Last night…

I went out dancing last night with my girlfriends.   We had a good time.  Before hand we went downtown and sat up ontop of a restaurant patio out side.  They had lights strung across their patio which over looked the city and the city traffic.  About a dozen limo’s must have gone by.  All stopping at the red light in front of the patio. The city lights would reflect down the side of the car, reflect off that perfect shinny limo new car paint.  Of course I know you know where this is going.  I am focusing on my relationship with my husband, but there are times he creeps into my head.  I try very, very hard to push him out of my thoughts.  Limo’s make that hard to do.  That would be like saying don’t think of ice-cream but we are going to set all the toppings, whip cream, bananas, cherries, chocolate and nuts RIGHT in front of you. My girlfriend looked at me and just grabbed my hand.  The only way I can explain the hurt is, it is like he died.  He was there and then he wasn’t.   But its worse than death b/c I can’t talk about it.  Its this big fat fucking secret that I am  so tired of holding in.  I want to tell family and friends that I am working on my marriage, trying really hard to save it.  I am putting my entire heart into saving it but that doesn’t mean you don’t miss what was so great for two years.

I came home and walked in.  My husband said he had a blast having the kids while I went out.  I smiled and said I’m glad.  He instantly asked what was wrong, (he didn’t doubt my where a bouts being that my girlfriends picked me up and brought me home) I said nothing, I’m just trying really hard to make this work.  And that wasn’t a lie.  I am trying REALLY, really hard to forget him and focus on my marriage.  It is what I want.

Oh and I didn’t dress like the picture, and I’m not blonde.  LOL.


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