What brings it all back…


Well lets be honest. It never left but some days are harder than others.

It’s always been amazing to me that the certain way things can happen, or the things that just randomly occur, or the way something smells can make a memory come back and just overtake you.  Often these memories make you remember your childhood or doing something in particular.  However sometimes, it brings the moments you had with someONE back to you.  Sometimes it brings a smile to your face.  Sometimes it reminds you of something you have to do or someone you need to call.  But then sometimes it can stop you, dead in your tracks.  It can steal your breath and make you feel as if in a split second, your heart has been ripped from your chest and pulled out of your body leaving you lifeless and broken.  God I miss HIM.  Yes I still talk to him, and I love that but him moving out of state was a huge game changer.   In no way did it change my feelings, or his, it just changed everything else. Everything.

Last week we had our first snow storm.  Yep, that is one of those “things” that can occur that shoves the fact that he is not here anymore square in my face.   The feeling you get when leaving a warm home and walking through a door into a snow storm and the cold air takes your breath away is the only way I can explain it.   I was standing at my kitchen sink holding my coffee cup watching the snowflakes fall to the frosted ground between my two pine trees.  The view caused a trance.  I was standing there feeling the heat transfer through the porcelain of my cup to my hands but feeling the chill from the window on my cheeks.  The same way I felt warm being with him but his finger tips on my sides were freezing from the snow we had just come in from.  Before I realized it, minutes had passed with me just staring out the window.  I don’t even know that I was breathing during that time.  Slowly reality comes back.  Sound comes back.  My kids.  The music playing.  The furnace snapping on.  The dishwasher going.  The dog slamming up on the door to be let back in.  Reality.  I blink. Focus. Take a drink of my coffee and realize its gone cold.


What takes you back?  What makes you think?  What makes time stand still if even for a moment or long enough to make your coffee go cold? Smells, songs, quotes, and weather are my main memory triggers.





Still here.

Nothing is new.  My life is still insanely busy.  I can barely keep up.  Being a mom to many and running your own business can be a lot.  So much has changed.  My three oldest kids are living on their own, two of which are married with babies!! :0)  Leaving my younger four still living at home.  Between work, life, and day to day to do list’s I attend their sports.  Volleyball.  Softball.  Rugby.  Tennis. Lacrosse.  I. AM. SO. TIRED.  And yes that baby of mine is now a week away from being two.  I don’t know if she is worse than all my others or if being 41 and having a two year old is what makes it harder.  All I know is she is everything I deserve when looking at the likeliness of Karma being a real thing.  Holy shit. Seriously.  I love her though.  From her toes to the tips of her curly wild hair.

I know I know… the above part isn’t what you are wanting to read. You want to know about HIM.  You guys are so faithful in your emails.  I try and reply I swear.  About your emails and my replies, I need to make a post on that!  Talk about some of your complex stories!  Wow!  You guys email me and I have to read your emails three and four times in complete disbelief and speechlessness when you ask me to reply with advice.  UMMMMM I don’t know what to do when your husband walks in on you showing your new bra to your boyfriend who happens to be his cousin and you all end up in jail, after which you end up having an affair with the District Attorney!  I’m just kidding-that isn’t really an email that I received, however they are some crazy situations!

Okay I’m rambling.  Maybe I’m trying to avoid crying.  Nothing is different.  I know that bores you and that isn’t what you want to read.

I think last I mentioned they were talking about moving out of state.  Well he found a job that really wants him.  His wife is on again and off again in wanting him to take it.  I totally get it and her feelings.  Everything she knows is here.  Their kids are all in school here with family here. It, (I imagine), is VERY hard to up and leave everything for a job that is in another state where you know nothing or anyone.  But the offer they gave him was amazing. The best job offer he has ever had.   Of course he says she is torn for different reasons, (which as a wife and mother I COMPLETELY get).  She is on the fence about moving her children.  Taking them out of their schools and that state that is the only  state they have known.  He said he’d go out first and find a place and get situated and let them finish school and move them out there in May.  One day she is for it, and the next she is against it.  And she swings.  Daily. He says he understands her basic feelings of hesitation.

The thing is I am super proud of him.  He always tries to better himself. Work hard at work and get things done.  Teach.  Take classes to better himself and when he feels stuck or like there is no movement at the job he is at he actively looks for new work and he has moved up in income and titles like you are supposed to strive to do.  I love that about him.  I fail to see that with my husband.  He would stay stagnant forever if he was comfortable.  That drives me crazy. Day to day. Easy come easy go.  Well that works for Jimmy Buffet but for the rest of us…..   it gets flipping old.

As you can imagine this has caused a storm of emotions in me.   Excited for him.  Proud of him. Happy for him. He deserves this.  He really, really does.  Regardless of his actions with me, he has worked very hard in life and truly deserves this job.  HOWEVER.  In telling him how very proud of him I am and how excited I am for him, my heart seriously feels like it is being ripped out of my body.  Now some of you get it. You’ve been here and walked in these shoes and have had to say goodbye or walk away.  Then,  some of you are laughing and telling your computer screens, “serves you right you stupid B….” we’ve been through this before.  I was the woman that judged others.  Pointed my fingers and said, “OH I WOULD NEVER EVER HAVE AN AFFAIR”…. until you do.  So simmer down finger pointer. The comments don’t affect me anymore.  Because I was that commenter.


Yes, I’m sad.  Yes, I’m jealous. Yes, I keep crying. Thing is nothing really will change.  We rarely see each other now, yet we talk every single day. Talking to him every single day isn’t going to change.  That will continue.  But knowing he isn’t 15 minutes away and that he is several states away is sad.  However lets be honest, I won’t dread running into them at a sporting event or restaurant anymore! :0)  However, I won’t be running into just him in some beautiful hotel room on the 9th floor overlooking the snow capped mountains either.  Of course this is just the icing on the emotional cake.  There have been a ton of conversations, and a ton of tears and evil hateful jealousy that wishes she’d tell him to go and to take his kids with him because she still wants a divorce approximately every eight weeks. But then that is that green in me.  At the end of the day he isn’t mine.

Oh and my husband…. same shit, different day.

Love to you all.  Thank you all for still being here.


Racing thoughts. 

Laying here at 1:30 in the morning unable to sleep. I can’t seem to turn off my thoughts. I wonder if you’re sleeping or awake dealing with your own thoughts. These sleepless nights I have, always lead to thinking of you. I think back and think ahead. What it was like and how it could be. I wonder how life is so simple at times (sunshine and sweet tea) and so complicated at others (moving, pill addiction and affairs). Simple truths like loving someone so much; tangled and wrapped into complicated situations like (again), loving someone so much. Loving you (YAY) but loving you (OUCH). I get to talk TO you everyday (Yay) but I don’t get to talk WITH you (Ouch). I try really hard to always see a glass as half full and usually go above and beyond that in being thankful for having a glass at all, but it’s hard sometimes. I want to fill your glass. In person. I want to repair your empty. In person. You have been this giver/solver/fixer/repairer in your family forever. I have been this peace keeper in mine. I’ve been a silent wall builder. Building a wall to protect my emotions. My kids and your kids keep us going through the motions. Anyone will tell you not to stay married for kids. Wish it were that simple. You’re an excellent father. I admire you for your hard work. Your effort. Your unwillingness to quit. You inspire me to keep trying when I want to just drop and cry. I love that you share your needs, wants, desires and dreams with me. I love that I’m the one you trust with all that information. I love that you trust me with all that information. I’m so thankful that I get to be that person for you.  I’m babbling. Tonight was a bad night. I had 60 pills. I had them in my purse for my migraine I had last week. I took four. Two Wednesday night and two Thursday. That leaves 57.  

I now have five. He will never change. Ever. 


(Picture from Google Images)

Tonight I’m in the bathtub as I blog. Wacko I must be. But I do a lot of thinking in here. The kids are in bed. Dogs in their crates. Dishes are done. Laundry was folded. I tried to read my book, but can’t seem to take in what I read.  My head isn’t in it.  I ordered in Chinese.  I twirled my noodles around on my plate with my chop sticks listening to my kids laugh. They’re my world. My poor 11 year old.  She’s making my heart worry.  Tween years are so hard. They’re not little like kids but they’re not big like teens.  She’s so mature for her age.  She’s a state lacrosse player.  She’s really good. I’m not just saying that because I’m her mom.  She has straight A’s in school.  She’s a tomboy for sure and it’s making life hard for her right now.  She doesn’t fit in with the girls because she’s not like them. But the boys want noting to do with a girl. She’s kind of by herself right now and it makes me really sad.  The principal says the boys get upset in gym because she plays nearly all the sports better than they do. This was told to me when I went in to talk to him because the top boy athlete asked her why she’s so good at sports and asked her if she was a lesbian IN FRONT OF SOME OF THE BOYS!! Now, I have nothing against anyone who’s gay. Nothing.  I support gay marriage completely. If you’re a male, in love with a male that’s great. If you’re a female and adore with all your heart your female partner awesome.  You have my support.  But to ask that question to a girl who struggles daily with who she is and how she should fit in is wrong at 11.  To make matters more confusing my mother in law IS gay. So my daughter asked me after this incident if that was genetic.   My poor daughter.  Now. I work with kids everyday. I have all kinds of education on child development and kids in general.  Was it bullying? Maybe a little but the principal says he watches my daughter get plays abs touch downs and baskets and home runs when they can’t. I realize that’s hard for a boy to constantly be outdone by a ‘girl’ but come on!!! My heart just hurts for her.  We’ve talked a lot about great female athletes and female role models and how her sexuality is not something to decide now.  Lacrosse starts back up in a month and I can’t wait. She’ll be around other girls her age that like sports and are as good and better than she is.  Get her mind of the kids at school.  Ugh. My husband has been in bed for hours. His galblader is bothering him. Or so he says. It’s always something. 

My bath water is cold.  More on this later. 

The ugly green troll peeked around the corner. His name tag read, “Jealousy.”

Well hello blogging friends.  I hope you all have been doing well.  I have really missed a few of you… okay well most of you, but there were a few that really got me.  Didn’t judge. You make some really great friends in some really random places.

I have been doing well.  I’d like to say things were different in one way or another but they are not.  The only thing that seems to have changed is my kids keep growing up quicker and quicker.  I look at my situation and its all the same.  My husband is still imperfect and human as we all are apparently.  His weakness for pain pills is real.  I’ve put him in rehab more times than one.  It just sucks when you know he behind all that is a good guy and cares about his kids.  I think being here and having kids is all that is keeping him going.  That right there is my fear of ending it.  If you knew staying with someone is what seriously keeps them alive do you stay? You probably find yourself in a situation fairly similar to mine.  Going through all the motions, playing house and find an outlet for your needs to be met.  Maybe those needs are only emotional.  Maybe you take it a step further and make it physical too. Then that scary thing happens where we get feelings for this other person.  That obnoxious L word shows its face.  Learning to love someone that isn’t yours to do just that, love them. Thinking about them constantly.  Wishing constantly you could turn back time and do things differently.  Which made me think.  Would you change the past to not meet this said person at all or would you change it so that you both never get ‘caught’?  Such a hard choice.  I couldn’t love HIM or miss HIM if I never had met him. It really goes to show you how big a heart can be.  You have love for people and the available room in a heart never fills.  You have room to love so many at so many different levels.

So this little thing happened which made me want to blog.  It has never happened before.  Its not something I have blogged about.  EVER.  Wow, pretty shocking right?  I feel like if it has anything to do with a struggling marriage, an affair or pain pill addiction I have blogged it all but I haven’t.  Crazy?  YEAH I KNOW!


Well here it is.

I won’t post HIS personal story of what THEY (him and his wife) are going through but it is tough.  It is requiring a big move and she of course blames him. I’m not being ugly here, I see (kinda) why she blames him for this happening but also see that she could have helped in avoiding it (in my opinion).  Anyway to get to the subject of this post…. I asked him how she was doing.  I seriously cared.  I can’t imagine the weight on him and her disappointment on top of all of it.  His reply, “She’s doing okay.  I am trying to hold her together during all of this.”


Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen.

That stung.

I understood his response.


I’m sure she is falling apart and freaking out and losing her shit constantly on the situation that is occurring.  I just wish he would have said, “She’s okay, taking it as you would imagine she would.”

But no.  He used the words, “I’m trying to HOLD HER together.”  UGH.

The ugly green giant peeked around the corner.  Fucking Jealousy.

I don’t want him holding her in anyway.  Close, tight or together.

I am not a jealous person.  I’m not.  The statement in no way meant physically holding her but still the words stung.

I do the same thing right?  I hold my husband together.  I stay in this marriage to hold him together from losing it and overdosing right? Its no different.

HE made a comment to me that when I found out I was pregnant (with my daughter that was born in Nov. 2014) and told him that he felt jealous. I couldn’t imagine how I would feel if he said they were having a baby.  So you see what I mean?  Things that really aren’t intended to hurt do.  Simply by wording or what you want to share with someone.  I want to be the one he holds together.   I am the one he’d love to be intimate with… maybe not have a baby… lol we are both too old to even think of that right now.  But you get my idea.   I don’t think being jealous ever came into play with us. So I talked to him about it.  He said it comes into play all the time.  He said he is jealous that my husband gets to come home to me every night.  He’s jealous that he gets to lay next to me at night.  He’s jealous that I get to talk to him in person at the end of each of my days.  Its just not like that.  Its so not the happy, normal marriage.  It is having a room mate.   You tell your room mate about your day.  “It was okay, its fracking freezing in my office at work!” and then you walk to the couch and sit down and watch your show.  We do the kids, homework, baths, etc, then he retires to bed to watch whatever it is he watches as I tidy up.  I will usually have a glass of wine or sometimes tea and sit on the couch reading.   I sit there soaking in the quietness thinking about what I’d be doing if I was with someone that adored me and wanted to spend that alone quiet time WITH me.  That is when I miss HIM most.

So I guess the point of this post is to get off my chest that all couples are going to have ‘together moments’ even if they aren’t in a ‘together’ place.  And that clearly things aren’t always as they appear.

HE laughed at my feelings saying, “I assure you we are no closer and couldn’t be further apart, I am sleeping on a couch downstairs and she has the bed in the room.  I use the room to get dressed each day and that is it.”

I don’t understand how two people, well four technically if you count my husband and his wife, are okay living this way?  It sounds so absurd.  That we would all stay together for the sake of kids and our spouses from making poor life choices.  Its crazy to me that you would put aside your own happiness for the happiness of others.  I just do it because it seems so selfish not to.   I don’t know.  I don’t want my children to know their father died in a car on the side of the road from taking a handful of pills, (like he almost did a few years ago remember?) because I divorced him.  I don’t want that.  I want no part of that.

So I go on…