I’m struggling so I haven’t been blogging. I don’t want to sound like a fumbling heartbroken HUMAN. Its all I can do to focus on my marriage. Its had its ups and downs. I am feeling a little overwhelmed. It is like hooks have been placed on my heart that are attached to huge tractors pulling in every direction. I want my husband. I want to be alone. I want to move and start over. I want to run away with the OM. It is emotionally exhausting. I am not going to lie. Being human is hard. Wanting the grass on both sides of the fence is harder. There are ups and downs on both sides clearly.
The married man:
I have not heard from him. I see on my linkedin account that he found work. My heart is relieved for him, that his family will be provided for again financially. That was a huge stress for me. It is probably hard to repair a marriage when NO ONE in the family is working. My heart broke thinking of her putting him down for his affair AND putting him down for being out of work on top of it. I just keep playing over and over in my head the way he looked in the restaurant when I ‘ran into’ his family. I’m sure she was yelling at him and riding his ass about all of our choices. Don’t get me wrong, I understand her being upset. She has every right to be. However, he originally had an affair because he didn’t feel like a man. He was constantly ‘yelled at’ and ‘put down’ by his wife as if he were a child. He said that didn’t start until they had kids that reached an age that she had to with that tone correct children. That tone started to be used on him and in ways that he wasn’t good enough or not doing enough. The same tone I heard for the year that our families hung out. She would talk normal to me and turn to him and talk down to him. It was heartbreaking. He always said he didn’t say anything back because it would start a HUGE argument. It was just sad to me.
Is trying. A lot of emotions are starting to surface. He missed a lot. Alone time is awkward. Time with the kids is rewarding. My kids have been on cloud nine. I am praying this all works out because I can’t put them through the hurt of him leaving again. I have noticed that my husband tends to leave quickly when things get tough. So we will see. One step at a time one foot in front of the other.
A wreck. A roller coaster. An emotional mess. I have feelings across the board. Are we ever happy? Are we ever satisfied? Are we ever content? I just feel happy for my kids, happy my husband is (for now) not on pills. I am happy that I am not alone. I am happy we are trying. But (help me here), I’m still sad. I don’t get it. I feel like the happiness and excitement and butterflies I felt when I talked to HIM, I will never find again. Maybe it comes back with time, and I know my husband is my choice, and really what I want, but that uncontrollable desire to be with someone all the time and be content with just conversation, and loving anything that is being said regardless if it is what you believe, that respecting ANY opinion even if it is not yours, is not there. I love my husband. I do. BUT, (and sadly there is a but), its just different. All of that hurt, all of that time, all of that crap that wasn’t dealt with has to be worked through. The only way I can think to describe it is all of the shit that happened, is like a cement block. That block has landed on the butterflies we felt in our relationship. Strings that attach to my heart (and the block) are holding the block up enough for the butterflies to breathe. They are not going to fly again until that cement block is dealt with. So we have started chipping away at the block. Let me tell you, it is long, tedious, exhausting, emotional and rewarding work. Again one step at a time and one foot in front of the other.