4pm Tuesday.

I have an appointment with my attorney.  My divorce attorney.  I can’t write anymore.   I am having second thoughts, third thoughts, and 23rd thoughts.  I can’t make him come home.   I couldn’t MAKE him come home the nearly two years PRIOR to my affair.   I will never find happy if I keep waiting for him to wake up and find his happy.

I have managed to lose two men that I loved more than anything in a three year period.  OH and lets not forget the first husband I divorced and the H.S. sweetheart that died while I held his hand.  I fucking rock with men.  I just want a man to love me the way ‘HE’ did.  I want a man to work for what he wants like my first husband always did, and I want the goal setting abilities that my current husband ‘had’ and I want a man to be all mine the way my high school love was before cancer took him.

Walking away, remembering all the good in all of them and not looking back.

Life is looking pretty lonely.  I need to focus on my kids.  And only my kids.

Goodbye letter. Therapist says to write but not send. So here it goes.

We said this would never,  could never happen.  I feel so many emotions I don’t know where to start.  I started to go to counseling. You’ve been one humdinger to get over.  I was given homework by my therapist.   I am supposed to write you a farewell letter.  She told me to not keep it brief.  To cover everything.  As if I only get once chance to say it all, somehow this is supposed to help so here it goes.

June 2010 until October 2011 was simply the best days of my life.  I laughed and smiled more than I ever remember doing so.  You taught me so much about myself.  You taught me so much about what I want and what I deserve when it comes to someone to love me and a relationship.  There are so many things I want to cover that I don’t know where to start.

At first I was so hurt that you decided to tell her everything.   I understood, I did, but it hurt so much.   As a couple months went by I understood.  Telling a wife all. Having that tell all relationship with someone.  THE someone you are married to… not a fill in. Not a fill in ‘me’.  I truly wish you both the best and I hope you can make your marriage work.  She deserves all of you if she is going to have any of you.

Seeing your family at dinner the other night instantly made me feel shameful. I wanted to be invisible.  I wanted to apologize to her in person. I wanted to run away.  I wanted to hug your kids, I wanted to tell my daughter what a horrible person I was.

But when it comes to you, it is so complicated.  I remember the smiling dancing you on Skype, when I couldn’t get my sound to work to hear the music you were dancing to.  I remember the dancing you at the baseball game.  I remember the tearful you when we talked about you growing up and your grandma.  I remember the moon every single time we were together.   I remember how attractive you always were dressed in your suit and tie. I remember blogging to you often.  I remember laughing so hard at different things.  I can’t see or think of anything we didn’t discuss.  From Ellen, to politics, to family, to my husbands issues to food, to cooking, to sports, to the snow and the seasons.  I don’t know why everything seemed so beautiful when I had you in my life.

I will forever see you in everything.  I will forever remember that year and a half.  I will never forget it.  But you showed me something.  You are human.  You with me made a mistake that I to made with you.  However I see that you are a good man, choosing your family, choosing what you should choose.  Deciding to do right and work on it 100%.

As far as your wife goes… this is where I struggle.

She was nothing but a perfect friend to me.  My reasons to be friends with her were selfish at first, (to be able to see you more) but she TRULY grew on me.  I realized when she was gone I missed her too.  I have never treated anyone, (EVER) the way I did her, and I will never again.  THAT is the part I regret.   That is the part I am most ashamed of.  I am so so so sorry I caused any stress (added stress) to your marriage.  That was NEVER my intentions.  I know I don’t need to explain anything to you, I know you know me.    I am walking away.  I am choosing as of today to make you a memory.  A wonderful, beautiful memory.  I hope at least you can respect the mature way I am walking away, because trust me what I desire to do, (my heart) is to bang on your door and demand that I love you.  You never made me feel like ‘the other woman’.  You made me feel so special and loved.  I will always adore you for that.

I wish for you two things.

1. your marriage to heal.

and 2. You to stand up to her ONLY in the area of your family.  That is the only thing that truly broke my heart the entire time.  You should be able to have and deserve to have a relationship with your family.   Things are said, hurtful things, like the words that were exchanged on your wedding day between your wife and family, and I fully understand her hurt.  I do.  However people (just like we did) make mistakes.  They (your family) probably REALLY regret the words that day.  Life is too short.  To short to never speak again.  Even though I respect you standing up for your wife, I get it, I get the entire story.  However YEARS later, you deserve a family and people outside of your marriage, to go to when you are hurting and needing family where you weren’t in a position to find me.  Don’t misunderstand I am glad you did, but had you had them all of this may have never happened.   I’ll get off my soap box now, just remember I saw your tears.  I felt your hurt over the subject.  Its an area that you are hurting.  Which is an area your WIFE should care about.

I wish you the best.  Truly.   I love you, I meant those words the day we said them.

Good luck, and only the very best to you and your family.

-Smalls.

Here one minute and gone the next..

My Aunt died today.  Lighting a candle in her honor.  I’m sad, I am so sad for my Uncle and my cousins.  The hurt I feel is so similar to what I felt when the MM I was seeing was suddenly gone. He was there loving me and then he wasn’t.  I never really thought of it like a death, but fully there, to fully gone is kinda like dying.  Its a grieving process I guess.   I’ve thought a lot this weekend.  About what it is that I miss.   Its not the intimate cuddling or all of the romantic stuff he did to me and for me… its just the conversation and connection.  The friendship.  Felling like someone truly cared about me.  Truly listened to me in a way that my husband didn’t.  Someone who’s eyes filled with tears when I was hurting.   Someone who genuinely was concerned when I was aching when my grandma died. Someone who made me smile on my lowest of low days.  I realize today with my Aunt dying, how much better he made the situation when my grandma died.  And it wasn’t by having sex with me.  I feel like people judge other women thinking its all sex.   That we are just whores and sluts.  Ladies of men who cheat, its NOT always like that.   Most men, (believe it or not from what I read and have learned), cheat for emotional needs not being met before sexual needs not being met.  I mean men think about sex all the time, that is a proven fact, but I don’t think the MM I speak of was like, “I want a piece of ass, I think I’ll get on Craigslist and start talking to someone to get it.  I’ll take six to eight months to talk to her, and then another few months to get to know her in person, and give her that first kiss,”…. I just think my situation was different.  Sex I’m sure is a LOT of it for most affairs, but I don’t think the first step of men is to get a piece of ass… yeah maybe sometimes.   I think that is part of it… I think sex is an issue in most cheating spouses marriages, but I am willing to put money down that there is something bigger there 99 percent of the time.

Words that made me think. What changes, really? Is it just routine and forgetting to love and respect your partner every single day?

 

When he tells you hi,

He tells me hello.

When he tells you I’m leaving,

He tells me I’m on my way.

When he leaves you he’s relieved,

When he leaves me he’s sad.

When he touches you its to keep you happy.

When he touches me its to make me happy.

When he talks to you he feels ignored,

When he talks to me he feels needed and appreciated,

When he kisses you its to leave,

When he kisses me it brings him back again.

So I have decided… TWO things.

This is my plan.  This is what I am going to respond at NOON, because I don’t want to appear to be in a hurry.  I am going to respond, 

“Hello!  I’m sorry I didn’t respond until now, and it is because I have been thinking of the exact thing I want to say to you.  I’m not going to lie to you and tell you the last seven months have been easy.  They have not been, but I have come a very long way in trying to get over you.  In June  of 2010 I made two mistakes.  One to talk to a married man and second, to fall in love with him.  You were amazing.  You have a good heart, you are a good man who I know has good intentions.  I don’t regret what we did, I do however regret what I did, what WE did to your wife.  Granted I was married to and I don’t want to say he doesn’t count but we were separated basically for nearly a year, and now almost three.  I don’t know why you contacted me and frankly please don’t answer because I don’t want to know.  I don’t want to hear that you miss me and have been thinking of me because it will hurt to much.  And I don’t want to hear that you two are doing really well and you are happier than you ever have been and decided to fix things and you wanted to tell me thank you for being wonderful for the two years you were so lost and alone because that too will hurt. Being that you called me honey I’m thinking it might be the first.    I respected your decision when in a fight with her to tell her all and I have respectfully walked away, in return please respect that I am trying to heal from the best and worst thing I have ever done, and respectfully walk away.  I will always have a place for you in my heart. This went further than I ever imagined.  I will never, ever forget you.  Right or wrong, thank you for teaching me so much about myself.”

SECOND I have FULL intentions to reply to Ariella.  How dare you judge me.

Ariella (at http://iminlovewithaserialcheater.com/)  commented on your post, “CANT EVEN THINK OF A TITLE:   “Just curious and this is only my opinion. What did you think was going to happend when you started dating a MM? I am so floored by all of you women who are sitting home crying over someone elses husband!!! It truly does sicken me! Im sorry, I do not know you, but why would you ever involve yourself with someone who was already involved? What kind of woman does that? Seriously! Sorry, but I don’t feel sorry for you, you brought this on yourself!!! Any woman that would stoop as low as to dating, im sorry, fucking another womans husband deserves whatever she gets. Just my opinion.”

 I love how you tried to be all polite about it too.  We are all human.  We all make mistakes.  Until you know my entire story, and my entire situation DO NOT JUDGE ME.   I understand your point but I don’t think you know me or my story or my situation.  I don’t think its right to sleep with another woman’s husband that isn’t quite how my story went.  However since you think you know so much about me go ahead and judge I don’t care.   But know full on that it is wives like you that get cheated on because just like you are judging me, you probably judge your husband in everything he does to the point that he needs to step out and feel like he is doing SOMETHING right in SOMEONES EYES. Oh wait!  Thats right! Your husband HAS cheated on you, and more than once.  Hmmmmm wonder why?!?!

 Also to the blogger who told me what Recovering Wayward would say, I know that is exactly what he would say, I just needed to hear it.  Thank you for your kind words.

Can’t even think of a title.

And just like that my heart has been crushed and thrown back to the way I felt in October.  There was a little red circle next to google chat.  I clicked on it and it was his name.  I instantly felt dizzy.  The words “ARE YOU THERE HONEY?” laid in his conversation bubble on his side of the screen.   It was time stamped today but an hour earlier.  He was no longer there.  The tears started at that moment and haven’t stopped since.  What am I going to do.  I can’t do this, but I want this.  I shouldn’t do this but I need this.  I can’t hurt anyone but I am hurting myself.   What do I do.  I only want to talk to Recovering Wayward.  Talk me out of this.  Help me with this.   What would you do?

I’m at work, so this will be quick…

I’m having a SHIT day.  I dreamt of him.  I never dream.

In my dream:

He had come to my door, (my post about yesterday probably made me dream this) I started to say what I typed yesterday here on my blog, and he threw his mouth on mine my and my words stopped, I fully kissed him back, my knees buckling. He let go, I fell to the floor.  He walked back out my door down the path to the sidewalk, where his wife was waiting.  He put his arm through hers and walked down the street.  I then noticed I was sitting in a HUGE puddle of water, when I realized the ‘water’ was my tears.

How FUCKED up is that?  I woke up having a shit day and being heartbroken.  I want off this roller coaster.   He would never treat me like that.

damn.  I.  Miss. Him.

Okay, back to work.