Goodbye letter. Therapist says to write but not send. So here it goes.

We said this would never,  could never happen.  I feel so many emotions I don’t know where to start.  I started to go to counseling. You’ve been one humdinger to get over.  I was given homework by my therapist.   I am supposed to write you a farewell letter.  She told me to not keep it brief.  To cover everything.  As if I only get once chance to say it all, somehow this is supposed to help so here it goes.

June 2010 until October 2011 was simply the best days of my life.  I laughed and smiled more than I ever remember doing so.  You taught me so much about myself.  You taught me so much about what I want and what I deserve when it comes to someone to love me and a relationship.  There are so many things I want to cover that I don’t know where to start.

At first I was so hurt that you decided to tell her everything.   I understood, I did, but it hurt so much.   As a couple months went by I understood.  Telling a wife all. Having that tell all relationship with someone.  THE someone you are married to… not a fill in. Not a fill in ‘me’.  I truly wish you both the best and I hope you can make your marriage work.  She deserves all of you if she is going to have any of you.

Seeing your family at dinner the other night instantly made me feel shameful. I wanted to be invisible.  I wanted to apologize to her in person. I wanted to run away.  I wanted to hug your kids, I wanted to tell my daughter what a horrible person I was.

But when it comes to you, it is so complicated.  I remember the smiling dancing you on Skype, when I couldn’t get my sound to work to hear the music you were dancing to.  I remember the dancing you at the baseball game.  I remember the tearful you when we talked about you growing up and your grandma.  I remember the moon every single time we were together.   I remember how attractive you always were dressed in your suit and tie. I remember blogging to you often.  I remember laughing so hard at different things.  I can’t see or think of anything we didn’t discuss.  From Ellen, to politics, to family, to my husbands issues to food, to cooking, to sports, to the snow and the seasons.  I don’t know why everything seemed so beautiful when I had you in my life.

I will forever see you in everything.  I will forever remember that year and a half.  I will never forget it.  But you showed me something.  You are human.  You with me made a mistake that I to made with you.  However I see that you are a good man, choosing your family, choosing what you should choose.  Deciding to do right and work on it 100%.

As far as your wife goes… this is where I struggle.

She was nothing but a perfect friend to me.  My reasons to be friends with her were selfish at first, (to be able to see you more) but she TRULY grew on me.  I realized when she was gone I missed her too.  I have never treated anyone, (EVER) the way I did her, and I will never again.  THAT is the part I regret.   That is the part I am most ashamed of.  I am so so so sorry I caused any stress (added stress) to your marriage.  That was NEVER my intentions.  I know I don’t need to explain anything to you, I know you know me.    I am walking away.  I am choosing as of today to make you a memory.  A wonderful, beautiful memory.  I hope at least you can respect the mature way I am walking away, because trust me what I desire to do, (my heart) is to bang on your door and demand that I love you.  You never made me feel like ‘the other woman’.  You made me feel so special and loved.  I will always adore you for that.

I wish for you two things.

1. your marriage to heal.

and 2. You to stand up to her ONLY in the area of your family.  That is the only thing that truly broke my heart the entire time.  You should be able to have and deserve to have a relationship with your family.   Things are said, hurtful things, like the words that were exchanged on your wedding day between your wife and family, and I fully understand her hurt.  I do.  However people (just like we did) make mistakes.  They (your family) probably REALLY regret the words that day.  Life is too short.  To short to never speak again.  Even though I respect you standing up for your wife, I get it, I get the entire story.  However YEARS later, you deserve a family and people outside of your marriage, to go to when you are hurting and needing family where you weren’t in a position to find me.  Don’t misunderstand I am glad you did, but had you had them all of this may have never happened.   I’ll get off my soap box now, just remember I saw your tears.  I felt your hurt over the subject.  Its an area that you are hurting.  Which is an area your WIFE should care about.

I wish you the best.  Truly.   I love you, I meant those words the day we said them.

Good luck, and only the very best to you and your family.

-Smalls.

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3 thoughts on “Goodbye letter. Therapist says to write but not send. So here it goes.

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