Regardless of their age, they are still children

rear view of a boy sitting on grassland

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

My poor child.  I’ve blogged about this before.  It’s always a subject on my heart.  I am a mother of seven.  A big blended family.  I had three children with my ex-husband, and three with my current husband, and my current husband had a daughter from his previous relationship.  My oldest and my youngest are 20 years apart.  Talk about a spread I know.  Well all my kids went through kid things. Sports, broken arms, dating, getting off of the pacifier, learning to share, their first fight at school, learning to drive, etc.  But my middle daughter has dealt with so much more.

Being a kid is not always easy but it shouldn’t be heartbreakingly hard.  From about the age of 3, she was very independent in her thoughts, opinions and behavior.  She wanted her hair short.  She refused to wear skirts or dresses, and didn’t want to play dolls, she wanted to climb trees and ride dirt bikes.   By five she was playing sports.  By 11 she was a MAJOR lacrosse player.  By 12 she was playing competitive softball, and was the team pitcher.  She isn’t petite, but isn’t overweight.  She has a healthy ‘athletic’ build.  I have blogged about the term tomboy and how it makes me crazy.  I don’t think gender should matter when it comes to hair, clothes, sports, music, extra curricular activities, or school. School has been a nightmare.  She is called lesbo, gay, gender confused, lost, penis lacker, penis wanter…… I could go on.   She brushes it off well and has the best attitude about it, but she is 13, I know it hurts her.   I know she thinks about it.  I have lost my shit on the school, and the parents of these kids more than once.  The last time threatening to file charges.  My daughter (thank God) has a really good friend, that like her wears her hair short, plays softball, (as a catcher no less) doesn’t ‘hang’ with girls but doesn’t hang with boys either.  I watch them hang out and laugh and pitch and catch to each other and wonder what they talk about with each other.   I’m so thankful for their friendship.  I have always since she was little showed her articles and pictures and told her stories about women snowboarders and women athletes, and amazing women who didn’t ‘fit in’ when they were younger.  I showed them where they are now.  That each day as she gets older will get easier.  It just breaks my heart for the childhood she SHOULD have been having all this time.  I had a parent that asked me when I asked her to talk to her son about the words he chooses to use when speaking to my daughter tell me, “that this wouldn’t be so hard on her and you if YOU (meaning me) hadn’t pushed her “in this direction”…..”   OMG I almost went to jail that day.  How the fuck do you push your child to do or be anything but their absolute best?  My response was, “Oh I am understanding now.  I see how your son knows to say such unkind and hateful abusive comments, he had you PUSH him to that!”  I walked away.  It took everything in me to just walk away.  I wanted to scream and jump on her and just let my rage of the last 8 years explode from my fist to her stuck up, yuppy ass, judging, pristine red lipstick mouth.

I took her after school that day out to eat, loving the time with her but fearing the conversation I knew we needed (yet-fucking-again), and the waitress walks up and asks if she can get me a drink, I reply I’ll have an ice tea.   My daughter is looking at the choices on the menu and this waitress says, “And for you little guy?”

OMG.

First of all she isn’t little she’s 11.

Second It wasn’t the day.

My daughter didn’t skip a beat, she just replied, “I would like a strawberry lemonade”.   The waitress walked away and I said, “I’ll be right back I need to use the restroom.

Around the corner I saw the waitress standing at the computer putting in our order and a waive over came me.   I was flooded with 8 years of emotion and the fucking mom at the school.

I walked up to her and said, “Can I ask you a favor?”

She replied, “Sure, what can I get or change for you?”

I just lost it.  I started crying.   Her manager walked up and I just said, “I need to ask you to just ask kids, children, adults whatever, what they would like to eat or drink….. I said you just asked my DAUGHTER what she wanted to drink and called her a little guy.  She is a girl, and we came her after a kid at her school called her a lesbo today.  I just want you to know as a heartbroken mom, that there are people like you that can innocently break a child.  Please don’t assume the gender of a child based on their hair length or if they are wearing a baseball cap.”   I dried my eyes and walked to the bathroom.  It was so hard to get my shit together so my daughter didn’t see me with tears.

The only saving grace lately is her softball team.  By 16, (she plays with older girls because she’s that good, she’s only 13) girls are serious about softball and most softball players (and kids by 16) are more into themselves or their sport and wanting to win that they don’t care about others hair or whatever….   She’s a great pitcher so her team loves her.  The girls are a great GROUP of friends.  And her best friend is on the team this year too, (the catcher I told you about).  I have prayed for 8 years for this. These relationships.

Well last night my daughters phone rings and its one of the girls on the team said her mom said this weekend her mom said she could have a ‘team sleepover’ and wanted to know if she would come.  She quickly said YES! My daughter then asked how many other girls are coming?  The girl replied I don’t know yet, because I asked you first, I want you to be there for sure.  You guys.  I saw it.  Maybe for  the first time since she was five, but I saw her when talking to another child, (well teen) smile.

 

 

 

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Had an email bright and early.

He was laid off.

Shit.

He’s probably so worried/stressed. He’s the only income. She doesn’t work even though all their kids are older and in school. It just puts so much weight on him. I know the weight of doing it alone so well. I’d be worried sick if I didn’t have an income in my situation. It was a quick email. I have a million questions but I’m sooooooooo relieved to hear from him. His daughter had an overnight event so he was able to email.

Thanks everyone for listening to my worry last night. Xo

Worried Sick

rear view of woman standing on beach

Photo by Donald Tong on Pexels.com

Worried.  Scared.  Sick.

We talk every single day.   Some days might be so crazy and busy and work and family just consume us both but we always say work and families first, but even on those days we say good morning or hello.   We were having a normal conversation last Tuesday and like any other day we have gaps between talking.  Those gaps are where our jobs pick up or life takes place.  Gaps of a couple hours or overnight.  But every single morning is hello and how are you, (at least).  Well Tuesday we had our normal conversation and then some.  Sent some pictures, one of my daughter starting preschool, one of his dog at the dog park…. and then our days picked up.  It dawned on me later that night (ugh) my day was so crazy I hadn’t even looked at my phone to say to him to have a good night or anything.  I was bummed but it was okay.  We both have crazy days sometimes and don’t always say goodnight or goodbye… we just kind of pick up the next day.  Well in looking at my phone I was slightly relieved he didn’t get a chance to say goodbye either… we both had a busy day apparently.  It’s just so laid back and easy going that we just know the other got busy and we will talk tomorrow.  Thats what I love…. no stress.  Just this great friendship.  No expectations.  No hurt feelings.  Just easy.  Well Tuesday morning I sent my normal good morning text, something in the lines of, “Good morning, sorry to have missed you last night.  You know I love telling you goodbye… it was just a crazy day, hope your night was good.”  Well by 10 am nothing.  No reply.  Nothing by noon.  Still wasn’t worried.  Work and families first we have always just understood.  Next day nothing.  Next day nothing.  A week later and NOTHING.  I am freaking out.   I have known this man since 2010 and he NEVER misses work.  He will go to work when he isn’t feeling well.  He is his families only income.  He just doesn’t miss work.  So mind starts driving me crazy…  Is he sick, (I MEAN SICK?),  Is his family okay? Did he get in a car accident?  Did he lose his job?  He can’t quite talk to me on ‘our’ cell phone if he is at home.  I’ve emailed him.  No reply.  I can’t think of what else to do.  Since 2010 we have talked constantly except when I started this blog when his wife found out about us.  We had that gap in time that we didn’t talk.  Since then when he contacted me again, we have talked every single day.   I thought if someone found and stole his (our) phone at his work, he would have emailed me.   I just can’t shake the feeling it has to be something VERY bad for him to have missed a week of work.  I have never known him to miss ANY work.  I feel so sick to my stomach.  I cry in the shower, and behind close doors.  We obviously aren’t friends on facebook, but when looking at his page nothing is posted.  It’s like he just vanished.   So I have a question for all of you who follow me.  What would you do?  I have the contact information for the company he works for…. I was debating calling and just asking for him?

I pray he didn’t lose his job.  He is his families only income.   To not hear from him in a week and three days, something major has had to have happened.

 

I didn’t proof read this and don’t know if I’m rambling.  I’m on cold medicine, and antibiotics and feel so lost right now.  Please God, just let him be okay.  I just think he’d find a way to message me or something.  Its like if someone you talked to everyday just was gone.  And when you are the other woman you can’t just start calling around and checking on him.  I love him.  If someone you loved was gone for 10 days you’d be calling the police, hospitals and making facebook posts and calling anyone you could think to call.  My heart aches and my stomach is in knots.

Life

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Life.

The cycle of repeating things.

Things we want to repeat, like time with the ones we love.

Things we pray not to have to repeat. Like loving someone through addiction.

Questioning the day you are going to have based on the mood someone else has when they wake up.

Questioning someone’s pain, if it’s real or if they want meds.

Not having sympathy when this said loved one is hurting because their so called pain has fucked you over so many times.

When they are doing good, they are doing so, so good. You smile again. You laugh again. You see who you married again.

When they fall, struggle and addiction wins, they are alone and you are angry.

You cry. You ignore. You lack sympathy. You master the silent treatment. And you suddenly are filled with thoughts of the other.

I become disappointed in myself. How can I jump to those thoughts of HIM so quickly?

The answer is simple. Because this is life. The cycle of repeating things.

Things we want to repeat……..

Omg I feel so bad…..

Someone commented on my blog post about pancakes. 😦 “He said I deserved someone to make me pancakes… so I avoid pancakes because they make me think of him.” I dropped my phone and accidentally deleted your comment. I’m sooooo sorry. I loved that comment. I so get it.

They’re all gone…

 

Unknown

So many of the blogs, (bloggers), I loved are gone.  At the peak of my story, when I blogged nearly daily, I had a group of bloggers that I really got to know in the ‘blogging world’.  We’d comment on each others posts, offer an ear or advice…  Really got to know each other.  I still have a couple of them… but when I click on some of their blogs now it just simply states that the site can’t be found and has been deleted.  Time moves on.  It’s kind of sad…. Like myself bloggers are real people.  I really loved their stories, their comments and their friendships.  It’s not always cyberspace… real people sit behind those keyboards.  Dang.  Missing them. Some of you are still here and for that I am completely thankful.

Always on my mind…

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Every time I’m mad at my husband I think of you.

Every time I see something amazing I want to see it with you.

Every time I want to try a new restaraunt, I want to go with you.

Every time I see a couple whispering and smiling at a little table, I think of you.

Every time I see an airplane I obviously, think of you.

Every time I see a limo, yeah well of course I think of you.

Every time I find an empty pill bottle that my husband has found, I think of you.

Every time I wake up, I think of you.

Every time I pour a glass of wine, I stare at the way it coats the glass and think of you.

Every time the snow falls, I think of you.

Every time I smell the perfume you loved, I think of you.

Every time I see the color red I think of you.

Every time I hear those songs, I think of you.

Every time I see a bed-side-table with a ring upon it, I think of you.

Every time I see a table in a cafe window with traffic outside buzzing by, I think of you.

Every time the moon shines brighter than normal, I think of you.

Every time fog forms on car windows, I think of you.

Every time I see a woman talking down to her partner, I think of you.

Every time I see someone working hard to provide for their family, I think of you.

Every time I see a couple holding hands, I think of you.

Every time I see a baseball game, I think of you.

Every time I see a plastic fork, I think of you.

Every time I see a old blue Chevy truck, I think of you.

Every time I see a pair of Ray Ban sun glasses, I think of you.

Every time.  All the time. Always.

 

 

 

*pic from google images

 

 

 

What brings it all back…

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Well lets be honest. It never left but some days are harder than others.

It’s always been amazing to me that the certain way things can happen, or the things that just randomly occur, or the way something smells can make a memory come back and just overtake you.  Often these memories make you remember your childhood or doing something in particular.  However sometimes, it brings the moments you had with someONE back to you.  Sometimes it brings a smile to your face.  Sometimes it reminds you of something you have to do or someone you need to call.  But then sometimes it can stop you, dead in your tracks.  It can steal your breath and make you feel as if in a split second, your heart has been ripped from your chest and pulled out of your body leaving you lifeless and broken.  God I miss HIM.  Yes I still talk to him, and I love that but him moving out of state was a huge game changer.   In no way did it change my feelings, or his, it just changed everything else. Everything.

Last week we had our first snow storm.  Yep, that is one of those “things” that can occur that shoves the fact that he is not here anymore square in my face.   The feeling you get when leaving a warm home and walking through a door into a snow storm and the cold air takes your breath away is the only way I can explain it.   I was standing at my kitchen sink holding my coffee cup watching the snowflakes fall to the frosted ground between my two pine trees.  The view caused a trance.  I was standing there feeling the heat transfer through the porcelain of my cup to my hands but feeling the chill from the window on my cheeks.  The same way I felt warm being with him but his finger tips on my sides were freezing from the snow we had just come in from.  Before I realized it, minutes had passed with me just staring out the window.  I don’t even know that I was breathing during that time.  Slowly reality comes back.  Sound comes back.  My kids.  The music playing.  The furnace snapping on.  The dishwasher going.  The dog slamming up on the door to be let back in.  Reality.  I blink. Focus. Take a drink of my coffee and realize its gone cold.

 

What takes you back?  What makes you think?  What makes time stand still if even for a moment or long enough to make your coffee go cold? Smells, songs, quotes, and weather are my main memory triggers.

 

 

 

Still here.

Nothing is new.  My life is still insanely busy.  I can barely keep up.  Being a mom to many and running your own business can be a lot.  So much has changed.  My three oldest kids are living on their own, two of which are married with babies!! :0)  Leaving my younger four still living at home.  Between work, life, and day to day to do list’s I attend their sports.  Volleyball.  Softball.  Rugby.  Tennis. Lacrosse.  I. AM. SO. TIRED.  And yes that baby of mine is now a week away from being two.  I don’t know if she is worse than all my others or if being 41 and having a two year old is what makes it harder.  All I know is she is everything I deserve when looking at the likeliness of Karma being a real thing.  Holy shit. Seriously.  I love her though.  From her toes to the tips of her curly wild hair.

I know I know… the above part isn’t what you are wanting to read. You want to know about HIM.  You guys are so faithful in your emails.  I try and reply I swear.  About your emails and my replies, I need to make a post on that!  Talk about some of your complex stories!  Wow!  You guys email me and I have to read your emails three and four times in complete disbelief and speechlessness when you ask me to reply with advice.  UMMMMM I don’t know what to do when your husband walks in on you showing your new bra to your boyfriend who happens to be his cousin and you all end up in jail, after which you end up having an affair with the District Attorney!  I’m just kidding-that isn’t really an email that I received, however they are some crazy situations!

Okay I’m rambling.  Maybe I’m trying to avoid crying.  Nothing is different.  I know that bores you and that isn’t what you want to read.

I think last I mentioned they were talking about moving out of state.  Well he found a job that really wants him.  His wife is on again and off again in wanting him to take it.  I totally get it and her feelings.  Everything she knows is here.  Their kids are all in school here with family here. It, (I imagine), is VERY hard to up and leave everything for a job that is in another state where you know nothing or anyone.  But the offer they gave him was amazing. The best job offer he has ever had.   Of course he says she is torn for different reasons, (which as a wife and mother I COMPLETELY get).  She is on the fence about moving her children.  Taking them out of their schools and that state that is the only  state they have known.  He said he’d go out first and find a place and get situated and let them finish school and move them out there in May.  One day she is for it, and the next she is against it.  And she swings.  Daily. He says he understands her basic feelings of hesitation.

The thing is I am super proud of him.  He always tries to better himself. Work hard at work and get things done.  Teach.  Take classes to better himself and when he feels stuck or like there is no movement at the job he is at he actively looks for new work and he has moved up in income and titles like you are supposed to strive to do.  I love that about him.  I fail to see that with my husband.  He would stay stagnant forever if he was comfortable.  That drives me crazy. Day to day. Easy come easy go.  Well that works for Jimmy Buffet but for the rest of us…..   it gets flipping old.

As you can imagine this has caused a storm of emotions in me.   Excited for him.  Proud of him. Happy for him. He deserves this.  He really, really does.  Regardless of his actions with me, he has worked very hard in life and truly deserves this job.  HOWEVER.  In telling him how very proud of him I am and how excited I am for him, my heart seriously feels like it is being ripped out of my body.  Now some of you get it. You’ve been here and walked in these shoes and have had to say goodbye or walk away.  Then,  some of you are laughing and telling your computer screens, “serves you right you stupid B….” we’ve been through this before.  I was the woman that judged others.  Pointed my fingers and said, “OH I WOULD NEVER EVER HAVE AN AFFAIR”…. until you do.  So simmer down finger pointer. The comments don’t affect me anymore.  Because I was that commenter.

 

Yes, I’m sad.  Yes, I’m jealous. Yes, I keep crying. Thing is nothing really will change.  We rarely see each other now, yet we talk every single day. Talking to him every single day isn’t going to change.  That will continue.  But knowing he isn’t 15 minutes away and that he is several states away is sad.  However lets be honest, I won’t dread running into them at a sporting event or restaurant anymore! :0)  However, I won’t be running into just him in some beautiful hotel room on the 9th floor overlooking the snow capped mountains either.  Of course this is just the icing on the emotional cake.  There have been a ton of conversations, and a ton of tears and evil hateful jealousy that wishes she’d tell him to go and to take his kids with him because she still wants a divorce approximately every eight weeks. But then that is that green in me.  At the end of the day he isn’t mine.

Oh and my husband…. same shit, different day.

Love to you all.  Thank you all for still being here.

-her