I emailed him today. Not sure if thats good or bad.

Hey you.

Its been awhile.   I think of you everyday still.   I have emotions all across the board.  I want so badly what I can’t have.
I just don’t know what to think.    Are you not working?  Thus its impossible to contact me?  Are you working but not at a job that you can contact me?  Are you working at a new job but trying to give your all to your marriage?   I am okay with all of the above but the not knowing is tough.   You not mailing the phone back leaves questions too.  Maybe he hasn’t had a moment away from her to be able to mail it back.  Maybe he is hanging on to it because it is a link to me.   Maybe she found it and smashed it.  Maybe he did mail it and it got lost in the mail.  I’m terrified to get it.
I think about you every single day.   I pray (everyday) that you found work and if you haven’t that you quickly will.   I put on my big girl face and tell myself it was a year and a half of amazing and that I need to show some respect and walk away from wonderful.  Just typing that hurts. Then I get these feelings of fuck all of this I want him and I love him. I want him regardless of who gets hurt.  Those feelings get pushed down quickly because I am not a irrational person.
I miss your laugh.
I miss your smile.
I miss your telling me good morning.
I miss your emails.
I miss your hands.
I miss talking about nothing.
I miss talking about everything.
I miss hearing you are not happy in your marriage. (selfishly).
I miss seeing you.
I miss your kids.
I miss your charm.
I miss your encouragement.
I miss your understanding.
I miss blogging happily.
I miss feeling so small in your tall embrace.
I had a moment.   A moment at school at a board meeting.  Brian (one of the past board members) over heard me telling another mom a joke, and at the punch line he rubbed my hair making it a mess as he said, “you’re killing me smalls”  I laughed it off and walked to the bathroom and started crying.   I miss you.  I can’t figure out how I am supposed to just forget that.   I see you, hear you, feel you in everything!
I hope you are doing well.  I hope you think of me often.  And I hope I see an email one day just saying hi.  Actually I’d love to just see an email or text saying you are working.  I am so worried about that.  I want more than anything you to be able to provide for your family.  I fell in love with your children and worry that you possibly may still be looking for work.
Love you,  (always)
C
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17 thoughts on “I emailed him today. Not sure if thats good or bad.

  1. I think it was a bad idea. You are setting yourself up for more disappointment and pain because he probably won’t respond. And if he does, what then? You’re only keeping hope alive inside you unnecessarily. Aren’t you married? with kids? aren’t you trying to fix your marriage and recover? (I don’t recall whether your husband knows or not). That’s where you need to put your energy.

    I totally understand your motivation to do this. I have the same inclination. I hear my ex-OW’s voice in your words. I hear mine too. It’s heartbreaking. I wish I could help you.

    but honestly. Write me. Blog it. But don’t try and contact him. He knows where you are and he could easily contact you. He has chose not to. You need to respect it. And yourself.

    be strong. the storm will pass.

    • I don’t understand why it is so hard. I don’t understand where these feeling are supposed to go? I can’t just make them go away. Its been three months since we’ve talked and five months since I’ve seen him. I think its safe to say its over. I just needed to send one and see that it isn’t going to be answered. What a looser. Who can’t take being ignored as an answer?

      • you are not a loser. cut that out!
        you’re human….you fell in love with someone else–IT HAPPENS. but like with alot of loves, they don’t always work out. the trick is picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and starting all over again AND learning.
        the sad thing is, you probably will hear from him again when you least expect it. Then the challenge will be how do you react?

      • funny you should ask that. I just recently ran into him and his family at dinner and I lost it. Froze, crying. AND just today I posted what I THINK I’d do if he came to my door to ‘talk’.

      • I can only imagine what you’re going through. I can’t imagine having kids and going through this. i guess that’s the one good thing i’ve got going for my situation.

  2. The only way to get over someone is to go radical “no contact’. You need to get over him. He’s already implementing NC with you. Not because he doesn’t think about you. not because he doesn’t care. But because he NEEDS to in order to over you and recover his marriage.

    It’s painful as hell, but it has to be done. believe me, I wish I could pick up the phone and talk to her…often…but I can’t. It would be wrong. For both of us. It’s an inclination I fight constantly. I still care about her. but i care more about my wife and my kids. I didn’t want to have to make a choice, but I was forced to. I did the right thing. I am moving on, even if I will never forget her.

    I believe he probably thinks the same as me.

    Stay strong…stay strong…stay strong…

  3. He’s doing what he needs to do to get over you. And he’s doing you a favor. It doesn’t make him a loser.

    I don’t know what to tell you to do with the pain. Other than to look forward, and not backwards. To recognize that on some level, you will always care about him, but recognize that when it’s over, it’s over. And that’s that.

    I have pain, even though I was the one that terminated it. I’m sure he does too. But he had to make a choice, and he made it. And contacting you will keep him from recovering his marriage, and keep you from moving on too. He knows that. YOU know that. He’s giving you a gift in a way. Painful as it is.

    You don’t have to hate him to move on. Just understand him. He made a choice. If you love him, you will respect it. If you love him, you will understand that he is going through a myriad of emotions too — panic, shame, guilt, missing you, confusion, ups and downs…all of it. But he made a choice! He can’t live in between two worlds any longer. He’s doing what he needs to do.

    But he will always care about you. miss you too. …just know that…if he calls you now, what then? For him? For you? Reignite the whole thing? Don’t you want something more in life than to be a mistress? are you prepared to leave your husband for him? You see, contact is a trap.

    Just write about it here. You’ll feel better. I felt better when I did, although I had to delete my blog as it was causing me to feel danger.

    sorry for going on so long. Write me if you need me. Peace.

    • I am so gld i came to this page, the things you are telling her hit home, im going through a similar case, my affari was ended by him because he felt guilt, we had an emotional affari that last 4 years but as soon as it got physical 8 months ago and we met in a hotel room 3 times the guilt aet at him and he ended it, this was just 2 weeks ago, needless to say im hurt and feel rejected because in our last encounter he refused to go all the way and take my virginity as part of his moral and guilt. Reading that you say you too find it hard to not call her makes me feel that he probably is going through it as well, it has been hard for me to understand how he could stay away after susch a long affar, almost five years but now i thnk i get it. It doenst calm my pain but at least i dont feel that he has tossed me and forgotten me, If you can please read my blogs and as you do for this blogger help me thorugh this, i need it i really do. I need to see this through his eyes as well.

  4. Oh yes, I did misread your blog.

    and no, you are NOT a loser Stop using words like that about yourself! Yes, you got involved in something you should not have. You loved when you should not have. But it WAS love, no matter how wrong, dangerous, immoral, and ultimately futile. Love is love.

    You’re not a loser. you’re in pain. It’s completely understandable. I will write you in email about your other question.

  5. The talking about everything and nothing has really hit me – that is EXACTLY what James and I were like. He could make a conversation about a packet of biscuits interesting.

    There was something in a previous post about you not knowing that the last time you kissed him was going to be the last kiss – I have written the same pain in one of my blogs (December). I did get to have a final night with him and I just made sure I savoured every moment of it.

    The awful thing is, our affair was over when his wife found out. We’d agreed it had to stop – there was no future – but we maintained a friendship but she discovered that and he admitted everything.

    I last spoke to him the day after D Day – both on the phone and on Facebook – but since then, nothing. But I understand. He had to do what he had to do to save his marriage.

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