I know what my problem is!

I am a control freak, and I have absolutely NO control over this situation.  I have no control over him emailing me.  Calling me.  Texting me.  If there was will there would be a way right? Pay phone? A simple hi.  Something?  I have heard nothing.  I wish I could just hear him say either I miss you or please just walk away.  Its the not knowing.  Its the fear of never finding or feeling love like I felt with him.  I feel like I lost my best friend.  And the hardest part?  Is walking around acting like nothing is wrong because no one knows.   Feeling him in every song.  Seeing him as a character in every movie…  he becomes characters in the books I read.  The last person I think of at night and the first person I wake up thinking of.  I get this urge to shut down my blog and make myself forget…  if that is even possible… just stop talking about it all together but I can’t.   I have been looking for a therapist to talk to.  So many areas of my life are insane right now.  Its probably Karma lol but seriously it is hitting me from every direction.  My husband and his life that he hasn’t included me in for about three years.  My teenage daughter is struggling.  My grandmother and aunt just passed away.  My ex husband is an asshole.  I am on three boards at my kids’ school and there are issues in all of them.  And then there is this man that loved me.  We had this amazing thing.  And he can’t/won’t just pick up a phone and say I haven’t forgotten you, life is just incredibly stupid and hard right now without me working.   I miss him…  I miss him so much that it physically hurts.   I have lost desire to do anything other than be a mom and clean.  I don’t want to go shopping.  I don’t want to read.  I don’t want to scrapbook.  I don’t want to fix things with my husband.  I don’t want to fight with my ex husband.  I don’t want to go to the gym, (although it is right by his house), I don’t want to hang out with my friends because they know me too well and will see right through my sadness and I am afraid at this point I would share all.


4 thoughts on “I know what my problem is!

  1. I assure you, it’s no easy on any side. I would love to be able to pickup the phone and call the OW, and tell her what I’m feeling and how I’m doing, and find out what she’s feeling…and to say I’m sorry for how it all went, but I did what I had to do for my family. I’m sorry.

    but I can’t….

    just because you don’t hear from him doesn’t mean he’s not thinking of you. I think about her a lot. I don’t want to be back with her, but I still think about her. Love, even if it’s wrong, doesn’t just disappear.

    good luck.

      • I deleted it because I realized how easily it was being picked up by search engines, and I worried that my wife, my ex-OW, or others that know me might pick up on this blog and then start picking it apart. I was stunned when I merely did a google search on my name and how much stuff it was pointing to, including people talking about MY blog in other blogs…and often, not very nicely.

        Plus, there were a couple of people here that were extremely unkind and semi-threatening to me — merely because I point out some uncomfortable truths about affairs that reflect back on them. one nitwit in particular was being very nasty — but some betrayed spouses are like that. People like her will end up losing their marriages anyway because their hearts are filled not with forgiveness and accepting part of the responsibility, but instead proving that they are right and carrying their victim status like a cross.

        The risks the blog was carrying didn’t seem worth it. I said what I had to say. I got it out — and helped a few people along the way — which was my goal. My goal was reached. Continuing it seemed to have no point. So I deleted it.

        I may resurrect it at some point under another name and another purpose, but for now, I’m focusing on my wife and family

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