Here one minute and gone the next..

My Aunt died today.  Lighting a candle in her honor.  I’m sad, I am so sad for my Uncle and my cousins.  The hurt I feel is so similar to what I felt when the MM I was seeing was suddenly gone. He was there loving me and then he wasn’t.  I never really thought of it like a death, but fully there, to fully gone is kinda like dying.  Its a grieving process I guess.   I’ve thought a lot this weekend.  About what it is that I miss.   Its not the intimate cuddling or all of the romantic stuff he did to me and for me… its just the conversation and connection.  The friendship.  Felling like someone truly cared about me.  Truly listened to me in a way that my husband didn’t.  Someone who’s eyes filled with tears when I was hurting.   Someone who genuinely was concerned when I was aching when my grandma died. Someone who made me smile on my lowest of low days.  I realize today with my Aunt dying, how much better he made the situation when my grandma died.  And it wasn’t by having sex with me.  I feel like people judge other women thinking its all sex.   That we are just whores and sluts.  Ladies of men who cheat, its NOT always like that.   Most men, (believe it or not from what I read and have learned), cheat for emotional needs not being met before sexual needs not being met.  I mean men think about sex all the time, that is a proven fact, but I don’t think the MM I speak of was like, “I want a piece of ass, I think I’ll get on Craigslist and start talking to someone to get it.  I’ll take six to eight months to talk to her, and then another few months to get to know her in person, and give her that first kiss,”…. I just think my situation was different.  Sex I’m sure is a LOT of it for most affairs, but I don’t think the first step of men is to get a piece of ass… yeah maybe sometimes.   I think that is part of it… I think sex is an issue in most cheating spouses marriages, but I am willing to put money down that there is something bigger there 99 percent of the time.

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2 thoughts on “Here one minute and gone the next..

  1. First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I too am faced with ageing parents and others around me who have died. It’s NEVER easy!!

    And you are correct — it’s too simple to say, “Men have affairs for sex!”. Certainly that’s the stereotype, and certainly that’s true of SOME men — Those go to Ashley Madison certainly aren’t really looking for love, but on the other hand, there are a lot of married women on there too, otherwise there would be nobody for the men there to hook up with!

    Everything I’ve read says that men and women largely have affairs for the same reasons — unmet emotional needs. Now to be fair, “Sexual fuflllment” is one of the top 10 emotional needs, and is more frequently in the top 5 for men than women. However, it IS primarily an emotional need — that it’s how many men feel close to a woman and feel like a sexual, desired, and wanted being. Which frequently is not the case at home. So for those men, they are meeting a primary emotional need in an emotional affair with sex.

    But you’re right. for most men, why they get involved with others is because critical emotional needs (in addition to sexual fulfillment) aren’t being met at home. The need to feel love, affection, desired, wanted, admired — is short-hand for what many men (and women) say is the reason they got into an affair. how alluring it is to have someone who seems interested in you! Who thinks you are smart, funny, sexy!! Someone who listens!

    Like you, the sex for me came pretty slowly. After the night I met my OW, I didn’t physically see her for 6 months. All we did was message, email and talk on the phone. It grew very slowly. I fell in love with her before I laid a hand on her.

    but for many women, (and I heard a neighbor say it at a party), “ALL MEN WILL CHEAT IF GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY”, because they are horny bastards. That’s not only sexist, but dismissive of men. And just a way of women consoling themselves by saying, “I’m so AWESOME that even if he cheated, it can’t be because of me me me!!” — it’s another way of not looking in the mirror and see if you are meeting your partner’s critical emotional needs.

    Similarly, to just put down women who get involved in affairs as sluts or whores is just another way for betrayed spouses to feel superior, dismissive and not look in the mirror.

    I am very very unhappy with my ex-OW. She behaved HORRIBLY when I broke it off and I’ve found out many things about her that tells me that I made the right choice in breaking it off. I was lied to. Seriously. And then abused merely because I wanted out so I could save my marriage and family.

    But that being said, I don’t blame my ex-OW for my affair. She didn’t hold a gun to my head. I’m not a weak-minded simp that merely needs a nice pair of legs and tits flashed in front of me to start rutting like a goat. No, I made the choice to be in the affair. I made the compromises every day that led me down that path. My wife can be angry that the OW agreed to be involved with me and tried to take me away, but she’s not the reason I had the affair. I don’t smoke crack even if someone offered it to me everyday. I CHOSE to be in the affair. I am 100% responsible for my own decisions. I think of her now as a flawed, terrible, self-centered and immature woman. But not a slut. We built the affair together. And frankly I’m the worse one — I was the one with vows, not her.

    Sorry for being so long winded.

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