Day by day.

Okay… this isn’t going to sound like me.  I have these up days and I have down days.  In slowly (and I mean SLOWLY) getting over my MM (I love how I call him mine- what a joke) I am seeing something.  I DESERVED more.  Yes he made me happy, yes I ADORED him.  Yes I was happier than I have ever been.  Yes the intimate moments were amazing. However (and it ONLY has taken nearly 7 months to see) what I was doing was settling to be second.   I deserve more.  I deserve to be loved by ONE person that loves me and wants ONLY me.  I didn’t realize this until I read the book, “Once Upon a Secret” by Mimi Alford.   She was a 19 year old intern at the White House when President Kennedy was in office.  She had a nearly two year affair (wow just like me) with the President. (JUST LIKE ME IN THE LEGNTH OF TIME, I SWEAR I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH PRESIDENT OBAMA LOL).   It was a GREAT book.  I couldn’t put it down.  Please, please read it.  Because I, could relate, it was a FAST read.   I realized she waited for him in hotel rooms, and waited for him to call.  Waited for him to want her.  Waited for him to ‘need her’.  And she did, she fell in love with him. She said being that ‘waiting person’ never bothered her.  It just made me think I was doing the same thing.  Waiting.  Waiting to be what his wife wasn’t.  Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t mind because what I was waiting for made me happier than I had ever been. If  he right now, right this second walked up to my door and I opened it to him standing there… what would I do?  I know for a fact I’d cry.  I think, (truly), as hard as it would be the words that would, (that now COULD) come out of my mouth would be:  ____________, (his name), I love you.  You know I do.  But I have had an excruciating time getting over you and walking away.  I felt love for you like I have never felt.  I could love you again, instantly, this I know because I still love you.  However, my needs, my wants, my desires and my expectations have changed.  I want more.  I don’t find myself as being a selfish person.  But I am not going to allow myself to physically love you unless I can love all of you.  I am not asking you to leave your wife OR family.  I would never do that and I don’t want that on me, I just deserve someone who can love me…. all of me and only me.  And if you love me too, this will make perfect sense to you.  I would then hope to have the courage to wish him the best and close the door.  I’m pretty sure sobbing behind closed doors would occur.  It would hurt more than any hurt I have ever felt.  I know this for a fact but I know now what I want.  I want that love that we felt we had but I want it all to ourselves.  I swear I am not being selfish.  I deserve AT LEAST that. Every single day is a uphill battle.  One it appears I am winning.  At least it appears I am winning the battle today.

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10 thoughts on “Day by day.

  1. I loved that book!!! I actually posted about it recently on my blog. It was written so well and showed the innocent side of the affair, showed how young she was and what even the older people don’t focus on.

    You are correct, you deserve to find someone that wants you and only you!!! I hope you find that one day.

    • Thank you. I don’t know if I will find someone like that or if my husband and I will be able to get back to that. We are working on it. There is just a lot of hurt that we have to work through…

      • Hurt takes a lot of time to heal, and time is the other thing that works, trust me. I may be young and “inexperienced” as people say, but I have dealt with a lot of hurt and pain…time truly is the only healing. Time and therapy can help some too, though I tried it and not for me…that lady was horrible! Research one good before you go!!

        “In the end everything will be ok, if it’s not ok, then it’s not the end.”

  2. Profound…sad….I know how you feel…I’m sure my ex-OW would say some of the same things..except that she did everything in her power to try and get me to leave my wife and family. I feel for you. It’s ok to feel these things and I guess it helps to say them out loud.

    It WILL fade….you will never forget…but it will fade…it has faded for me in the last two months. I can feel it. I long for her less than I used to. I now see her as someone whom I’m glad I didn’t end up with. Too many red flags. Too many complications. I still care about her. I wish I could safely speak with her, but I know now that I will never be with her under almost any scenario I can imagine

      • I can say that I never asked him (EVER) to leave his wife. I never wanted that on me. I wanted to feel and know if he ever did that it was all on his own. I didn’t want that shit to ever come back to bite me in the ass. I also will never approach him or act like a psycho out of the respect I have for him. I want to look like an adult. I loved him. You don’t treat someone you love and care about and truly wish the best for (with or without me).

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