The words came casually from HIS lips through the phone today. Small talk tone.
“We’ve been discussing leaving Colorado.”
I heard everything that followed but have no idea what it was. I’m broken.
I have no words at how I feel.
Laying here at 1:30 in the morning unable to sleep. I can’t seem to turn off my thoughts. I wonder if you’re sleeping or awake dealing with your own thoughts. These sleepless nights I have, always lead to thinking of you. I think back and think ahead. What it was like and how it could be. I wonder how life is so simple at times (sunshine and sweet tea) and so complicated at others (moving, pill addiction and affairs). Simple truths like loving someone so much; tangled and wrapped into complicated situations like (again), loving someone so much. Loving you (YAY) but loving you (OUCH). I get to talk TO you everyday (Yay) but I don’t get to talk WITH you (Ouch). I try really hard to always see a glass as half full and usually go above and beyond that in being thankful for having a glass at all, but it’s hard sometimes. I want to fill your glass. In person. I want to repair your empty. In person. You have been this giver/solver/fixer/repairer in your family forever. I have been this peace keeper in mine. I’ve been a silent wall builder. Building a wall to protect my emotions. My kids and your kids keep us going through the motions. Anyone will tell you not to stay married for kids. Wish it were that simple. You’re an excellent father. I admire you for your hard work. Your effort. Your unwillingness to quit. You inspire me to keep trying when I want to just drop and cry. I love that you share your needs, wants, desires and dreams with me. I love that I’m the one you trust with all that information. I love that you trust me with all that information. I’m so thankful that I get to be that person for you. I’m babbling. Tonight was a bad night. I had 60 pills. I had them in my purse for my migraine I had last week. I took four. Two Wednesday night and two Thursday. That leaves 57.
I now have five. He will never change. Ever.
Tonight I’m in the bathtub as I blog. Wacko I must be. But I do a lot of thinking in here. The kids are in bed. Dogs in their crates. Dishes are done. Laundry was folded. I tried to read my book, but can’t seem to take in what I read. My head isn’t in it. I ordered in Chinese. I twirled my noodles around on my plate with my chop sticks listening to my kids laugh. They’re my world. My poor 11 year old. She’s making my heart worry. Tween years are so hard. They’re not little like kids but they’re not big like teens. She’s so mature for her age. She’s a state lacrosse player. She’s really good. I’m not just saying that because I’m her mom. She has straight A’s in school. She’s a tomboy for sure and it’s making life hard for her right now. She doesn’t fit in with the girls because she’s not like them. But the boys want noting to do with a girl. She’s kind of by herself right now and it makes me really sad. The principal says the boys get upset in gym because she plays nearly all the sports better than they do. This was told to me when I went in to talk to him because the top boy athlete asked her why she’s so good at sports and asked her if she was a lesbian IN FRONT OF SOME OF THE BOYS!! Now, I have nothing against anyone who’s gay. Nothing. I support gay marriage completely. If you’re a male, in love with a male that’s great. If you’re a female and adore with all your heart your female partner awesome. You have my support. But to ask that question to a girl who struggles daily with who she is and how she should fit in is wrong at 11. To make matters more confusing my mother in law IS gay. So my daughter asked me after this incident if that was genetic. My poor daughter. Now. I work with kids everyday. I have all kinds of education on child development and kids in general. Was it bullying? Maybe a little but the principal says he watches my daughter get plays abs touch downs and baskets and home runs when they can’t. I realize that’s hard for a boy to constantly be outdone by a ‘girl’ but come on!!! My heart just hurts for her. We’ve talked a lot about great female athletes and female role models and how her sexuality is not something to decide now. Lacrosse starts back up in a month and I can’t wait. She’ll be around other girls her age that like sports and are as good and better than she is. Get her mind of the kids at school. Ugh. My husband has been in bed for hours. His galblader is bothering him. Or so he says. It’s always something.
My bath water is cold. More on this later.
Well hello blogging friends. I hope you all have been doing well. I have really missed a few of you… okay well most of you, but there were a few that really got me. Didn’t judge. You make some really great friends in some really random places.
I have been doing well. I’d like to say things were different in one way or another but they are not. The only thing that seems to have changed is my kids keep growing up quicker and quicker. I look at my situation and its all the same. My husband is still imperfect and human as we all are apparently. His weakness for pain pills is real. I’ve put him in rehab more times than one. It just sucks when you know he behind all that is a good guy and cares about his kids. I think being here and having kids is all that is keeping him going. That right there is my fear of ending it. If you knew staying with someone is what seriously keeps them alive do you stay? You probably find yourself in a situation fairly similar to mine. Going through all the motions, playing house and find an outlet for your needs to be met. Maybe those needs are only emotional. Maybe you take it a step further and make it physical too. Then that scary thing happens where we get feelings for this other person. That obnoxious L word shows its face. Learning to love someone that isn’t yours to do just that, love them. Thinking about them constantly. Wishing constantly you could turn back time and do things differently. Which made me think. Would you change the past to not meet this said person at all or would you change it so that you both never get ‘caught’? Such a hard choice. I couldn’t love HIM or miss HIM if I never had met him. It really goes to show you how big a heart can be. You have love for people and the available room in a heart never fills. You have room to love so many at so many different levels.
So this little thing happened which made me want to blog. It has never happened before. Its not something I have blogged about. EVER. Wow, pretty shocking right? I feel like if it has anything to do with a struggling marriage, an affair or pain pill addiction I have blogged it all but I haven’t. Crazy? YEAH I KNOW!
Well here it is.
I won’t post HIS personal story of what THEY (him and his wife) are going through but it is tough. It is requiring a big move and she of course blames him. I’m not being ugly here, I see (kinda) why she blames him for this happening but also see that she could have helped in avoiding it (in my opinion). Anyway to get to the subject of this post…. I asked him how she was doing. I seriously cared. I can’t imagine the weight on him and her disappointment on top of all of it. His reply, “She’s doing okay. I am trying to hold her together during all of this.”
Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen.
I understood his response.
I’m sure she is falling apart and freaking out and losing her shit constantly on the situation that is occurring. I just wish he would have said, “She’s okay, taking it as you would imagine she would.”
But no. He used the words, “I’m trying to HOLD HER together.” UGH.
The ugly green giant peeked around the corner. Fucking Jealousy.
I don’t want him holding her in anyway. Close, tight or together.
I am not a jealous person. I’m not. The statement in no way meant physically holding her but still the words stung.
I do the same thing right? I hold my husband together. I stay in this marriage to hold him together from losing it and overdosing right? Its no different.
HE made a comment to me that when I found out I was pregnant (with my daughter that was born in Nov. 2014) and told him that he felt jealous. I couldn’t imagine how I would feel if he said they were having a baby. So you see what I mean? Things that really aren’t intended to hurt do. Simply by wording or what you want to share with someone. I want to be the one he holds together. I am the one he’d love to be intimate with… maybe not have a baby… lol we are both too old to even think of that right now. But you get my idea. I don’t think being jealous ever came into play with us. So I talked to him about it. He said it comes into play all the time. He said he is jealous that my husband gets to come home to me every night. He’s jealous that he gets to lay next to me at night. He’s jealous that I get to talk to him in person at the end of each of my days. Its just not like that. Its so not the happy, normal marriage. It is having a room mate. You tell your room mate about your day. “It was okay, its fracking freezing in my office at work!” and then you walk to the couch and sit down and watch your show. We do the kids, homework, baths, etc, then he retires to bed to watch whatever it is he watches as I tidy up. I will usually have a glass of wine or sometimes tea and sit on the couch reading. I sit there soaking in the quietness thinking about what I’d be doing if I was with someone that adored me and wanted to spend that alone quiet time WITH me. That is when I miss HIM most.
So I guess the point of this post is to get off my chest that all couples are going to have ‘together moments’ even if they aren’t in a ‘together’ place. And that clearly things aren’t always as they appear.
HE laughed at my feelings saying, “I assure you we are no closer and couldn’t be further apart, I am sleeping on a couch downstairs and she has the bed in the room. I use the room to get dressed each day and that is it.”
I don’t understand how two people, well four technically if you count my husband and his wife, are okay living this way? It sounds so absurd. That we would all stay together for the sake of kids and our spouses from making poor life choices. Its crazy to me that you would put aside your own happiness for the happiness of others. I just do it because it seems so selfish not to. I don’t know. I don’t want my children to know their father died in a car on the side of the road from taking a handful of pills, (like he almost did a few years ago remember?) because I divorced him. I don’t want that. I want no part of that.
So I go on…