Okay… this isn’t going to sound like me. I have these up days and I have down days. In slowly (and I mean SLOWLY) getting over my MM (I love how I call him mine- what a joke) I am seeing something. I DESERVED more. Yes he made me happy, yes I ADORED him. Yes I was happier than I have ever been. Yes the intimate moments were amazing. However (and it ONLY has taken nearly 7 months to see) what I was doing was settling to be second. I deserve more. I deserve to be loved by ONE person that loves me and wants ONLY me. I didn’t realize this until I read the book, “Once Upon a Secret” by Mimi Alford. She was a 19 year old intern at the White House when President Kennedy was in office. She had a nearly two year affair (wow just like me) with the President. (JUST LIKE ME IN THE LEGNTH OF TIME, I SWEAR I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH PRESIDENT OBAMA LOL). It was a GREAT book. I couldn’t put it down. Please, please read it. Because I, could relate, it was a FAST read. I realized she waited for him in hotel rooms, and waited for him to call. Waited for him to want her. Waited for him to ‘need her’. And she did, she fell in love with him. She said being that ‘waiting person’ never bothered her. It just made me think I was doing the same thing. Waiting. Waiting to be what his wife wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t mind because what I was waiting for made me happier than I had ever been. If he right now, right this second walked up to my door and I opened it to him standing there… what would I do? I know for a fact I’d cry. I think, (truly), as hard as it would be the words that would, (that now COULD) come out of my mouth would be: ____________, (his name), I love you. You know I do. But I have had an excruciating time getting over you and walking away. I felt love for you like I have never felt. I could love you again, instantly, this I know because I still love you. However, my needs, my wants, my desires and my expectations have changed. I want more. I don’t find myself as being a selfish person. But I am not going to allow myself to physically love you unless I can love all of you. I am not asking you to leave your wife OR family. I would never do that and I don’t want that on me, I just deserve someone who can love me…. all of me and only me. And if you love me too, this will make perfect sense to you. I would then hope to have the courage to wish him the best and close the door. I’m pretty sure sobbing behind closed doors would occur. It would hurt more than any hurt I have ever felt. I know this for a fact but I know now what I want. I want that love that we felt we had but I want it all to ourselves. I swear I am not being selfish. I deserve AT LEAST that. Every single day is a uphill battle. One it appears I am winning. At least it appears I am winning the battle today.