My Weekend!

So I went up in the mountains for a ‘girls weekend’ with a few of my friends.   I laid in that hotel bed at two in the morning crying.  How stupid, that instead of sleeping I am silently crying thinking the last hotel room I was in was with him.  AND on our way up there I passed TWO of the places that him and I had some amazing nights at in the Limo.  What are the chances.   It was so relaxing to drive through the mountains and just think.  He filled my mind.  It scared me  a little bit to realize I had drove for like 30 minutes thinking of him and can’t remember driving… that freaks me out a little bit.   My girlfriend says that has happened to her before.  Thank goodness it was all highway and through winding mountains and not in and out of traffic and stoplights.

Holding a hotel key to a room that had nothing to do with him was weird.  It made me think of all the times I had the key and it felt like it was the key to happiness.   The key of all secrets.  The key leading to the man I love.  The man who knew all of me, and loved all of me.  The key that lead to the BEST sex ever.   I kept our hotel key after our Valentines Day meeting.  I miss him and this weekend only proved that it is getting easier, but the pain is still there.

 

So I read a book this weekend that didn’t help in not thinking about him.  It is going to have to be its own post because it will be a long one.  It made so many feelings and emotions arise and it was like a knife reached out of the book and sliced open my heart again.  It was the book Once Upon a Secret.  http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2012/mar/9/book-review-once-upon-a-secret/  It was about the 19 year old intern (at the White House) that had an affair with President Kennedy.  OMG!  If you are ‘the other woman’ or if you aren’t, (you might understand our place more and see that we/I are/am not low life scum and just a normal person who happened to fall in love with a married man.

I will post on it later because it brought up so many feelings AS I am on vacation in a hotel room missing him.  The hardest part to read was when she realized she was getting married, and cared very much about JFK, and found out he had been shot and died.   She felt like she couldn’t cry or mourn, because her soon to be husband would see through her!  JUST LIKE I FEEL, you can’t miss or have a broken heart over someone you aren’t supposed to be in love with….. GREAT BOOK… my kids just got home I’ll write more later!

Me either.

Never thought you’d step out of your marriage?  Me either.

Never thought your spouse would stop loving you first?  Me either.

Never thought you’d sleep alone for many nights after the I do?  Me either.

Never thought you’d cry yourself to sleep night after night wanting your spouse to wake up?  Me either.

Never thought you’d debate a craigslist add to ‘just talk’ to someone in the same boat?  Me either.

Never thought you’d look forward to the work week to get to talk to this same boat person?  Me either.

Never thought you’d start forgetting how badly your spouse has been treating you?  Me either.

Never thought after six months of talking you’d agree to meet this same boat person?  Me either.

Never though that you would start to have feelings for a married person?  Me either.

Never thought that you’d feel like a teenager in love again?  Me either.

Never thought that you would know someone better than your own spouse?  Me either.

Never thought that someone could care for you more than your own spouse? Me either.

Never thought that the “L word” would come out with this person because you were both married? Me either.

Never thought that this person would fill ALL your thoughts All day long? Me either.

Never thought that becoming friends with his family was a bad idea to be able to see him more?  Me either.

Never thought that being friends with his spouse would get complicated? Friendship VS Love?  Me either.

Never thought that your best sexual experience EVER would be with a person who wasn’t really available to ‘be yours’?  Me either.

Never thought that you would fall in love head over heals for a person that was married?  Me either.

Never thought that you would have a nearly two year affair? Me either.

Never thought you’d get ‘caught’ in your affair? YEAH!!! ME EITHER!

Never thought that your heart would break when your affair came to an end? Me either.

Never thought you’d cry yourself to sleep over another person OTHER than your spouse?  Me either.

Never thought that your emotions would change day by day on how you are feeling about letting them go?  Me either.

Never thought that you would have feelings that they will just pick up the phone and call regardless of the situation now?  Me either.

Never thought that you would blog about your heartbreak? Me either.

Never thought you would heal….  I’m not sure I will.  I will love him always.  I can’t regret something that made me the happiest I have ever been.  I can’t just get over someone who loved me more than I have ever been loved.  Who cared for me more than anyone has ever cared for me.  I loved that we took every step so slow.  Nothing was rushed, especially the ‘bedroom stuff’  we just talked for MONTHS.  He gained so much of my respect because of that.  I love him.  I always will.  Some days are harder than others.

Never thought that you would see this person in anything and everything you see and do?  Me either.   But I love it.  It is such an awesome reminder of such an amazing time.

Another Monday…

I feel so sick today.  I think it is food poisoning from Chipotle.  Which is a bummer because Chipotle is my favorite.   It will however after this be awhile before I can do that again.   So I thought about him a lot this weekend.   Surprisingly this is getting a little bit easier.  Its like I just have to accept that it was amazing while it was amazing and it was short lived.  Who knows what the future holds…

A blogger that I have been following is having a hard time.  I feel like she is following my footsteps almost perfectly and she is what seems about three months behind me.  That phase where you are sorting out crazy things in your head.  Things you are going to do.  Things you want to go tell YOUR MM regardless if his wife is there.  Wanting to just go ‘watch’ him like some crazy stalker.  Its so hard.  You have to bring yourself back to reality.  Its so incredibly hard to do.

I will never forget something a man said to me once who was a MM in an affair.

He said,  “when the woman goes crazy demanding my time it pushes me away.  I am finding that when she was understanding and obviously hurting and loving me that I longed to call her and be with her.  She never left my thoughts.  When she was acting obsessive and crazy and possessive it was a side of her I learned I didn’t like.”

I think about that a lot.  The man I had an affair with praised me for always being loving and level headed in my actions.  I truly feel with my heart he wasn’t saying that to protect his family.  He truly meant it.  I would hate if things with his wife ended up not working out and I had stained the memories of my level headedness in his eyes that he has of me.  Stain the attraction in my character he found.  Does that make sense?  I only want to be perfect for him and in his eyes.   I want him to think back to me whether it is in a week or six months and think how ‘well I behaved’ even when it was said and done.  How mature we both acted.

I love him, I do.

I miss him, terribly, I do.

That pain throbs like a split thumb.  It doesn’t go away it just doesn’t throb as bad some days.

Some where the sad missing stopped and the smiling for the ‘opportunity’ started occurring.

I won’t lie I think of him often, see him in everything, long to feel him touch me again, wonder if we ever will, but I think I’m done crying.  I have no tears left.  It truly  is a healing process.

The other thing that has helped is reading the blogs of the wives or husbands who have been cheated on.  My heart breaks for them.  I didn’t really have a husband that I was hurting.  He had moved on prior to me needing to feel wanted, needed, desired, loved, adored….. but I think about his wife…  I have massively mixed feelings about her.  She is horrible to him, (I saw with my own eyes, it wasn’t just what he said), however she was a good friend to me.  I feel worse about the kind of friend I was to her VS what I did with her husband.   I wonder what that says about my character.  I miss her to.  HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?

The only thing I can say is nothing will make me forget him but time is making the hurting fade.  Thank God.  That was the worst pain ever.

I wanna go back and do it all over…

My girlfriend said maybe you should put another add on Craigslist. Divorce your husband and find Mr. Wonderful all over again. But Mr. Wonderful has already been found. He’s married. He’s 6ft tall. He makes me laugh and smile. He is amazing. I don’t want any Mr. Wonderful. I want the one I had. I want to go back to mid summer 2011 and just freeze time. Why is this so hard and tricky and complicated and impossible and hurtful and unfair and patchy and unpredictable?!?! The sun feels amazing. I was so happy about this time last year. I was on cloud 9.

F’ed over again.

I got a horrible migraine today. My mom came to take the kids and when they left I went to take my Percoset and it’s gone.

Livid.
Hurt.
Pissed.
Sad.
I want a man who loves me and will go out of his way to help me when I’m hurting, as I would him. Instead I have the opposite. What the fuck do I do?
This is when I really miss HIM. He got me through this every time my husband stole from me.

Reblogged from my old blog. Perfectly Perfect Once.

I was perfectly perfect once. I had a perfectly perfect marriage once. I had a perfectly perfect life. I was perfectly perfect with my what I had. Until everything suddenly wasn’t perfectly perfect. My husband forgot what was important to him. Drugs pulled him under. Friends were more important. To him that was his perfectly perfect. His band was perfectly perfect. His company he owned and ran coming to a halt was perfectly perfect to him. I wouldn’t call the struggles that started perfect by any means. I counted my blessings. Often. I thought horrid things like how fucking perfectly perfect it is that I who has done everything right has to pick up this mess while he gets to run around acting like a child. This lasted for months….

then my pills went missing. The first time when the bottle was half empty I thought I was going crazy. I have a teenager struggling in life at this point and that was my worst fear. So I started counting pills and keeping an eye on her for ‘drug like behavior’. The pills were prescribed for my migraines. Pretty major. It was perfectly perfect that I worked from home and was able to keep an eye on my child because I was freaked out that I knew where the pills had gone. I watched closely and was confused. She acted fine. A couple weeks went by and I refilled the medication. Not even three days later they were gone. But not lost like I had lost them, the bottle had been emptied. I freaked out. Cried to my husband. He suggested maybe it was my oldest and commented “you know she is having a hard time right now”.

As hard as it was I confronted my teen. Said I was concerned. Said I was worried for her and for my severe headaches that I would be unable to ask the doctor for more medication for. She looked shocked. I hurt her feelings for even asking her or assuming it was her. She said MOM I SWEAR I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO YOU… LEAVE YOU WITH NOTHING WITH THAT KIND OF PAIN. My last migraine put me in the hospital unable to talk or move my left side. At first doctors thought I had a stroke. Needless to say there are bad. Needless to say I know my daughter. I know when she is lying and she wasn’t lying. I look across the room and catch a “OH SHIT” look on my husbands face. He walks past me to the bedroom I follow him. He is crying. He starts sobbing that he is so sorry for suggesting it was her, that he thought I would just hide them better and assume she or her friends had taken them, that I wouldn’t actually confront her. He said that he felt like a piece of shit in which my response was good. Thing is I felt bad for him. I had never seen my husband cry. I felt so many emotions at that moment. I felt like I had to be the responsible one. The one who thought straight. The one who was the problem solver. So many feelings and emotions rushed through me. I was pissed. I was hurt. I was sad. I was lied to, stolen from, embarrassed for blaming my CHILD. Ashamed for letting her current behavior, and the way she dressed and the types of friends she had lead me to blaming her. The feelings of my first husband calling me a goodie two shoes for never doing or trying drugs (any even pot) filled me. Why do drugs prescribed or not always play a role in my relationships? Why do I not understand addiction. The way I handled it was I put both my hands on his chests and with tear filled eyes I pressed into him as I yelled, “YOU WILL APOLOGIZE TO MY CHILD, YOUR STEP DAUGHTER FOR SAYING WHAT YOU SAID, YOU WILL GET HELP, YOU WILL NOT STEAL FROM ME, YOU WILL NOT LIE TO ME, YOU WILL LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKE. YOU WILL NOT TOUCH ME, TALK TO ME, LOOK IN MY DIRECTION OR ASK ME FOR SHIT UNTIL I DECIDE I WANT TO FORGIVE YOU. ALSO IF YOU EVER DO THIS TO ME AGAIN I PROMISE YOU I WILL DO THREE THINGS. I WILL CALL YOUR MOTHER AND TELL HER WHAT IS GOING ON. I WILL CALL OUR DOCTOR AND TELL HIM WHAT IS GOING ON, AND I WILL MOVE ON IN LIFE AND IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. He cried the entire time holding me as I yelled. I was livid. The word livid now makes sense to me. I have never been livid. Blaming my child?!?!? That was huge. I told him I wish you would have just fucked someone because it would have only made you look bad. Instead by doing this you make me look like an idiot to my child, an addict to my doctor and leave me in pain, pain that resembles a stroke for me at least in an affair only you would look like an idiot.

For a long time I tried to help him. I felt like addiction was a sickness, and I had said in sickness and in health. I tried. It wouldn’t stop. It couldn’t stop.

In the next six months it occurred thee more times. I called his mom and my doctor. Just like I said. Come to find out our doctor, (yes we have the same one) had been prescribing him 60 percosets a MONTH for his shoulder for pain I didn’t even know he had. He told our doctor that he hurt his shoulder at work. His mom said her partner had been missing her pain pills too, (which later he admitted to taking also). I bought a safe for my medication. Do you know what it is like to lock your things away from the person you are married to?

My dad is a cop. We grew up with a k-9 dog. I didn’t even go to parties that there were drugs at because I thought the dog would eat me when I got home. So I never did drugs. Ever. To this day, (I am 36 years old) I have never even done Pot. Unless a medication is prescribed TO me I have never taken it. I won’t even do pot with a doctors permission due to the severity of my migraines because I have such an issue with it. I had no sympathy for him, none. So now we are at a year later and he still is with the band….still living it up like a rock star and I am still at home being a mom, alone, I had one weak day. One.

I put an add on craiglist, strictly friends, w4m, and started talking to HIM. Slowly over six months. We just hit it off. We both had shitty situations at home. It was nothing other than this… monday through friday. chatting online. Emailing. Texting. A couple phone calls. Then one day we decide to meet. We hit it off. The first (easily) four or five times we met we would talk for hours but never did anything. He had a job that these conversations for hours at night could occur. It was amazing. And stemming from six months of nothing but conversation, it was amazing. To get to know someone truly w/o sex was a entire new ball game. You get to a level I can’t explain.

I guess where I am going with this is, I am not saying my affair was justified. It wasn’t. We were wrong in what we did. I just felt like my marriage wasn’t a marriage when I made the choices I did.

Some of you asked why I am still married. I truly hope my husband magically wakes up. So it can be perfectly perfect again. I don’t know how that will happen but I have held out in hoping. I loved him. I loved what we had. I wanted to be married. I wanted to be loved and cherished like not other.

Fucking drugs.

So you get the idea. It holds true for all of us- LIFE WAS PERFECTLY PERFECT ONCE, UNTIL IT WASN’T. LOVE WAS PERFECTLY PERFECT ONCE, UNTIL IT WASN’T. THE PEOPLE WE FALL IN LOVE WITH ALONG THE WAY WERE PERFECTLY PERFECT ONCE UNTIL THEIR WIVES FIND OUT AND YOUR HEART IS RIPPED FROM YOUR CHEST AND YOUR LIFE WAS PERFECTLY PERFECT ONCE.

Re-blogged from my other blog

I feel horrible. These emotions are so hard to deal with. I don’t understand why I am all over the place in the way I feel. I miss being happy. I miss being excited. I am so lonely. My husband has been making this amazing effort. I looked at him playing with our kids the other night from across the room over my laptop and just started crying. I would have never had an affair had he been here. Had he loved me. I tried. I begged him to come home, to stay. I begged him to make me feel more important than his band.

I should have waited longer. I should have tried harder. I should have ignored my feelings of wanting to feel loved, adored, needed, appreciated, wanted, desired, enjoyed and pleased. I should have taken my vows more seriously. I said in sickness and in health and alcoholism and drug abuse is a sickness. Of course he’d rather do that then be home right? Thing is I tried all that. I did. We did counseling, he did drug treatment. He said he’d stop drinking a hundred times. He quit the band a few times…. it just always lead back to the same place. He said me dropping a bunch of weight (which I think was from being happy) and enrolling into school (which was to keep my mind off my insane drama) and getting a second job (to be able to afford being a single mom, made him realize that I was able to move on without him.

Do I believe him? Do I trust my head? My heart is gone. I can’t listen to it anymore.

I feel like this perfect man that loved me and picked me up when I was down (and he was down too) has died. He is just suddenly gone. I don’t know how to heal from that. I don’t know how I can try with my husband and forgive him for all the hurt if my heart isn’t in it. I don’t know right now how my heart can be in anything. I don’t feel like I even have a heart. I feel as though it has been ripped from me.

Do you think HE still thinks about me? We stopped all of this on good terms… I never became that crazy OW. The one that demands what we had to be occurring. One of the last things HE told me was that he admired what a good person I was. I never talked bad about his wife to him. I never asked for information on how they were. I respected his life with her as information was offered. He talked about big fights, or how she would bad mouth his actions to her friends out loud in front of him. I formed my own (mixed) feelings about her in my head. I thought she was an excellent mother but a hurtful horrible wife. But then you never know what happens behind closed doors right? I just never once saw him be rude or disrespectful to her. But maybe that was b/c it was in front of me. Who knows. He just didn’t seem to be the fighting type. He looked worn and broken down when I met him, and that is how he was in person around her. Just tired. She made a comment once in front of me with him there that he was just a man lacking heart going through the motions of life and would never amount to more because of it. My heart broke at that moment. My mind was pissed. She talked down to this perfect man in my eyes. The one man that I wanted. We, (him and I), respected each other and I couldn’t imagine begin talked to the way she talked to him. I didn’t understand. I don’t get along with my husband and he lies to and steals from me and rarely comes home and I don’t even talk to him that way. I miss him. I miss my marriage. I am so torn. If I had the perfect outcome it would be that HIS marriage was perfectly healed and they found the perfect way to love each other respectfully and my husband learned to love me the way HE did and that alcohol and drugs and this band would be gone from our lives. My kids are so beautiful smiling and laughing with him. Wishful thinking right?

Today was a hard day.

I had to get off the highway, well everyone did. There was an accident,  but the exit of choice to police officers was the exit HE lives on.  Can I have any more torture in getting over this?  My daughter loudly proclaims from the backseat of my car, “THIS is the road that goes to _________ and ________’s house!  Are we going there?!?!?!?!”

“No honey”  is all that could come out of my mouth before the tears started stinging as they filled and overflowed from my eyes. I quietly kept my tears to myself in the front seat.

The thought of the limo came to mind.   The dark black sleek vehicle, with its shinny handles and trim. He always had a suit on.  I miss playfully pulling HIS tie.

Damn I miss him.