Read this question/answer on another blog and loved it. Thought I’d share.

 

QUESTION: “What gives you the right to mess with someone else’s man?”

ANSWER: “Nobody has to give me the right but HE created the opportunity!”

 

 

 

I am so tired of the ‘wives/judging people’ thinking I’m the bad guy.  Yes I was 50% of this.  I was.  I would never put ALL the blame on him.  However your husband played a role.  And I’m thinking if he was totally satisfied in YOUR marriage he wouldn’t have found anyone, including me.

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17 thoughts on “Read this question/answer on another blog and loved it. Thought I’d share.

  1. You’re 100% correct. Unless you held a gun to the other person’s head, it takes two to tango.

    Ignore the comments from the members of the “Shitty Spouse” club — they lash out at anyone they can — their wayward spouse, the OW/OM, people on blogs who dare disagree with them. Why? Because as long as they can blame others and play victim, they don’t have to look in the mirror and ask themselves why their spouse would need to step out on them in order to get their needs met. Playing victim is very alluring — everyone sympathizes with you, it’s a way to get more power in your relationship and it provides a convenient excuse if you end up driving your wayward spouse away anyway. You read some of these people who “can’t get over it” years after it happened. Why? They don’t WANT to get over it!! They’d rather be the victim and try and gain the upper hand over their spouse. Why some of these waywards stay is beyond me. Life is too short tolerate endless punishment. There has to be an end to it.

    I never blamed my ex-OW for my actions. Never. I was responsible for my decisions. And what I’ve told my wife over and over is this: Focusing on the OW is pointless. She didn’t cause my marital problems. Me and my wife did! The OW was a symptom of the problems. Period.

    So ignore the idiots. They need a punching bag because of their own lack of abilities to either pick the right person to marry or to sustain and nurture an adult relationship. They are just “shitty spouses” that can’t handle the truth.

  2. I honestly rather not answer that questions, because it might come out too harsh, but just like Recovering Wayward stated, we/me/you are not the problem, we are the outcome to a marriage that has a problem that is not being solved, needs that are not being met. In a very crazy way we sometime serve as a life saver to these marriages by giving them as the OW/OM what they are so needing from their spouse and in turn because of this the marriage overcomes the bump in the relationship journey (if they don’t get caught that is) and are able to just go on with their marriage while their other needs are also being met giving them the balance they need and which allows them to stay with their spouse for 30/40/50 years.

  3. Always glad to help. I understand you and I know a lot of what you are going through, even if our stories are very different.

    I too suffered the negative people on the blog. The “holier than thou”. The fools. The idiots. The “Shitty Spouse Club” members. All of it. They aren’t why I took down my blog, because I discounted most of their opinions. Few of them show either wisdom or basic intelligence in the equal quantities of emotion and anger. But that’s their problem. I don’t think too much on how I’m view by society. I have one life and I have to live it. I fell off the horse. All i can do is change the future and the present. I can’t do a thing about the past. Just keep soldiering on.

    After the hell I went through last fall, getting it in stereo from my both my spouse and my lover, I think I can survive damn near anything now.

    A few of us “understand.” The rest don’t have the capacity or the will to understand. Fuck ’em.

  4. I don’t want to be considered one of the ‘shitty spouse brigade’ but I would like to add my two cents here. First of all I completely agree – the other women is NOT solely to blame. And those who try and kid themselves that she is, will never heal or recover from it.
    But what I want to add is that not all affairs happen because there is a problem in the marriage or because something is missing. My husband had an affair and it wasn’t for any of those reasons. My husband suffers from depression and has severe self-esteem issues. The ‘other woman’ relentlessly pursued him (I know this from emails, text messages and eye-witness accounts) and he liked the attention. It made him feel good about himself. Its took him a long time to realise that what he thought he was looking for in someone else was right in front of him. He’s changed a lot now and although we have a long way to go we are definitely on the road to recovery.
    I’d be lying if I said I felt no anger towards her but that doesn’t mean I think it was all on her. My anger comes from the fact that she has bluntly stately ‘she has no regrets and would do it all over again’ and because she feels it was her right. My husband made me angry but he showed remorse and regret and has sought out forgiveness. He’s changed his ways, his attitude and his lifestyle. He deserves the forgiveness he has been given. As for the other woman, she is nothing in my life – we don’t even live in the same country. So I don’t focus on her or let my life revolve around her.
    Most importantly – I am not a victim. Bad things happen – either you let them break you or you let them make you stronger. I hope its clear which option I chose.

    • I admire the clear FAIR way you think. Everyone plays a role. You see that. I am not saying she shouldn’t be upset with me… of course she should be… but to blame me and say it was all me that her husband would never have done this with anyone but me, (which isn’t true he had) is absurd. I am glad you and your husband are healing. I admire your forgiveness and the hard work you are both putting toward your marriage.

    • I don’t know you or your story, nor did I suggest that all affairs are caused by a lousy marriage/relationship. Not at all. You are correct in that some are caused because the person cheating has a low character. Or they just need the thrill of something hidden and forbidden. Or maybe they are just serial cheaters.

      But as I’ve read in the wake of my affair, is that the VAST MAJORITY are caused by a strong deficiency in the primary relationship. One or more critical unmet emotional needs. It’s not an excuse for an affair — honestly there is none — but is usually the reason that one (or both) partners become vulnerable to one. It’s what creates the environment or vacuum where an affair can start and thrive.

      You say your husband had one due to depression and lack of self-esteem. But feeling loved, admired and desired IS one of the critical emotional needs. While you can blame it entirely on him, the fact that he was needing to feel loved/admired/desired and wasn’t by his wife is perhaps, at least, an aggravating factor here? And perhaps you fell down on the job just a tad? Just putting that out there because I think to blame your husband 100% for the affair may not be accurate (or it might be..I don’t know you too and I haven’t read your blog).

      That being said, it’s human nature to go after the Affair Partner, maybe even more than the spouse. How many times have you heard the cliche of the husband whose wife has cheated saying he’s going to go “and kill that guy!” As if the guy held a gun to his wife’s head and forced her to have an affair!

      This is misplaced anger. It’s often manifested because it allows the Betrayed Spouse to avoid responsibility. As long as you can blame someone else, you don’t have to look in the mirror and figure out if you contributed in a large or small way to the marital relationship failing such that the wayward spouse went outside the marriage to get their needs met.

      It’s a typical thought and reaction by both men and women. Predictable. but inaccurate.

      even if this woman relentless pursued your husband, he is still responsible for his choices and actions. 100%. Is she a jerk for doing it and having no remorse? you bet!! She’s responsible for HER choices too.

      But blame cannot be dsiplaced here.

      I have a simple example I’ve used — someone could drop off 2 pounds of crack at my door EVERY day, and I will never smoke. Just having it available isn’t enough to make me cross the line.

      So even if my ex-OW did do all she could to start and sustain my affair, I cannot blame her for my decisions. Not a bit. But that doesn’t mean she’s blameless or a saint.

      ok off my soapbox.

      • This is exactly what I need. All sides. All views. I admire your comments Recovering Wayward, because it puts insight into how HE, (my MM) might feel now… still missing me, and respecting my ‘adult way’ in walking away but his heart choosing to fix his family. I admire your level head.

  5. yes, you have it exactly. I’m quite sure that’s what he’s thinking. Wish my ex-OW was as level-headed as you are. Her actions made it such that I can never really imagine really talking to her again, even if I was divorced. I would never trust her again and would doubt anything she told me, given what she did to me. The irony is she did my wife a favor — in the wake of D-Day, I made a decision to leave my OW and focus on my marriage, but I was not 100% sure. I was wavering and wondered if my decision was knee-jerk. Her actions, and some of her lies I subsequently found out about it, sealed my decision completely. It was a no-brainer after that. Not that I don’t have complex feelings about her still — I do. But I can never imagine being in her world again. Never.

    • in fact, it’s worse than I really could never have any kind of civil relationship with her again. I still fear her. That her ego and immature brain won’t allow her to get past the fact that she got dumped by a man, and for the first time in her life. That, no matter the consequences, she is still planning revenge because i had the audacity to change my mind and terminate the inappropriate relationship with her. That my moment of clarity told me that I needed to save my marriage and my family and that I couldn’t do both. It’s sad that I’m still under threat and may have to drag her back to court someday and/or sue her personally because she can’t find a way inside herself to let this go and move on.

  6. I just wanted to be mature in the way it ended because I want him if in any way to remember me as being kind, caring and mature. I will not threaten, argue or act like a child to get my way. I don’t want drama for him. He has enough of that at home. I care too much about him to act that way.

  7. Thanks for not attacking me and actually taking in what I had to say. Wayward I really wasn’t trying to accuse you of anything – apologies it came across that way. Thanks for the reply though. I hear everything you’re saying and in the vast majority of cases you are absolutely right. I’m really grateful mine isn’t that case. After it happened I really did question what I was doing wrong or not doing at all. It hit me hard. I don’t want to go into the whole history and everything but after some counselling and things it was brought to light that I wasn’t doing anything wrong or not doing things – especially when it came to offering love, confirmation, admiration, etc. It helped me a lot to deal with things. And it has also made me work even hard at making sure my husband knows he’s loved, appreciated and gets all the attention he needs!

  8. Sounds like you have a good perspective on it. I wasn’t trying to attack you. Not at all. But your words sound familiar to me from other forums and blogs and I was merely pointing out that betrayed spouses are frequently in as much of a “fog” as to what’s going on as are the wayward spouses. That neither of them has a monopoly on the truth, and that there is a certain amount of rewriting of history by both sides. How often do you hear a betrayed spouse say “I thought we had a great marriage! I didn’t see this coming!!”?? Well, obviously it wasn’t, and the spouse wasn’t really paying enough attention to know that their husband or wife was miserable enough to take a really drastic step like have an affair to get their needs met.

    It’s easy to point the finger at someone else — on all sides. The betrayed spouse wants to blame the wayward spouse. The betrayed spouse wants to blame the OW/OM. The OW/OM wants to blame the wayward spouse or the betrayed spouse. The wayward spouse seeks to blame the betrayed spouse or the OM/OW. It’s human nature. It’s easier to point the finger than to look in the mirror and we have a real problem in current society with people taking personal accountability for themselves.

    The reality is that all the players in this triangle played a role in creating the environment in which an affair not only became possible, but viable. And all should shoulder their share of the blame before they point the finger.

    • In my case, and the case of the MM I had an affair with, we BOTH were not having our needs met in our marriages. Mine to the point that my husband NEVER came home…. His in his wife treated him like a child and talked down to him often. He said he never really felt like a man with a family at home but another child. He said more than anything he enjoyed our conversations because I listened and didn’t ‘tell him’ what to do. I don’t see happily married people doing such a thing but anything is possible I guess. I think it is just more rare to do it just because.

      • yes, that’s what it comes down to 90% of the time and something that the “Shitty Spouse Brigade” rarely seems to understand. Affairs aren’t really about sex …or ego….or “just because I could because I’m an uncaring, selfish bastard/bitch”…It really comes down to unmet needs. People who would never have dreamed that they would end up in an affair often have them. The cheating percentages are about the same for men and women (another myth busted!), and are almost 50%! So obviously half the population of married people can’t be categorized as selfish, uncaring, narcissists! Something else is going…

        And what is it? VAST VAST unhappiness in marriages. Widespread. Epidemic. Is it unrealistic views of how it should be? Some might say yes…but I think mostly it’s that people get married and too many think, “case closed”..and they stop doing the things for each other they did when they were courting. …or one is getting THEIR needs met (and “family” and “domestic/financial support” or among the 10 emotional needs), and really don’t notice (or care) that their partners’ needs are different and aren’t being met.

        It’s why these things occur. It’s why people seem so shocked when they are the spouse betrayed….because they stopped noticing…stopped caring…stopped doing much of anything to nurture their relationship.

        Is this in all cases? nope. there ARE serial cheaters out there — people who will cheat just for the hell of it (I’ve seen some of the blogs. Some of them are women!), or because their needs can never be met by one person. But these are the rarities. Good people end up doing bad things and literally can’t believe that they did. But they do.

  9. Wow, I could have written that. Im so being given 100% of the blame. You would think I had mind control of something the way my fOM’s betrayed wife tells the story. She makes her husband out to be completely innocent and me the biggest whore in the world.

    In reality he was a man in his late 40’s who had been married almost a quarter of a century to a woman who didn’t met his sexual needs. Now to be fair, she didn’t and still doesn’t know those needs even exist…he will never tell her, not sure why. Like Wayward said, if basic needs aren’t being met they will go elsewhere.

    In my case my husband and I got into a fight and he just left, he was gone over two months. That’s when then affair started. His wife makes it seem like I persued him but he lived an hour away from me and I don’t drive. He came to me everytime. I could have, and should have put a stop to it when he started coming over everyday “just to see how I was” but I didn’t. I was lonely and depressed, with no contact with the outside world. At that point I was severely agoraphobic and couldn’t even step onto my front porch alone, though with some people I was okayish to leave the house. I didn’t own a cell phone, have a car, or anything. There is no realistic way I could have actually persued him.

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