I realized something this weekend. In nearly two years I never argued with him once. I can’t imagine going nearly two years with any man and not having an argument. There was just so much respect in our relationship that we respected each others opinions, and (GET THIS) listened to them. Its amazing how well a relationship can work when respect is there.
I can’t respect my husband. Well maybe I can but it is going to take a long time and a lot of work. I can’t respect someone who just up and left and would much rather be a rockstar than a family man. I can’t respect someone who took my pills and blamed my teenage daughter from my first marriage. I can’t respect someone who is on again, off again on trying to fix our marriage. I can’t respect someone who expects me to bend over for his dreams, (which I tried to support him in the beginning before it lead to drugs and alcohol), and can’t understand my desire and dream of wanting to become a pilot. He just says, “why would you waste your time, effort and family life for that?” I just enrolled in school regardless and hoped he’d get on board. It never happened. And thats okay I don’t need his blessings to follow any dream. It would have just been nice if our marriage had stayed on track. People need to be loved. I didn’t divorce him because I hoped he’d wake up. Get clean. Remember what I meant to him. But in my lowest of lows I decided to talk to someone. That talking lead to me loving someone more than I ever have. I had no idea I was playing with fire. And we all know the saying, “If you play with fire your going to get burned.” OH how that saying couldn’t be more true.
The weather is cloudy and cold and depressing today. You know that weather you want to cuddle with someone? That weather that I had two full season of with him. Thats the weather today… I can tell today is going to be tough and you might be hearing a lot from me. I miss him so much during times like this….