Tomboy

  
(Picture from Google Images)

Tonight I’m in the bathtub as I blog. Wacko I must be. But I do a lot of thinking in here. The kids are in bed. Dogs in their crates. Dishes are done. Laundry was folded. I tried to read my book, but can’t seem to take in what I read.  My head isn’t in it.  I ordered in Chinese.  I twirled my noodles around on my plate with my chop sticks listening to my kids laugh. They’re my world. My poor 11 year old.  She’s making my heart worry.  Tween years are so hard. They’re not little like kids but they’re not big like teens.  She’s so mature for her age.  She’s a state lacrosse player.  She’s really good. I’m not just saying that because I’m her mom.  She has straight A’s in school.  She’s a tomboy for sure and it’s making life hard for her right now.  She doesn’t fit in with the girls because she’s not like them. But the boys want noting to do with a girl. She’s kind of by herself right now and it makes me really sad.  The principal says the boys get upset in gym because she plays nearly all the sports better than they do. This was told to me when I went in to talk to him because the top boy athlete asked her why she’s so good at sports and asked her if she was a lesbian IN FRONT OF SOME OF THE BOYS!! Now, I have nothing against anyone who’s gay. Nothing.  I support gay marriage completely. If you’re a male, in love with a male that’s great. If you’re a female and adore with all your heart your female partner awesome.  You have my support.  But to ask that question to a girl who struggles daily with who she is and how she should fit in is wrong at 11.  To make matters more confusing my mother in law IS gay. So my daughter asked me after this incident if that was genetic.   My poor daughter.  Now. I work with kids everyday. I have all kinds of education on child development and kids in general.  Was it bullying? Maybe a little but the principal says he watches my daughter get plays abs touch downs and baskets and home runs when they can’t. I realize that’s hard for a boy to constantly be outdone by a ‘girl’ but come on!!! My heart just hurts for her.  We’ve talked a lot about great female athletes and female role models and how her sexuality is not something to decide now.  Lacrosse starts back up in a month and I can’t wait. She’ll be around other girls her age that like sports and are as good and better than she is.  Get her mind of the kids at school.  Ugh. My husband has been in bed for hours. His galblader is bothering him. Or so he says. It’s always something. 

My bath water is cold.  More on this later. 

The ugly green troll peeked around the corner. His name tag read, “Jealousy.”

Well hello blogging friends.  I hope you all have been doing well.  I have really missed a few of you… okay well most of you, but there were a few that really got me.  Didn’t judge. You make some really great friends in some really random places.

I have been doing well.  I’d like to say things were different in one way or another but they are not.  The only thing that seems to have changed is my kids keep growing up quicker and quicker.  I look at my situation and its all the same.  My husband is still imperfect and human as we all are apparently.  His weakness for pain pills is real.  I’ve put him in rehab more times than one.  It just sucks when you know he behind all that is a good guy and cares about his kids.  I think being here and having kids is all that is keeping him going.  That right there is my fear of ending it.  If you knew staying with someone is what seriously keeps them alive do you stay? You probably find yourself in a situation fairly similar to mine.  Going through all the motions, playing house and find an outlet for your needs to be met.  Maybe those needs are only emotional.  Maybe you take it a step further and make it physical too. Then that scary thing happens where we get feelings for this other person.  That obnoxious L word shows its face.  Learning to love someone that isn’t yours to do just that, love them. Thinking about them constantly.  Wishing constantly you could turn back time and do things differently.  Which made me think.  Would you change the past to not meet this said person at all or would you change it so that you both never get ‘caught’?  Such a hard choice.  I couldn’t love HIM or miss HIM if I never had met him. It really goes to show you how big a heart can be.  You have love for people and the available room in a heart never fills.  You have room to love so many at so many different levels.

So this little thing happened which made me want to blog.  It has never happened before.  Its not something I have blogged about.  EVER.  Wow, pretty shocking right?  I feel like if it has anything to do with a struggling marriage, an affair or pain pill addiction I have blogged it all but I haven’t.  Crazy?  YEAH I KNOW!

 

Well here it is.

I won’t post HIS personal story of what THEY (him and his wife) are going through but it is tough.  It is requiring a big move and she of course blames him. I’m not being ugly here, I see (kinda) why she blames him for this happening but also see that she could have helped in avoiding it (in my opinion).  Anyway to get to the subject of this post…. I asked him how she was doing.  I seriously cared.  I can’t imagine the weight on him and her disappointment on top of all of it.  His reply, “She’s doing okay.  I am trying to hold her together during all of this.”

 

Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen.

That stung.

I understood his response.

Fully.

I’m sure she is falling apart and freaking out and losing her shit constantly on the situation that is occurring.  I just wish he would have said, “She’s okay, taking it as you would imagine she would.”

But no.  He used the words, “I’m trying to HOLD HER together.”  UGH.

The ugly green giant peeked around the corner.  Fucking Jealousy.

I don’t want him holding her in anyway.  Close, tight or together.

I am not a jealous person.  I’m not.  The statement in no way meant physically holding her but still the words stung.

I do the same thing right?  I hold my husband together.  I stay in this marriage to hold him together from losing it and overdosing right? Its no different.

HE made a comment to me that when I found out I was pregnant (with my daughter that was born in Nov. 2014) and told him that he felt jealous. I couldn’t imagine how I would feel if he said they were having a baby.  So you see what I mean?  Things that really aren’t intended to hurt do.  Simply by wording or what you want to share with someone.  I want to be the one he holds together.   I am the one he’d love to be intimate with… maybe not have a baby… lol we are both too old to even think of that right now.  But you get my idea.   I don’t think being jealous ever came into play with us. So I talked to him about it.  He said it comes into play all the time.  He said he is jealous that my husband gets to come home to me every night.  He’s jealous that he gets to lay next to me at night.  He’s jealous that I get to talk to him in person at the end of each of my days.  Its just not like that.  Its so not the happy, normal marriage.  It is having a room mate.   You tell your room mate about your day.  “It was okay, its fracking freezing in my office at work!” and then you walk to the couch and sit down and watch your show.  We do the kids, homework, baths, etc, then he retires to bed to watch whatever it is he watches as I tidy up.  I will usually have a glass of wine or sometimes tea and sit on the couch reading.   I sit there soaking in the quietness thinking about what I’d be doing if I was with someone that adored me and wanted to spend that alone quiet time WITH me.  That is when I miss HIM most.

So I guess the point of this post is to get off my chest that all couples are going to have ‘together moments’ even if they aren’t in a ‘together’ place.  And that clearly things aren’t always as they appear.

HE laughed at my feelings saying, “I assure you we are no closer and couldn’t be further apart, I am sleeping on a couch downstairs and she has the bed in the room.  I use the room to get dressed each day and that is it.”

I don’t understand how two people, well four technically if you count my husband and his wife, are okay living this way?  It sounds so absurd.  That we would all stay together for the sake of kids and our spouses from making poor life choices.  Its crazy to me that you would put aside your own happiness for the happiness of others.  I just do it because it seems so selfish not to.   I don’t know.  I don’t want my children to know their father died in a car on the side of the road from taking a handful of pills, (like he almost did a few years ago remember?) because I divorced him.  I don’t want that.  I want no part of that.

So I go on…

I just want to take my balloons and go home. 

  

    
My tiny dog was taken by a coyote.  

My husband went to urgent care for a reaction to medication.  (Surprise, surprise). 

My kids already have a shit ton of homework. 

I’m fighting a kidney infection. 

The baby is teething. 

My check engine light came on in the car. 

Half my clients are new which is hard. 

My phone broke and I had to get a new one. 

My son put a passcode on his iPod and forgot it. 

My alarm system keeps setting itself off. Quite scary in the middle of the night I might add. 

My daughters friend died her hair at my house and ruined my carpet and *TRIED* telling her mom that I said they could.  Ummmm yeah that didn’t fly with me. 

My neighbor has decided he’s going to grow pot and my house stinks now because my AC unit is outside by the fence. 

Oh and I’m still in love with HIM. 

I need a massage.  

Pronto.  

Five years

  
Five years. Five years ago today. Five years ago I posted a post on Craigslist saying I wanted to only talk to someone in my same boat.  Someone who was married and felt alone.  Someone who lacked that loving partner.  Someone who just wanted a friendly distraction from everyday life. Someone who wanted to only talk. No strings. No sex. No nothing. Just conversation.   He replied.   

See, I wasn’t looking to cheat. Truly.  I wasn’t looking to hook up.  Having an affair wasn’t on my agenda.  I was just so lonely.  I wanted to hear someone else felt the same.  Someone else just needed an ear. Someone else had hopes, dreams and desires in life that someone cared to hear about.  He replied.  

And it’s never stopped.  It’s changed- a lot. But it’s never stopped.  There was a huge gap in conversation when his wife found out and it nearly killed me.  I don’t have to have him, though I’d love to.  I don’t have to touch him, though I’d adore to. What I need is to see his words in text. Know he’s okay. Know he thinks of me and know he will never forget ‘us’.  And he does. Every. Single. Day.   Our marriages are in the same place. Our lives are in the same place. Our families are in the same place. The only thing new is everyday the conversations we have.  Until today. Today I saw him.  Today I welcomed his hug and became numb with his kiss.  I got to see him.  I talk to him everyday, but today I got to see him. Today of all days.  It’s been five years since he replied that very first time. Five years of laughter, tears, love and heartbreak.  Five years of loving someone you can’t have.  Five years of meaningful things like a song, the moon, a gesture or the color red.  I’ve never loved anyone more.   Ever. 

HEADS! or HEADLIGHTS!

images

It’s a quiet evening.  My kids played their sports today.  I did the mom thing.  You know where you get the kids to the fields with all their crap, your chair to watch, the dogs, the baby, the umbrella the Starbucks, (yes the Starbucks) and you sit down and realize you forgot your phone, or sunglasses or sunblock?  Yes to all of the above.  You look down to remove your flip flop to put your toes in the warm soft grass and realize your flip flop has baby puke on it, causing you to look at the baby and then look at the trail of puke running from her perfect smile all down your front when THAT mom (you know the mom) walks up to you to hand you the snack schedule.  Her and her snack schedule that is printed on her personalized stationary with her little C for Crissy or something prissy at the top.  You know, the puke free paper.  Pissy I mean Crissy looks at your baby and says, “What a beautiful baby girl, I sure don’t miss THOSE days as she sees the puke that is running down your miss buttoned shirt.  This my friends is Karma.   Karma has taken a big huge bite out of my ass for having my shit together a year ago at the football fields and being a Crissy.  This newborn thing, (okay she is five months old) is harder at 40 than it was at 26.  I promise when my Crissy status returns to offer to hold, help and tell my puke covered stories to the moms that look as if they want to run into traffic with their daughters lacrosse stick screaming.

On a more psycho note I threw a coffee cup at my husbands truck.

Yeah I’m not sure where my common sense has gone.   I think it may have fallen out of my vagina five months ago when I gave birth to my daughter.   I was in the driveway and he was in the garage.  The lawn guy had put all my flowers that he was going to plant that day on the edge of the driveway up by the garage door next to the flower bed and yep, you guessed it.  My husband pulled out of the drive way and ran over $310 dollars worth of flowers. He couldn’t hear me or the flower squashing apparently with his fucking death metal music on, (yes he still listens to that crap) and I swear it was reflexes.  My coffee cup flung.  I don’t know what shocked me more.  The fact that I threw it or the fact that my lawn guy looked like he shit his pants because he was the fucking moron who put the flowers in front of the garage door.  Now, my husbands truck is a work truck, aka a piece so it wasn’t a big deal but my point is LOOK.   He swears he couldn’t see them, I say our kids play in the driveway all the time.  Know what is in front of you or behind you prior to putting your car in drive.  I’m telling you absolutely all respect after affairs and pills and everything else has flown out the window in this relationship.

In the world of HIM, he is getting a new job that he starts Monday.  I haven’t seen him in FOREVER, seriously forever but we still talk.  Right or wrong it is my sanity.  Normal conversation.  How are you?  How was your day?  How was your weekend?  Do you have any plans tonight?  How are your kids, (that I miss so much)? Do you remember when we….  That one time was so funny when…..   I sure miss when we…..   UGH.   His wife and him are no different,  my husband and I are no different we are all four just going through the motions.  Focusing on kids, sports and life.   Occasionally waiving through our computer screens.

I wonder if you constantly have someone to waive to if things at home can ever get better.  I seriously think that if they are to get better I have to WANT them to get better.   In a way I do, but I want my husband to get better first.  Pain pills lead down a very ugly road for an addict.  A road that  seems to go in a circle in my life.

Enough bitching.

My kids are great.  They are what brings me huge joy.  I still love blogging, reading, cleaning, yes my OCD still has me cleaning like a mad woman.  My schedule is still jammed packed because it is the only way I don’t stop and think.  When I stop and think my anxiety is out of control.  I have a daughter that is starting to drive and plays volleyball, my other daughter plays lacrosse, my son plays rugby and I have my new baby.  The oldest three have all moved out.  Thats another blog post in itself.  Its so weird when your kids move out.  Suddenly you feel alone.  Like the schedules that you jam packed your daytime with are starting to open up.  They are grown.  Dating and paying their own rent.  Holding jobs and buying cars.  I guess I did somethings right.   I just make myself stay busy.  And if I make myself busy and the subject is always my kids then I am happy.  And when I am happy I’m less likely to throw coffee cups at vehicles.

Too tired to proof read this…..