A very special E-mail!

I can’t sleep tonight, story of my life lately.  My husband is sleeping next to me.   I have watched Jay Leno, tried to read, took a shower, and now I guess I am going to blog.  I am exhausted so I won’t even know if this makes sense until tomorrow.   So we, (my husband and I) talked.   I told him my fears of him working out of town and bunking with the pot user.  If you don’t know what I am talking about please read “TRUST” two posts prior to this one.   He says he understands my feelings.  He said he was one step ahead of me and talked to his boss (who was our best man in our wedding).  His boss totally understood and swapped the rooms around where he is in a room with his boss and not the pot head.   Sorry that is rude.  The pot head lol has a name, but we will call him PH.  😀

Anyway tonight I got this email, (I’ve copied and pasted):

C,    <—–(me)

I just wanted to let you know I am proud of you.  You have been through a lot the last four years. I want you to know I am stepping up to be an encourager for good choices while your husband is away from home.   I watched your husband make horrible choices regardless of my suggestions on behavior and right from wrong over those same last four years.   I want you to know I think he hit rock bottom.  He approached me and asked for a raise “to prove to his wife his desire to help more and be the man he should have been from day one”.  I didn’t deny him a raise.  I gave him a pretty substanical raise to encourage him.  Outside of being my employee, he is my friend.  When your husband met you, he was head over hills, he talked about you the entire day while we were working.  A few years into your marriage his own business (as you know) flew off the ground, causing him to leave me.  I lost my best empolyee that day.   I don’t know exactly what happened but in conversations with him he made horrible choices he said.  Choices he feared he could never make up to you.   He begged me about two months ago for a job back and a raise.  I granted him both, just to encourage him.  I talked about my wife and family every second I had, every time I knew he was with in ear shot.  I just wanted family to be in his mind and in his heart.   He started working harder, coming in earlier, staying later, asking me how he should approch you a final time to make your marriage work.   I just kept telling him “show her, don’t tell her”.

I’m writing you this email because he made a HUGE step today and I thought you should know about it.   He came to me and asked me to bunk with him while we are out of town.  He said he didn’t want to be around _____________ becuase of his drug use.  I have never seen ____________ use and he knows damn good and well I better not see him use or I will fire him, but your husband seems to think he will do this after work hours.  He teared up a bit saying he couldn’t mess up with you again.  He has seen over the last month just how much he had hurt you by not being there for you.   I will bunk with him I told him.  Please know when he is away from you I will be encouraging him to be strong.  We will talk about family.  I will ask him about his kids. I will help you in this.  I think that is my role when I said I’d be his best man.  I don’t think it just was a ‘job’ for your wedding day.   I saw your hope in him.  I can’t believe how long you waited for him to ‘wake up’.    I am so glad he did.

Your a good wife.  He knows it.  We’ve talked and he knows that it would be easy for another man to fall for you because there aren’t many women out there that are as kind, patient, understanding, hard working, independent  business owners, that can stand on her own with five kids with out a man providing for her.   As messed up as this sounds, I am glad you did what you did with the man you met.  I think seriously that is what woke him up.  Don’t be embarrassed that I know.  He begged me for his job, tears and all saying he was going to loose you for good if he didn’t wake up and somehow quickly become better than ‘the other guy who at this point deserved you’.   I had an affair.  My wife was an alcoholic (well once you are you always are) but she threw her entire life away and I waited for her to quit being stupid and choose her family.  She has been clean now for nine years but we had three years where it was bad.  A year of that we were separated and I made some choices.  I don’t regret them, they kind of helped our situation, I had to be happy.  I had to find happiness somewhere because I was so hurt and raw that she would let her behavior and actions rip everything that I loved apart. People do things to move on.  To feel better.  To get to the next part of their life.  Trust me he isn’t angry at you.  He blames himself for your actions.   I know you and I know your personality, I know you would take all the blame for this, but trust me, it wouldn’t have happend if your husband would have been there as he should have been, and he knows it.     He is trying.  He is trying really hard.  Thank you for believing him, even if it truly is the very last time.  I’ve got his back while he is away from you.  I won’t let him mess this up.   He loves you.  Very much.

Your a good woman, C!

Sincerly,

-C  <—– my husbands boss.

Wow.  Ummm.  Just wow is all I could think.  C had an affair?  C has my husbands back?  C is feeding him ‘family talk’.  C thinks I am a good wife?  C thinks his job as my husbands best man extends into future issues?  HOW FRICKING AWESOME!   My heart is at peace my dear blog readers.   Right now I feel very blessed.

Wouldn’t you know it…

I know I did wrong in having an affair.

I know by putting myself out there people were going to judge me.

I didn’t start blogging to have others feel sorry for me.

I did however blog to vent and heal and whatever.

So how dare you judge me… if you don’t like what I write, simply don’t read it.  I’m fine with your opinions… I get it.

I’m asking for comments.  Fine.  I have a lot of followers/commenters/bloggers that are on ‘the other side of this situation’.

I respect them, they have helped me to.  But her comment was so hurtful and mean.

“I think its funny that you titled a post trust.  NO one should trust you.  You not trusting your husband is called Karma for your disgusting actions.  You just want people to feel sorry for you to justify you having an affair.  I hope your husband wakes up and fucks another to show you first hand what you did to your husband and the married mans wife.”

I don’t get many of these comments but when I do they bother me.  Why wouldn’t they?  I’m human.  The funny thing to me is they are not perfect.  I’m pretty sure they’ve made choices in life that weren’t the best.

😦   

My story is different.    I didn’t just go out and sleep with someone with a loving devoted married man at home.  Drugs, being absent for YEARS was part of this…. does it make it right?  No.  But last time I checked judging others is a sin too.  But whatever.  If it floats her boat to be such a judging, hateful person then judge away if you feel better about yourself at the end of the day.  Oh and what you said about Karma, that you are right about, Karma will come back and bite you in the butt for judging others!  

Trust

 

I guess I am in the mood to blog today.  That is a good thing being that I haven’t been feeling it.  My husband and I are doing pretty well.   He is going to be going out of town for work and I am struggling with this a little bit.  But I figure he is struggling with stuff with me probably too.  I just know the one guy that works for him is a huge pot head.  They are staying out of town because it is a three week job and he will be sharing a room with this guy.  The company put two men to a room and have allowed them Friday’s off to go home for three day weekends… anyway long story short I don’t’ want my husband in a room with this guy.  I think one drug leads to another and I am terrified.   Do I trust him?  Yes.  Do I trust his addictions?  No.  Part of me debated calling this guys wife, (I know her I used to do daycare for her daughter) and just tell her to talk to her husband….. BUT then I felt like that isn’t fair to my husband… I just don’t know what to do.  Pot I guess isn’t a big deal, but I’ve never done it, my fear is one thing always leads to another… it was pot that started my husbands downward spiral to pain killers.  The pain killers lead to wanting to hang more with the band and the guys that do that…. which lead to him never being here, which lead to my choices and wrong doings.   I’m terrified.

I feel like I owe it to him to trust him but I am human and right to have these feelings right?

Please keep in mind that this subject, this ‘thing’ has the ability to destroy my marriage.   I want to look at my husband and say this, “what if for three weeks I was supposed to go out of town and sleep in a room, in a bed next to HIM?  Could I not touch HIM?  Could I not have a weak moment?  Would you be comfortable trusting me?  Would it bother you?  Would you say anything to me?  Would you be a wreck while I was gone?  Would you question me when I came home?  And I’ll be TOTALLY honest, I don’t know what I’d do.  I would hope I’d make the right decision, but I loved HIM so much… it was so good for so long, and he was there for me when you weren’t.  Sadly.

 

Its driving me mad.

Let it go.  Trust.  <——– doing just this turned my life upside down once already.   What do you think?  Am I paranoid?  Or are my feelings understandable.

 

Yellow butterflies and broken hearts

You know, this isn’t the first time my heart has broken.  My grandmother was my world.  I would say its safe to say she was more my mom than my grandmother.  I was closer to her than I EVER was my mom. Don’t get me wrong I love my mom but I was always at my grandma’s house when I was a kid and I lived with her when I was a teenager.  When my kids were born I took care of her. Her favorite color was yellow.  She passed away one month before I met HIM.  I felt so alone when she died.  My husband wasn’t around when I was grieving her death.  So it just seemed like I was rock bottom.  I had an out of control teenager, (WAY out of control), my husband wanted to be out and about living his rock star dream and not coming home, I was lonely, my grandma died, and I just wanted to be happy.  I wanted to be held.  Be told it was going to be okay.  Smile about something, anything.    I don’t think I would have ever had an affair if my husband would have been here, and home for me.   I don’t.  I loved being married. I loved what we had.  I loved what my vows meant.  I loved our life.  Its just odd to me how him being on drugs, him stealing from me, his lies, him being gone and me feeling alone and taken advantage off will change what someone will do to feel loved.  I didn’t have my grandma to run to anymore.   I ran to her because she always made life seem so simple.  She’d give me these encouraging word… words that somehow made anything seem not so bad.  She’d tell me stories of bad times, and long term how they got through them.  She amazed me.  Her ability to always stay positive amazed me.  I was sitting outside today and a yellow butterfly landed on the footstool of my patio furniture.  Yellow butterflies always remind me of her. They are so light and bouncy and have this ‘fluttery-personality’ that seems happy and positive.  I sat there with my coffee and watched it slowly open and close its wings in the sunshine.   I know this sounds sappy, but it was huge to me.  I needed to see that.

I don’t know what she would tell me to do right now.  She always told me to keep my teen busy because if I didn’t they would find drugs.  She told me always how proud she was of me that drugs never crossed my life path.  I wonder what she would think about my husbands choices…. what she’d say about him blaming my oldest child for taking my pills.   She is the most understanding, most forgiving woman I know… I wonder what she’d say.  I wonder what she’d say about my affair.  She knew my heart more than anyone.  I never told her what was going on in my marriage because I didn’t want her to worry about me.   I think my grandpa worried about me being a teenager and the stupid stuff I was doing at 17 to the point he had a stroke.  I never wanted to worry her.  So I painted my life like it was good.  Like I was happy.   I know this post probably isn’t EXCITING lol but I needed to write what was on my mind and today its her.   I know she’d probably encourage me to fix my marriage.  She was a Godly woman and took her vows to God very seriously.  She would have probably told me that my husband was sick.  And he was.  But how long do we wait for our partners to wake up… before or after they have distorted our lives, and the lives of our kids… so I just let him go… “go do your thing”…. I just wanted to be happy.  Feel loved.  Feel needed.  Feel desired.  And HE did just that.  Perfectly.

P.S. I want to know what flowers butterflies (especially yellow ones lol) like… I need a BUNCH of what ever flowers those are in my yard!  🙂

I’d just like to thank….

http://onlinedatingjournal.wordpress.com/  for nominating me for this amazing little bloggers award.  I feel like I just write what is on my heart.  Thank you for this so much!

So the ‘rules’ of getting this award is as follows:

You are to repost the award in a post that includes the blogg of the person that nominated you!  Again, for me this would be http://onlinedatingjournal.wordpress.com/  (THANK YOU!!)

Then you are supposed to state ten things about you…. UMMMMM, (this is the part I don’t like).

I liked the idea of ask me any questions about myself that you my readers would like to know and I will truthfully answer them… anything.  Ask away.

Your comments can be your questions.

The last requirement of this blog is to give the award to ten other bloggers!  So here it goes!

1. http://shellssecrets.wordpress.com/               <—— LOVE YOU and your blog!

2. http://fourtiming.wordpress.com/                  <——I can so relate!!!

3. http://recoveringwayward.wordpress.com   <—– a HUGE help through all of my mess!

4.  http://ourjourneyafterhisaffair.wordpress.com   <——- my biggest commenter… I appreciate you and all your thoughts!

5. http://rocksforbrains.wordpress.com   <—– Love the posts!

6. http://helprequired.wordpress.com   <——feel for this blogger… we comment and email to each other often.

7. http://thetopleftkey.wordpress.com   <——-simple posts that make me think.

8. http://vsichalwe.wordpress.com/  <—— this blog has nothing to do with what I am going through but the comments to  me are always so kind and helpful!

9. http://storyofalice.wordpress.com/   <—— LOVE this blog!

10. http://serialliterature.wordpress.com/  <—— this bloggers comments are so encouraging and their blog is very attention getting!

I appreciate all of your posts, comments and kindness!  You all mean so very much to me, and have been a HUGE part of my healing process!  Thank you for all of your help!!!!  Please remember in the comments to ask me anything that you, (any of my readers) want to know or are wondering about me… I will answer!!!!

All I want for you in life, is for you to be happy.

I often wonder, what he is doing.  How close he is to emailing me.  Not respecting my feelings and just thinking of his.  I am having a hard time.   I love my husband.  I do.  I’m not saying this over and over trying to convince myself.  I just have never felt anything like I felt with him.  Nothing so moving.  Nothing so powerful.  Nothing so weakening. Nothing so empowering.   I miss a relationship feeling that way.. I didn’t even feel like that in the beginning with my husband.  Yes it was amazing.  But I have never felt what I felt with HIM.   I truly think it was from the six to eight months that we did nothing but talked.  Built a foundation of knowing someone.  Really knowing them.  Their heart, mind, soul.    I know soul sounds a little deep but I know the conversations that took place.  I have never had those types of conversations with anyone.   I’m telling you, I don’t miss all the sex stuff.  I miss the friendship.

I’d love to be friends with him.   LOL.  Yeah that won’t ever happen.  You know, have my cake and eat it too?   I so could write a book on my story.

I had a ‘bad’ dream last night.  This picture reminds me of it.  He accepted my walk away request and he started looking online for someone else…  It was like I was in the room watching him do it.  He just needed that friend.  That outlet from his selfish-self-centered-the world revolves around me wife.   I liked her as a friend I did.  I just hated the way she treated him.  He is this wonderful being.   I think I could walk away w/o being sad or missing him if I knew he was happy.  He isn’t.  He wasn’t.   It wasn’t just what he told me… don’t forget our families hung out.  I saw it.  Often. No wonder she started catching on.  She probably saw the physical hurt in my eyes when she treated him like shit.   I just want him happy.  Loved.  Adored.  Wanted.  Needed.  Appreciated.  The way he deserves to be.  By someone that can be there for just him.

Struggling day.

So some of you know that I am in school learning how to fly.  Airplanes. But helicopters have always been fascinating to me.  So my husband surprised me with a helicopter ride yesterday.  I was so excited.   How can thinking of HIM possibly interfere with this right?  Ummmm well he flew over the hotel that WE stayed in..  Flying in total happiness tears filled my eyes.  The pilot must have thought I lost it.  Thank God it was a two seater and my husband wasn’t in the helicopter.  I don’t know what I would have said.  The pilot asked if I was crying because I was scared and that he would land.  I told him please don’t think I am crazy but that hotel down there just has great meaning to me, and seeing it at this beautiful view just got me….   he must think I am a basket case.  How long is this going to be the case.  I got back and I was worried my husband would see through me.  I put down my sunglasses from holding my hair back and told him it was awesome, I tried really, really hard NOT to be quiet on the ride home.  How long is this going to take to let go?  I know the choice I’ve made is the one I want… I do.  I can’t have what isn’t mine.  I can’t make him choose me and I would never ask.  He came back, (texted me remember?) and I told him I’d made my choice as he did months ago.  When is this constant ache going to go away.  I think there might be a plus to a MM or AP going psycho… the anger and resentment I think might make getting over them easier.   Take me up doing my passion with my husband waiting excitedly on the ground and fly me around ‘the hotel’.  FML.    This pain can stop now.  Anytime.  Please and thank you.

I’m not missing you. At all.

Every time I think of you
I always catch my breath  <— (very true.)
And I’m still standing here
And you’re miles away  <— (not many 2 to be exact.  2 miles)
And I’m wondering why you left <—-(more why you told her but I get it)
And there’s a storm that’s raging
Through my frozen heart tonight <—(true).
I hear your name in certain circles <—- (yep)
And it always makes me smile  <— (or cry)
I spend my time thinking about you <—(always)
And it’s almost driving me wild   <— (yes)
And there’s a heart that’s breaking  <—-(still)
Down this long distance line tonight

I ain’t missing you at all
Since you’ve been gone away
I ain’t missing you
No matter what I might say

There’s a message in the wild
And I’m sending you this signal tonight
You don’t know how desperate I’ve become
And it looks like I’m losing this fight

In your world I have no meaning  <—(this is not true deep down I know, you’ve told me)
Though I’m trying hard to understand
And it’s my heart that’s breaking
Down this long distance line tonight
I ain’t missing you at all
Since you’ve been gone away
I ain’t missing you
No matter what my friends say <—(my blogging friends)

And there’s a message that I’m sending out
Like a telegraph to your soul <—- (I so know your soul, we talked about this often)
And if I can’t bridge this distance
Stop this heartbreak overload

I ain’t missing you at all
Since you’ve been gone away
I ain’t missing you
No matter what my friends say
I ain’t missing you, I ain’t missing you

I keep lying to myself  <—(I do)
And there’s a storm that’s raging
Through my frozen heart tonight

Putting the shine back in my marriage…

…is proving to be hard to do.   I am trying though.  I am starting to have panic attacks.  I have only had one panic attack in my life, and I have had two in the last week.    This overwhelming feeling starts to occur and I feel like I can’t breathe.  I don’t know what starts them.  Its kind of like I feel smothered.  I wanted nothing more than him to be here for two years that is all I wanted, all I prayed for and now he is here and I feel horrible but I feel like someone has walked in my house and taken over my life.   I know it is just something that is going to take getting used to.  I need to get off of my ‘do it all, control freak, OCD consumed, high horse’ and just accept the help, accept the love.  He loves me.  I feel like such an idiot.  I said in sickness and health and addiction is a sickness.  I should have been more supportive no matter how long it took.  I just kept telling myself that two years is a long time to wait for someone to change.  I was so lonely.    I still don’t feel the butterflies though.  I pray to God they are still there, because yes, I love him, (I DO), I just can’t love with out the butterfly effect.  I need to feel that feeling I felt for nearly two years with the MM.  I realized I had never felt that excitement in a relationship before and I am TERRIFIED I will never feel it again.  I’m trying not to sound like I’m throwing myself a pity party.   I want my marriage to work.  I choose my husband.  I choose to make it right.  And dammit, I will swallow butterflies if that is what it is going to take to start it off.    I don’t’ feel like I am settling I just know now, what I want it to feel like, what it should feel like.