I feel so sick today. I think it is food poisoning from Chipotle. Which is a bummer because Chipotle is my favorite. It will however after this be awhile before I can do that again. So I thought about him a lot this weekend. Surprisingly this is getting a little bit easier. Its like I just have to accept that it was amazing while it was amazing and it was short lived. Who knows what the future holds…
A blogger that I have been following is having a hard time. I feel like she is following my footsteps almost perfectly and she is what seems about three months behind me. That phase where you are sorting out crazy things in your head. Things you are going to do. Things you want to go tell YOUR MM regardless if his wife is there. Wanting to just go ‘watch’ him like some crazy stalker. Its so hard. You have to bring yourself back to reality. Its so incredibly hard to do.
I will never forget something a man said to me once who was a MM in an affair.
He said, “when the woman goes crazy demanding my time it pushes me away. I am finding that when she was understanding and obviously hurting and loving me that I longed to call her and be with her. She never left my thoughts. When she was acting obsessive and crazy and possessive it was a side of her I learned I didn’t like.”
I think about that a lot. The man I had an affair with praised me for always being loving and level headed in my actions. I truly feel with my heart he wasn’t saying that to protect his family. He truly meant it. I would hate if things with his wife ended up not working out and I had stained the memories of my level headedness in his eyes that he has of me. Stain the attraction in my character he found. Does that make sense? I only want to be perfect for him and in his eyes. I want him to think back to me whether it is in a week or six months and think how ‘well I behaved’ even when it was said and done. How mature we both acted.
I love him, I do.
I miss him, terribly, I do.
That pain throbs like a split thumb. It doesn’t go away it just doesn’t throb as bad some days.
Some where the sad missing stopped and the smiling for the ‘opportunity’ started occurring.
I won’t lie I think of him often, see him in everything, long to feel him touch me again, wonder if we ever will, but I think I’m done crying. I have no tears left. It truly is a healing process.
The other thing that has helped is reading the blogs of the wives or husbands who have been cheated on. My heart breaks for them. I didn’t really have a husband that I was hurting. He had moved on prior to me needing to feel wanted, needed, desired, loved, adored….. but I think about his wife… I have massively mixed feelings about her. She is horrible to him, (I saw with my own eyes, it wasn’t just what he said), however she was a good friend to me. I feel worse about the kind of friend I was to her VS what I did with her husband. I wonder what that says about my character. I miss her to. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?
The only thing I can say is nothing will make me forget him but time is making the hurting fade. Thank God. That was the worst pain ever.