepped in.  I remember thinking the weightless feeling of being in an elevator is how my stomach felt without the elevator….  I knew he was in the building. The elevator came to a stop and the doors parted.  A sunlit area was before me.  I retraced my path from yesterday and went straight to the door.  I found it cracked and butterflies flew from my stomach to my throat.   He stood up from the chair when I walked in and walked up to me.  He said hi and I think I melted into a pile of nothing on the floor.  He grabbed my scarf and kissed me.  I saw the opened card on the bed.  Thats it.  Kissing started, touching began, clothes were removed, sheets were pulled down, skin was felt, nothing was awkward, everything was meaningful.  Phones were shut off.

It wasn’t sex.  It wasn’t fucking.  It was intimate.  It was sharing something with someone that you’d been close to for almost a year now.  It was sharing something with someone that knew how much you were hurting in life.  Sharing something with someone who had been forgotten at home too.  Sharing something with someone that wanted to share everything with you.   Those eight hours went so fast.  I still think about it and other than having room service bring us lunch, we didn’t do anything but pay attention to each other.  Later that evening when he left I just laid there.  My mom had gotten my kids and had planned on keeping them.  That bed was full hours earlier yet so big and empty when it was just me.  I had the windows open to the most beautiful sunset and city lights.  I laid in that bed for hours.   The pillow he laid on still smelled like him, (I wanted to take it home so bad lol).   I knew I loved him.  At this moment.  I loved him.

As far as my husband goes…. sit down…. that post will be coming soon.  Talk about a lot going on…. GEESH.

Took my youngest two to see Santa.

It was so cute.  They were so cute.  My son, (the youngest child) just looked at Santa speechless and with wonder.  His eyes were huge.  My son was captivated.  My daughter spoke a million miles a minute.  She was so excited.  She for sure did enough of the talking for BOTH of them.   I stood back and watched and let them both have their minute.

A bunch of thoughts went through my head.  Thinking of being a kid at Christmas.   The excitement.   Thinking about how all this get up, the lights, the man in the suit, the beard the annoying little elves helping, (do only bitchy women apply for this job), the music and the over priced pictures and the crowed of stressed out parents, babies crying and kids demanding their wishes is all forgotten the second you see your child look at him.   I miss that magic.  I miss that excitement.  I miss that REASON in life to imagine and believe.

So I paid $14.00 (SHIT) for a Polaroid of my kids sitting on the lap of a (surprisingly) very real looking Santa.  To have them come running to me in total excitement.  My youngest said I saw Santa and ___________ (my daughters name) told him what I wanted.  I asked him why HE didn’t tell Santa what he wanted and he said his “words were stuck”  how cute.

My daughter just then pulled on my sleeve and pulled me down to her tiny face.  She pushed my hair behind my ear and whispered in my ear, “I told Santa I want daddy to be home more”.

FML.

Tears filled my eyes.

Fucking pills.

Damn affairs and broken hearts.

My child has given up any and all desire for a gift that a normal seven year old girl would want.  A pony.  A Justin Beiber CD, an iPod, and has asked for the one thing that a CHILD should never have to ask for.

My poor, broken baby girl.

Love (tri)angle

Love (tri)angle.

 

I LOVE This post!

And my Ex now wants to show compassion. Again.

I was so sick on Saturday and Sunday.  I had the worst migraine.  Vomiting.  The whole nine yards.  I could NOT be a mom, I could not even get out of bed.  I did cry knowing full well that would make my head hurt that much worse but thats all I could do.  It got so bad and my meds weren’t working that I wanted to go to the hospital.   My parents are out of town, my sister lives in the mountains.  Who was I going to call.   My son has a permit and could drive me but then who would watch the younger kids? Next thing I know my husband is at my house.  He offered to take me to the hospital so my oldest son could stay with the kids.  Perfect I thought because I sure the hell didn’t  want to leave him at my house.  I don’t trust him to stay out of my shit.

So we get in the car and I don’t know if any of you get migraines but your sense of smell is on a HUGE high and even the littlest smell can make you want to throw up.  The car moving made me sick.  He pulled over for me to get sick, (OMG, really?!?!) he ran around the car with baby wipes for me.  I just started crying.  I wanted to die right there.  I’d get sick and my head would throb.   He kept saying he was sorry.  I finally snapped asking him to please shut up, I didn’t want to talk about us.  He said he was saying sorry because I wouldn’t be in pain if  he hadn’t taken my medication.  I informed him I can’t hold anything down so even if I had pills, (which he did leave me a few) I couldn’t hold them down for them to work anyway.

We get to the hospital and walk in.  I can’t see, (due to the visual flashes and crap that fly through your vision during a migraine) so he is filling out all of my forms.  The nurse comes out and calls us back to a room and another guy comes in to start my IV and I start crying like a baby.   I am the worlds biggest baby about IV’s.  I can do shots, and tattoos, and childbirth but bring in an IV and you’d think they were cutting my arm off.

They guy looks at me and smiles, he promises me I will be fine and that he is good at this.  No help, I am still crying.  My husband grabs my other hand and makes a comment that I was never good at this.   I just have shitty veins and they can never find them.   My husband is holding my hand and I don’t know if I’m more irritated with my headache, the guy doing my IV or my husband holding my hand.  Just then I am going to throw up again.  HERE IS MY BIGGEST HOSPITAL PET PEEVE.  They hand you this teeny tiny kidney shaped bowl to throw up in.  Either you vomit the amount of a three month old baby spitting up OR you have extreme talent to not over flow the puzzle shaped bowl and get an award for not missing.   Can I just have a trash can or go to the toilet…. this is some sport or something.

Next thing I know I am not hurting (amazing pain meds in my IV) and my husband is holding a washcloth on my forehead.  Damn.  He used to be so kind.  I start crying.   He asks if I’m okay I said yes, my head just really hurts.  I thank him for bringing me to the ER.   I fall asleep to him rubbing my hair.  I get sent home two hours later with meds for my vomiting, pain and migraine.  He says he will stay late and make the kids dinner.  I put all my medication under my mattress upon which I was laying and went to bed.  I woke again at 9pm freaking out got out of bed.  Came out to the main room and he was on the couch watching TV.  He said he did our second youngest homework with her and put all the kids  to bed.  He had made them dinner and cleaned up the dishes.  I said thank you and realized he had a bowl of the soup he made the kids in the microwave for me.   The thought was nice but the thought of food made my stomach roll.   Why can’t it be like this?  Him helping.  Him being clean. Because if it was I’d stay with him in a heartbeat.  Under all the drugs and crap he is a really good, caring man.

Where I am at.

Over my husband falling to addiction.

Over being the other.

So.  I’m calling my divorce attorney.  It can’t be saved and I’m exhausted from trying.

I’m deleting my email, the one that HE knows.

Why is this so hard?  I pack my days with staying busy to not think about it but it doesn’t matter.  Its the middle of the night that rips your heart from you and runs away with it, laughing and pointing, as the sun comes up.

 

60 pain pills filled six days ago.

12 left.

Fuck my life.

I wish he would just get better, and leave my shit alone.   Its unreal to me how he finds the things I hide, and when he manages to do it.

And he was doing so good.

Everybody has a…

Everybody has a….

 

True.

So it’s been awhile.

Maybe its because I don’t have much to blog about.   I used to feel like I had the world in my head spinning at a million miles an hour and all I could do to get it out was blog.

I now feel like I am kind of boring.   You know my whole story.  My everything.  I don’t know if you even want to hear any of it anymore.   Crazy I guess.

The leaves are still changing and falling here.  I, (like you know) love this time of  year.   Its beautiful.  Races romantic thoughts through my head.   HE is the most romantic person I know.  However I will say that my husband this morning from his moms house texted me the most odd text message.   Odd for him.  I had to look twice to make sure it was from my husband and not HIM.   But it was from my husband.   It read:

“I miss your warm body at night.  I really know now I would be lost without you and our family.  I want you, I need you, I miss you.  I am the luckiest man to have you.  I miss your sweet touch and I am going to get better so I can feel it again.”

Yeah.  I still have heart-strings.

Lately….

Update on me and my kids would be just a normal update.  My husband calls and talks to me every night like we did when we were dating.  Late night phone calls.   I SOOOO bad want to ask him to come over but I won’t.     I am going to let this just be the opposite of what I want to do or what I would normally do.   So we talk.

The kids are doing great.  I am getting a little stressed out with the sports schedules, (I always do this time of year).  I feel like we don’t eat as healthy because we are rushing dinner to get to practices, rushing home from practices to do homework and then rushing to bed.  I feel like I am rushing through my kids’ childhoods.  They are growing up so fast.

I went to the funeral of Jessica Ridgeway.  It was heartbreaking.  If you don’t know the story (and I don’t know how you wouldn’t have heard about it), a little girl age 10 disappeared here on her way to school.  The parents were cleared and the investigation began.  They found *PART* of her body and through DNA confirmed it was her.  It is heartbreaking.  Our poor babies.  I keep finding myself sick over the thought of how badly she must have been hurt before dying.   I pray she passed before this monster tortured her into pieces.  The funeral was moving.  TONS of children and families attended.  This amazing community we have.   Now we have had more attemepted abductions.  Both before and after Jessica.  It is so scary.  I am SO glad my children don’t walk or ride busses to school.  That I am able to get them from door to door.  I stepped up as a safe parent and offered to drive other children home so that they wouldn’t have to walk, but I am very well known in the school my kids attend.   You are not seeing kids playing outside right now.   You are not seeing kids at the park.  If you do their parent is standing RIGHT next to them, they are not sitting on the park bench glancing up every ten seconds from their book.  No one says hi.  Everyone is shutting down.    I can honestly say I haven’t forgotten to set the alarm on the house at night ONCE since this thing has happened.   Again, it makes me want my husband home.  I hope we catch this sicko before any other children, (or adults) get hurt.  I know we will find him or her eventually, and get justice for Jessica.  Jessica, I hope you RIP and shine down on your mommy and daddy.  I can’t imagine how badly they hurt right now.

Hug your kids tighter.   And not just when this stuff happens.

Tell me

Tell me what to do and how to do it.

Tell me to wait for my husband to get better.

Tell me to walk away from him and divorce him.

Tell me to wait forever in a situation that will never change.

Tell me to pick up the phone and call HIM.

Tell me to move on with my life alone but not get divorced.

Tell me what the fuck to do because I just don’t know anymore.

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