Crap. I have massive anxiety now….

Just now my husband said to me… “It is clear to me that I’ve really lost you, I’ve been wrong all this time, I’ve said I’d change again and again and I’ve failed to do so.  I said I’d quit drinking time and time again.  I said I’d start coming home and never did.  I continually stole pills from you.  I never keep my word.  So I’m quitting the band.  I know I’ve said that before but this time I sold my amp and guitar. I’ll put a 100% into us now.”

FUCK.

NOW?

Three years later?

Don’t even tell me better late than never.

I want this I do,  I think.  Maybe.  The above word is perfect.   Fuck.  I don’t know what to do…  why is my life like this?  I was nothing but faithful wanting our family for YEARS as I sat back and was crapped on.  How do I love someone I am so angry at?!?!?

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6 thoughts on “Crap. I have massive anxiety now….

  1. I know what you’re saying here. It seems like a big step for him. If things go in the right direction maybe try counseling? Do you think your feelings for him can change if he changes?

  2. based on your many posts here and your other blog, I don’t think your heart is in it. You can’t recover while still obsessing over the OM. Your heart has to be open to reconciliation, completely. Are you? Be honest with yourself and him BEFORE he sells his things. Is it too late?

    • I wouldn’t say it is too late, I love my husband very, very much, I just have been hurt time and time again. I think I personally have come a VERY long way in getting over my affair. I see the baby steps that have become what seems like huge strides. There were months I didn’t stop crying or get off the couch. I’ve been out… I’ve been busy, I’ve stopped contacting him, I’ve stopped blogging to him, I’ve started counseling, all I can say is I’m trying. Has it gone to far and not able to be repaired? I don’t know. It was only what a week and a half that he stole pills from me again… I don’t know. I don’t want him to lose his ‘one thing’ his ‘fun time’ I think men and women need that, however with the ‘type’ of band he is in the drinking and drugs (and women) come with it. I need to see my role in this too. I have to be able to give him the support he needs too… Can I be affectionate and caring and loving to someone I have so much built up anger towards? I don’t know. All I know is under all the anger, hurt, lies, affair and distance is two people that loved each other in the past… and I still see glimpses of that man that I fell in love with. I know for sure it takes two to tango, I know its not all him, I am a control freak. I do not trust him. I feel like I have to hide things from the man I am married to. When I can’t find something worth any value I instantly find myself blaming him… how do you work through all of that?!? Time and counseling I guess….

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