I feel like I am spinning.

My last 24 hours is a blur.  So much has happened and I am sooooooooo confused.

I had my appointment.   My husband showed up I was shocked.   I was willing to bet money he wouldn’t.  My original plan was to do a my lawyer, your lawyer thing.  Then my lawyers words set in.  “If you guys can be civil and agree on everything and use one attorney it goes faster, it is usually easier on everyone and much, much cheaper.”

I told him it was up to him, you can come and we can do this together, (the words together stung a little) or you can go your own way.  I’ll respect your choice.

I showed up at 3:40.  I was fidgety.  I kept clicking my car key in and out of its box (the little switch blade looking box thingy).  I realized what I was doing and quickly put my keys in my purse as the receptionist glared at me.  I looked at her and apologized, saying, “I’m sorry I just am nervous”, she replied, “about what?” “I don’t know.  My stomach is in knots.”

At two minutes after 4 my heart sank.  I realized he wasn’t coming.   I don’t know if I wanted him to come or not….  I just remember feeling let down.  Again.  Just then her door opened and she smiled at me.  I stood up to walk in when the main door opened with my husband walked in.  He looked nice, but rushed.  He said I realize we have an appointment but I need two minutes to talk to (he paused), “my wife’.    That hurt.  don’t call me that at this appointment.  He grabbed my forearm and looked at her and said he promised it would only take two minutes.  He pulled me from the office out into the hallway professional building.  Across the hall and down a few doors was a bathroom.  He pushed the door open and pulled me in.  I remember saying “I’m not going in the mens bathroom”.   He pulled me in regardless.   The next two minutes flew by.  I felt like I was going to throw up.  Thank God there was a toilet near.  All I remember is him being on his knees sobbing, wrapped around my legs.  He wasn’t begging me to stay.  He wasn’t begging me to take him back.  He wasn’t asking anything.  He was sobbing.  The way I have never seen a man sob.   Making these heartbreaking statements. “I am such an idiot.  I have fucked everything up.  I need you.  I am moments away from losing my everything.  I have been so stupid.  Life is not a party.  I want my family.  I know I’ve said this before.  I know I keep saying it.  I’ve said it for years.  You have believed in me every time.  You have given me chance after chance.  I deserve nothing.  Please don’t do this.  Give me a month.  ONE month.  I will never ask for more time.   I will never apologize again.  Because I won’t need to.  I’ll do right by you and our kids.”    My pants were soaked from his tears.  My head was spinning.  I don’t even know how I remember what he said because it was echoing through my head.  I am sure he said more, because it seemed to take forever.  He got up grabbed paper towel and got it wet.  He washed his face.   He was all red and swollen.  My makeup was running.  I want this I do, I am terrified to be hurt yet again.   He reached into his back pocket and showed me the papers to the treatment center he signed up with. “I sold my gear, I quit the band, I signed up for treatment, I showed up to this appointment and I want to go home with you and stay home with you”  I remember I must have been looking at him like a bitch.

“YOU CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS TO ME.  YOU CAN’T.”   After his plea, that is what came out of my mouth and then I said the best thing.  I don’t know where it came from its like the words were just made available to me.

I will agree to 30 days.  30.  And only because if it gives you ANY chance to being clean I want to offer that help to you for YOUR KIDS.  I love you, I do, I never stopped loving you.  I love what we had.  But you changed.  I’m not going to lie, it is going to be hard because I need more.   I need to be loved, adored, cared about, hugged, desired, needed, wanted, touched, and most of all supported as a mom and wife.   I love what you and I had, I loved how I got butterflies when you came home from work.  I loved how we would talk all the time, and I don’t feel like I stopped any of that I just feel like you were gone.”

My phone rang just then and I looked at it, it was my attorney.  She giggled in the phone and said I am not rushing you but you two are not ready.  You have me until five, and that is your time and we can reschedule if you want, but I have to be honest, I think you should go home.  Process whatever is being said”, she said if I didn’t come back before five she’d know I went home and to call her to reschedule if I needed to.

I hung up.  He grabbed his  phone and pushed some numbers and handed me the phone.  He said ____________ wanted to talk to you, (his drummer).   His drummer gets on the phone.  They have been friends since middle school.   He said, “I wanted to tell you that your husband quit the band for good.  He said I’ve never seen a grown man cry but he knows whats important and he knows what he has to do.  He knows he can’t be around us at all, and I will help in anyway I can to help him have what he wants. I just wanted you to hear it from someone other than him that he quit.  He has never told US before that he quit and he did this time.  He loves you. He has been an idiot and I will help him.”

I am crying.  I am a mess.  I needed to leave.

I am going home.  I will think about all of this.  I didn’t hug him, didn’t kiss him didn’t anything. I grabbed a paper towel tried to fix my eyes, and went out the door.   I walked past the door to my attorney and pressed the button to the elevator, I just heard a quiet thank you as I passed her door.

I decided to keep my kids at my moms house for the night she said she’d keep them knowing my appointment would probably cause me to need a night.  I reached into my purse and took a Xanax.  I felt a panic attack coming on.    I look in the mirror to watch the tears fill my eyes and hanging from my mirror is the coin charm thing that I bought for HIM (my affair partner) for his birthday.  I rubbed the shinny silver.  I untied it and put it in in the zipper part of my purse.   I drove to the store, picked up something just for me for dinner, and got a bottle of wine.  I nearly called my girlfriend to come over, but decided I needed time to just me.  I never choose to be alone, EVER.  So this was odd for me.  I just didn’t want to sob to her all night she has to be getting sick of hearing about it.

I drove home.

I came in.  I poured a glass of wine and put the rest in the fridge.  I am not a drinker if I am not at some social activity but better a half of glass of wine than a mental break down at the nearest ER.

A knock at the door and it opens.  He looked at me and said “it is so weird.  I own this house with you and I don’t know if I should knock or just come in.”  I didn’t say anything.  He walked over to me and grabbed my glass of wine and dumped it in the sink.  My eyes shocked, and a little annoyed, he said “I don’t want any of that stuff in our house, I don’t want to be around any alcohol or drugs, I want this to work this time.”  I opened the fridge and pulled the cork on the bottle and dumped the entire thing down the drain.   I still not speaking, (because honestly I was terrified that it was going to backfire at any moment) threw the bottle in the trash. I stood at the sink and washed the glass and he stood behind me and put his arms around me.  I felt comforted and like my skin was crawling at the same time.  The next thing I know is I was in my bed having sex with my husband.  A man I had forgotten, and had not been touched by for nearly THREE years was making love to me.   We didn’t say anything the entire time, he just said, “a married man is making love to you.”

He made me dinner and stayed the night.  He made coffee this morning.  I called off work because like I said in the title, I feel like I am spinning.

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13 thoughts on “I feel like I am spinning.

  1. Wow! I don’t think I took a breath the whole time I read it. And I even teared up a little.

    He sounds genuine. Don’t fight your heart. You are strong enough at this point to be able to see it coming if he isn’t going to do right by you. Let it be what it is and go with it.

    And the fact that he took all of those steps to prove to you that he is willing and desperate, you should acknowledge his efforts and support him through it. I am an addict myself and for him to dump out your wine was a big step for him. If he is laying down the law and drawing the line, that sounds great.

    You may have heard this from him before, but from an outsider’s POV, he seems ready and determined to work on things at this point. He made a lot of steps he was probably afraid to take until now, when he realized he WAS going to lose it all.

    We’ll see how things are in 30 days. 😉

  2. I’m not quite sure why you are so upset. Isn’t he doing exactly what you said he needs to do? He’s quit the band. He’s going to rehab. He certainly sounds like he was sincere in that he wants to do better and save your marriage. He only asked for 30 days. I think it’s fair of you to give him 30 days. Honestly, what’s the risk in it for you anyway? You haven’t given him your full heart and attention anyway — in fact, you still love your OM more than you love your hubby, correct? So the risk for you is very small. Try and take a deep breath and realize that. If he can’t follow through on his promises, or sustain it, ok, then you go back to the lawyer.

    But, I must say this: If you’re heart isn’t completely in this. If you don’t REALLY want to be loved by him and only him, and to love him and only him, and really make this work — don’t bother. You’re wasting your time and his. You can’t just be a passive participant. If you really don’t think that this “does it” for you, then I think you should be honest with yourself and him and say, “honey, I think you do need rehab, but don’t quit the band. You love the band. We still need to divorce. My heart isn’t in it.”

    so please, be honest with yourself and him. What are the possibilities for you here? You’ll save everyone a lot of heartache and then you’ll be aimed in the right direction, whatever that is. I’m not judging you, mind you. You know I never have. Just giving you an outside perspective. I mean, there were women in my past I dumped and there wasn’t anything they could’ve done to change it. Too much had happened. or I just wasn’t “into” them. So ask yourself — can you have the kind of loving, monogamous relationship you want with this man?? Don’t waste his time or yours if you don’t think so.

    • I wouldn’t say I am upset. I am confused. He is doing what I wanted him to do all along, I just wanted him to do it on his own, not because I was asking for a divorce. Maybe this is what needed to happen, to wake him up. And don’t misunderstand. I do love him. I do. I have never stopped loving him. I was just so so so lonely. I wouldn’t say I love my OM more than my husband… I love them both. BUT the OM isn’t mine to love. THAT is what I have come to learn. I felt I did the right thing in telling my husband I had fallen in love with the OM, and that its hard getting over him because I was lonely. I needed someone. The OM was there for me. But isn’t now. So I am free to love whom ever now… I would love for that whomever to be my husband because I already love him, I do, I am just terrified in getting hurt. Again. And as far as my heart being in it, I can put my entire heart into it, I jus think its easy to fear doing so its been ripped from me so many times. It doesn’t mean my heart isn’t there, its just wrapped in fifty million layers of bubble wrap.

      • you have to take a risk. For 30 days. The payoff could be worth it. Yes, you always have to open yourself up to pain and hurt if you are going to love someone. if we keep ourselves safe, we miss out on love, not just hurt. Give the man a chance. if he fails, then you can walk away with your head held high. At least you tried. 🙂

      • and remember…you were the one who had the affair. You ripped him into a million pieces, yet he’s obviously forgiven you and given you a chance…can’t you do the same for him?

  3. That was heartbreaking, yet….inspiring. I will never have the strength to consider a reconciliation with my wife….things have just gone too far. But just the fact that you can give this another chance….give it one more go after all of the shit you have been through….maybe it tells me that I have never really known what love is truly about.
    I wish, hope and pray that this works for you, that you start posting about the small successes, the renewed love and trust, and finally that you are together again, you are a family and that you have found happiness in that.

  4. Reblogged this on A blogger in turmoil and commented:
    Having read this yesterday I am so confused and torn about my own situation.

    I spent the day with my boy yesterday and the one thing that struck me was how much he misses me and how this is affecting him. I’ve began to hate myself for it.

    The wife has been nicey nicey and that too is making it hard. I am seeing her in a different light and thinking about all the things I will be giving up. Like the husband said in the blog post; life’s not a party he wants his family. An adjustment of view that took me off guard and I’m still hurting.

    Its made me question hat I am doing; I’ve always thought I was doing the right thing as I think about the other girl all the time. I fantasize about her and desire her.

    That got me thinking is my “party” her and well the regret eat away at me?

    I am now contemplating telling her about my confused feelings… I know feel bad for everyone Luke if been playing them all but that’s not fair as the person I’ve been playing the most is myself!

    I think my wife thinks something might happen; I’ve never said anything other than its over yet I think she remains hopeful and that is hurting me somehow.

    I’ve told the other girl how much I want her and now I’m thinking about my old life again…what kind of sick fuck am I?

    Stringing all these people along..

    I keep thinking she has a bf now anyway so what should I care?! Although we’ve pretty much said in time we will give us a try…

    I’m pretty stressed out and really confused as you can see…..

    And I have a mountain of work to get through today and tomorrow on top of a dying relative…

    Logs off WordPress; twitter; email etc I need to get some work done…

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