I feel horrible. These emotions are so hard to deal with. I don’t understand why I am all over the place in the way I feel. I miss being happy. I miss being excited. I am so lonely. My husband has been making this amazing effort. I looked at him playing with our kids the other night from across the room over my laptop and just started crying. I would have never had an affair had he been here. Had he loved me. I tried. I begged him to come home, to stay. I begged him to make me feel more important than his band.
I should have waited longer. I should have tried harder. I should have ignored my feelings of wanting to feel loved, adored, needed, appreciated, wanted, desired, enjoyed and pleased. I should have taken my vows more seriously. I said in sickness and in health and alcoholism and drug abuse is a sickness. Of course he’d rather do that then be home right? Thing is I tried all that. I did. We did counseling, he did drug treatment. He said he’d stop drinking a hundred times. He quit the band a few times…. it just always lead back to the same place. He said me dropping a bunch of weight (which I think was from being happy) and enrolling into school (which was to keep my mind off my insane drama) and getting a second job (to be able to afford being a single mom, made him realize that I was able to move on without him.
Do I believe him? Do I trust my head? My heart is gone. I can’t listen to it anymore.
I feel like this perfect man that loved me and picked me up when I was down (and he was down too) has died. He is just suddenly gone. I don’t know how to heal from that. I don’t know how I can try with my husband and forgive him for all the hurt if my heart isn’t in it. I don’t know right now how my heart can be in anything. I don’t feel like I even have a heart. I feel as though it has been ripped from me.
Do you think HE still thinks about me? We stopped all of this on good terms… I never became that crazy OW. The one that demands what we had to be occurring. One of the last things HE told me was that he admired what a good person I was. I never talked bad about his wife to him. I never asked for information on how they were. I respected his life with her as information was offered. He talked about big fights, or how she would bad mouth his actions to her friends out loud in front of him. I formed my own (mixed) feelings about her in my head. I thought she was an excellent mother but a hurtful horrible wife. But then you never know what happens behind closed doors right? I just never once saw him be rude or disrespectful to her. But maybe that was b/c it was in front of me. Who knows. He just didn’t seem to be the fighting type. He looked worn and broken down when I met him, and that is how he was in person around her. Just tired. She made a comment once in front of me with him there that he was just a man lacking heart going through the motions of life and would never amount to more because of it. My heart broke at that moment. My mind was pissed. She talked down to this perfect man in my eyes. The one man that I wanted. We, (him and I), respected each other and I couldn’t imagine begin talked to the way she talked to him. I didn’t understand. I don’t get along with my husband and he lies to and steals from me and rarely comes home and I don’t even talk to him that way. I miss him. I miss my marriage. I am so torn. If I had the perfect outcome it would be that HIS marriage was perfectly healed and they found the perfect way to love each other respectfully and my husband learned to love me the way HE did and that alcohol and drugs and this band would be gone from our lives. My kids are so beautiful smiling and laughing with him. Wishful thinking right?