It’s quarter to eleven and I’m feeding the baby. Her room is dark except for the dim lamp and quiet except for the rain sound machine. As I rock her I sit here thinking about you. I have a husband asleep in my bed. Oblivious to the jobs of parents. Homework was done, lacrosse and volleyball practices attended, dinner made and baths given. Laundry folded and put away. Counters wiped down as kids packed their backpacks for the next day. Reading was done and birthday love was given all as he just slept. You see he is in pain again and on more pills I assume and has missed another day. So last but not least I rock my tiny 5mo old to sleep crying alone. I’m so tired of doing it by myself. It’s not that I can’t and it sounds so selfish. I just want something to look forward to when the kids are in bed. That quiet alone time with a partner, the one you adore. I haven’t had that for years, 7 at least. So I rock her. Thinking of you. Wondering if your night was good. Wondering if you had help. Or wondering if you did it all alone too. Wondering if you’re doing the last minute things before bed and thinking of me. Wondering why we stay or why we try. I just don’t know anymore. I hope you’re sleeping. After all it’s 11pm and when tomorrow comes we get to do it all over again. Goodnight babe, I wonder if the moon is breathtaking tonight? I haven’t looked in awhile.
Question for all of you. At what age do you feel you were able to clearly think when it came to love. I received an email from a reader, and I would never blog your story unless you told me I could. But I’ve been thinking a lot about her email. She is in a very similar boat as me. Long story short she told me her story and as I read my heart broke because I too know all her feelings. The loneliness, the anger, the jealousy, the excitement, the butterflies…. all of it. And I read and read her story and then I read the one line that I keep thinking about. She is a teenager. Now I don’t want to start judging anyone so I am asking. Can you know love, (really KNOW love) before the age of lets say…. 22? My reply must have sounded like her mother, and for that I feel bad but I have kids older than her. I would just be heart broken if my child was caught up in an affair. UGH. I guess this situation doesn’t choose its ages. I won’t give details on her story because I didn’t ask to blog it, I just am so taken back on a full grown married man (my age) having an affair with a teenager, (she’s of legal age, I will add). She swears up and down that its love and she loves him. I don’t think I knew anything other than a crush until I was 22. So in the comments do two things for me. 1. At what age do you feel you REALLY knew what love was, and 2. Give one example of the age you WERE when you THOUGHT you knew what love was.
1. I don’t think I knew what TRUE love was until I had a child. I know thats a different kind of love but I truly think its the only ‘true’ love I’ve known this far. I do love my husband but have been hurt so much so often by him, and I don’t think true love hurts…. maybe I’m wrong. And I know I love HIM very much. I love so much about him. I just wonder if true love is more so when there is nothing to hide and everything is out there and open and honest. Wait, what am I talking about…. of course it is. I am almost 40 and I think I’m STILL learning what true love is.
I love and miss you all! I am getting a lot more open time now that my youngest blessing is sleeping through the night so my insomnia should get me back to blogging now!
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 110,000 times in 2014. If it were an exhibit at the Louvre Museum, it would take about 5 days for that many people to see it.
She is here. She is beautiful. She is five weeks old. I’m completely in love.
Being a new mom is getting more normal and I am finding time to do my old things and be my old self. Can’t wait to get back to all of you!
I’m still here. Your comments and emails still come to my phone! :0) Thank you for all of them. My life is spinning right now. I feel like half the time I need to stop and catch my breath. Thank you for all your kind comments and for following. Has anything changed at home? Yes and no. With HIM? Yes and no.
Getting close to my due date! Ten more weeks! Exciting! It’s a girl. Not sure that I posted that or not. I’m excited and ready to meet her.
Just know I am here. Just know I see and read everything that comes to me and I try try try to reply to each of you. I just haven’t had the time to sit down and actually blog about me. Soon. LOL oh wait, soon I’ll have a newborn. UGH.
Yes I miss HIM.
Yes I talk to HIM.
No I haven’t seen HIM, (in forever). I’d be afraid to see him. I think it would hurt too much. Talking is somehow…. enough.
My husband? Pills are less of a battle. I just like always can’t close the distance that we both created. Sigh.
More soon, I promise.
Someone so much it hurts?
Your lips keep trying to speak
But you just can’t find the words
Well I had this dream once;
I held it in my head
She was the purest beauty
But not the common kind
She had a way about her
That made you feel alive
And for a moment
We made the world stand still
Yeah, we owned the night
You had me dim the lights;
You danced just like a child
The wine spilled on your dress
And all you did was smile
Yeah, it was perfect
I hold it in my mind
Yeah, we owned the night
When the summer rolls around
And the sun starts sinking down
I still remember you
Oh, I remember you
And I wonder where you are
Are you looking at those same stars again?
Do you remember when?
We woke under a blanket
All tangled up in skin
Not knowing in that moment
We’d never speak again
But it was perfect;
I never will forget
When we owned the night
Yeah, we owned the night
I am here but my life has been insane.
My best friends baby died of sids. She was six weeks old. It has been heartbreaking.
My family is doing great.
I’ve gotten a ton of emails from all of you asking when I will blog again, and I promise I will get back to it. I miss you all. I miss reading blogs more though. I just have three of my kids playing sports and my business gets a little crazy in the summer. Know I am here and I am good! Keep up your blogging so I have a great amount to read and catch up on when I get back!