Someone commented on my blog post about pancakes. 😦 “He said I deserved someone to make me pancakes… so I avoid pancakes because they make me think of him.” I dropped my phone and accidentally deleted your comment. I’m sooooo sorry. I loved that comment. I so get it.
So many of the blogs, (bloggers), I loved are gone. At the peak of my story, when I blogged nearly daily, I had a group of bloggers that I really got to know in the ‘blogging world’. We’d comment on each others posts, offer an ear or advice… Really got to know each other. I still have a couple of them… but when I click on some of their blogs now it just simply states that the site can’t be found and has been deleted. Time moves on. It’s kind of sad…. Like myself bloggers are real people. I really loved their stories, their comments and their friendships. It’s not always cyberspace… real people sit behind those keyboards. Dang. Missing them. Some of you are still here and for that I am completely thankful.
Every time I’m mad at my husband I think of you.
Every time I see something amazing I want to see it with you.
Every time I want to try a new restaraunt, I want to go with you.
Every time I see a couple whispering and smiling at a little table, I think of you.
Every time I see an airplane I obviously, think of you.
Every time I see a limo, yeah well of course I think of you.
Every time I find an empty pill bottle that my husband has found, I think of you.
Every time I wake up, I think of you.
Every time I pour a glass of wine, I stare at the way it coats the glass and think of you.
Every time the snow falls, I think of you.
Every time I smell the perfume you loved, I think of you.
Every time I see the color red I think of you.
Every time I hear those songs, I think of you.
Every time I see a bed-side-table with a ring upon it, I think of you.
Every time I see a table in a cafe window with traffic outside buzzing by, I think of you.
Every time the moon shines brighter than normal, I think of you.
Every time fog forms on car windows, I think of you.
Every time I see a woman talking down to her partner, I think of you.
Every time I see someone working hard to provide for their family, I think of you.
Every time I see a couple holding hands, I think of you.
Every time I see a baseball game, I think of you.
Every time I see a plastic fork, I think of you.
Every time I see a old blue Chevy truck, I think of you.
Every time I see a pair of Ray Ban sun glasses, I think of you.
Every time. All the time. Always.
*pic from google images
Well lets be honest. It never left but some days are harder than others.
It’s always been amazing to me that the certain way things can happen, or the things that just randomly occur, or the way something smells can make a memory come back and just overtake you. Often these memories make you remember your childhood or doing something in particular. However sometimes, it brings the moments you had with someONE back to you. Sometimes it brings a smile to your face. Sometimes it reminds you of something you have to do or someone you need to call. But then sometimes it can stop you, dead in your tracks. It can steal your breath and make you feel as if in a split second, your heart has been ripped from your chest and pulled out of your body leaving you lifeless and broken. God I miss HIM. Yes I still talk to him, and I love that but him moving out of state was a huge game changer. In no way did it change my feelings, or his, it just changed everything else. Everything.
Last week we had our first snow storm. Yep, that is one of those “things” that can occur that shoves the fact that he is not here anymore square in my face. The feeling you get when leaving a warm home and walking through a door into a snow storm and the cold air takes your breath away is the only way I can explain it. I was standing at my kitchen sink holding my coffee cup watching the snowflakes fall to the frosted ground between my two pine trees. The view caused a trance. I was standing there feeling the heat transfer through the porcelain of my cup to my hands but feeling the chill from the window on my cheeks. The same way I felt warm being with him but his finger tips on my sides were freezing from the snow we had just come in from. Before I realized it, minutes had passed with me just staring out the window. I don’t even know that I was breathing during that time. Slowly reality comes back. Sound comes back. My kids. The music playing. The furnace snapping on. The dishwasher going. The dog slamming up on the door to be let back in. Reality. I blink. Focus. Take a drink of my coffee and realize its gone cold.
What takes you back? What makes you think? What makes time stand still if even for a moment or long enough to make your coffee go cold? Smells, songs, quotes, and weather are my main memory triggers.
Not sure I agree. Not sure I disagree. Just an article I found.
Nothing is new. My life is still insanely busy. I can barely keep up. Being a mom to many and running your own business can be a lot. So much has changed. My three oldest kids are living on their own, two of which are married with babies!! :0) Leaving my younger four still living at home. Between work, life, and day to day to do list’s I attend their sports. Volleyball. Softball. Rugby. Tennis. Lacrosse. I. AM. SO. TIRED. And yes that baby of mine is now a week away from being two. I don’t know if she is worse than all my others or if being 41 and having a two year old is what makes it harder. All I know is she is everything I deserve when looking at the likeliness of Karma being a real thing. Holy shit. Seriously. I love her though. From her toes to the tips of her curly wild hair.
I know I know… the above part isn’t what you are wanting to read. You want to know about HIM. You guys are so faithful in your emails. I try and reply I swear. About your emails and my replies, I need to make a post on that! Talk about some of your complex stories! Wow! You guys email me and I have to read your emails three and four times in complete disbelief and speechlessness when you ask me to reply with advice. UMMMMM I don’t know what to do when your husband walks in on you showing your new bra to your boyfriend who happens to be his cousin and you all end up in jail, after which you end up having an affair with the District Attorney! I’m just kidding-that isn’t really an email that I received, however they are some crazy situations!
Okay I’m rambling. Maybe I’m trying to avoid crying. Nothing is different. I know that bores you and that isn’t what you want to read.
I think last I mentioned they were talking about moving out of state. Well he found a job that really wants him. His wife is on again and off again in wanting him to take it. I totally get it and her feelings. Everything she knows is here. Their kids are all in school here with family here. It, (I imagine), is VERY hard to up and leave everything for a job that is in another state where you know nothing or anyone. But the offer they gave him was amazing. The best job offer he has ever had. Of course he says she is torn for different reasons, (which as a wife and mother I COMPLETELY get). She is on the fence about moving her children. Taking them out of their schools and that state that is the only state they have known. He said he’d go out first and find a place and get situated and let them finish school and move them out there in May. One day she is for it, and the next she is against it. And she swings. Daily. He says he understands her basic feelings of hesitation.
The thing is I am super proud of him. He always tries to better himself. Work hard at work and get things done. Teach. Take classes to better himself and when he feels stuck or like there is no movement at the job he is at he actively looks for new work and he has moved up in income and titles like you are supposed to strive to do. I love that about him. I fail to see that with my husband. He would stay stagnant forever if he was comfortable. That drives me crazy. Day to day. Easy come easy go. Well that works for Jimmy Buffet but for the rest of us….. it gets flipping old.
As you can imagine this has caused a storm of emotions in me. Excited for him. Proud of him. Happy for him. He deserves this. He really, really does. Regardless of his actions with me, he has worked very hard in life and truly deserves this job. HOWEVER. In telling him how very proud of him I am and how excited I am for him, my heart seriously feels like it is being ripped out of my body. Now some of you get it. You’ve been here and walked in these shoes and have had to say goodbye or walk away. Then, some of you are laughing and telling your computer screens, “serves you right you stupid B….” we’ve been through this before. I was the woman that judged others. Pointed my fingers and said, “OH I WOULD NEVER EVER HAVE AN AFFAIR”…. until you do. So simmer down finger pointer. The comments don’t affect me anymore. Because I was that commenter.
Yes, I’m sad. Yes, I’m jealous. Yes, I keep crying. Thing is nothing really will change. We rarely see each other now, yet we talk every single day. Talking to him every single day isn’t going to change. That will continue. But knowing he isn’t 15 minutes away and that he is several states away is sad. However lets be honest, I won’t dread running into them at a sporting event or restaurant anymore! :0) However, I won’t be running into just him in some beautiful hotel room on the 9th floor overlooking the snow capped mountains either. Of course this is just the icing on the emotional cake. There have been a ton of conversations, and a ton of tears and evil hateful jealousy that wishes she’d tell him to go and to take his kids with him because she still wants a divorce approximately every eight weeks. But then that is that green in me. At the end of the day he isn’t mine.
Oh and my husband…. same shit, different day.
Love to you all. Thank you all for still being here.
The words came casually from HIS lips through the phone today. Small talk tone.
“We’ve been discussing leaving Colorado.”
I heard everything that followed but have no idea what it was. I’m broken.
I have no words at how I feel.
Laying here at 1:30 in the morning unable to sleep. I can’t seem to turn off my thoughts. I wonder if you’re sleeping or awake dealing with your own thoughts. These sleepless nights I have, always lead to thinking of you. I think back and think ahead. What it was like and how it could be. I wonder how life is so simple at times (sunshine and sweet tea) and so complicated at others (moving, pill addiction and affairs). Simple truths like loving someone so much; tangled and wrapped into complicated situations like (again), loving someone so much. Loving you (YAY) but loving you (OUCH). I get to talk TO you everyday (Yay) but I don’t get to talk WITH you (Ouch). I try really hard to always see a glass as half full and usually go above and beyond that in being thankful for having a glass at all, but it’s hard sometimes. I want to fill your glass. In person. I want to repair your empty. In person. You have been this giver/solver/fixer/repairer in your family forever. I have been this peace keeper in mine. I’ve been a silent wall builder. Building a wall to protect my emotions. My kids and your kids keep us going through the motions. Anyone will tell you not to stay married for kids. Wish it were that simple. You’re an excellent father. I admire you for your hard work. Your effort. Your unwillingness to quit. You inspire me to keep trying when I want to just drop and cry. I love that you share your needs, wants, desires and dreams with me. I love that I’m the one you trust with all that information. I love that you trust me with all that information. I’m so thankful that I get to be that person for you. I’m babbling. Tonight was a bad night. I had 60 pills. I had them in my purse for my migraine I had last week. I took four. Two Wednesday night and two Thursday. That leaves 57.
I now have five. He will never change. Ever.