Letter to HER, (his wife). No, I’m not sending it, it’s just for therapy… (the letters my therapist ask me to write are so weird, but I guess its helping).

To the wife of the man that I fell in love with,

I know you are angry at me.  In fact I’m willing to bet angry doesn’t even begin to cover it.   I won’t apologize for my behavior, because I know you would only laugh, and thats okay but there are a couple things on my heart.

First and foremost I was a horrible friend.   My reasons to be friends with you in the beginning was to see your husband more… completely selfish.  However in that time, I grew to really like you.  Thinking often about my actions when I saw your loving side.   I just want to take a moment to tell you, (my place or not) why it may have been easy to do what he did.  I won’t tell you my reasons because I’m willing to bet you won’t/don’t care.

Your husband, (yes YOURS), feels very alone in his marriage.   He misses his family.  The family YOU have told him he can’t have a relationship with.  He understood in the beginning because of what happened on your wedding day, (yes I know what happened, and I am sorry that happened, that is sad).  HOWEVER, nothing is more important than family. NOTHING. And you have ripped this from him and threatened to leave with the kids if he even talks to them.  He cried to me over this.  HE has MUCH pain over this.  He is hurting.  He feels like you purposely want to be his one and only thing.  Selfishly.  He btw has seen his family and feels like he can’t share this information with you.  How sad to feel like you have to keep things from your wife to be able to have a relationship and keep your kids.

To call your husband a fat ass lazy bum in front of me and others, pushed him away just so you know.  And my heart broke for him when you said it.

He said you never do anything.   I watched for nearly a year and a half how true that was.  He did say you were an excellent mother, and you are.  But responsibilities of being a parent exceed being the fun hair braiding Halloween costume making mom.   I know you do more than that but that is how he felt.  We helped you move into your house… Tons of people helped and you sat on the floor in a bedroom upstairs while people moved your stuff into your house.  He was furious over that.  He was furious that you expected your deposit back on the old house but did nothing to help clean it or fix it for that landlord.  I went over there and helped, while you were posting pictures of the cool reversed braids you did in your daughters hair from your bed.

And lets not forget when you invited us over for dinner.   This is the night I knew your husbands heart was hurting.  He cooked dinner.  He made drinks.  He did dishes.  He took your youngest’s dad home.  He cleaned up.  He changed diapers.  He made your plate, brought it to you, filled your drink, took your dishes from you.  You never got up.  Ever.  You informed him every time you needed something.  Every time a child needed a diaper.  Dinner for 13 people, in your house, that you hosted, and you never helped.  Your husbands chin nearly hit the floor when I walked my plate to the sink.

So what started as a ‘yeah my marriage sucks to, my husband is addicted to pain killers and thinks he is a rockstar and never comes home’ conversation and just was conversation for six months, grew to much more because he didn’t feel loved, appreciated, needed, wanted or desired at home.  And when you add that to me feeling the same way things happen.  It took a long time… we didn’t just start making out.   We laughed a lot… cried often and missed the way we were listened to.  We missed how we used to be able to have conversations like this with our spouses.

He loves you.  He does.  He thinks you are a great mom.  You are.  I feel like I am a good mom and you blow me away.  You are so fun and so creative.  You don’t mind messes if it makes the kids smile.  I love that about you.  BUT your husband is hurting.  He is a person in that house.  He has an amazing heart and loves you very much.  That was always known by me.  I knew what you meant to him at all times.  But all the love in the world for someone doesn’t stop the hurting when you are not loved back.  THAT is what he wanted.  That is what he needed.  Routines take over, schedules are overwhelming, places to be and go consume us, you have to remember there is a man (and a wife) in the house that need time too.  Time for each other.  I know your needs were not being met either.  Its hard to want to meet the needs of someone who isn’t meeting yours….

I truly hope you can both fix your marriage.   I am sorry I stepped out of my appropriate place.  I just realized and really felt like people need to know that an affair isn’t just the cheaters faults.  Something caused them to be able to make and do those things.  A third person.    Apparently to have an affair there has to be at least three people.   I am sorry I was one of them.  It wasn’t a goal of mine to be ‘the other woman’.  Ever.


HER, the other woman.


11 thoughts on “Letter to HER, (his wife). No, I’m not sending it, it’s just for therapy… (the letters my therapist ask me to write are so weird, but I guess its helping).

      • Haha…guess I should have specified. Didn’t mean to make you almost lose your lunch.

        I have contemplated writing a letter “to” her on my blog…not sending it to her. She and I have had our words since D-day.

        I have just thought about writing a letter about letting go and forgiveness. I have kind of done this already, but feel like I need to revisit this. May r I should just read the old one again.

  1. OK, tell me to shut up if I’m bugging you now, LOL

    First, writing a letter like this is SO theraputic. As you read in my blog I recently did this. I won’t send it, I won’t have any future contact with my husbands AP. I did once and it did nothing but cause further pain because she did not accept any responsibility for her actions at all. But writing my letter? Felt amazing. Getting that anger and rage out…And in one form or another, I’ve said all those things to my own spouse as well. So I applaud you for getting these feelings out. It’s helpful, it’s freeing, it’s healing.

    Now, 2×4’s here. I realize there is a huge difference in my situation and yours. For one, your affair was long term where as my husbands was not. Secondly, you know your AP’s spouse, and I only saw my husbands AP once, I spoke to her on the phone once, and texted her a couple times. I did not know her personally at all.

    So I realise you have a personal view into her life, that I did not. However, I did want you to know that AP’s…lie. And I’m sure you know this, but I just wanted to remind you too. I’m sure what he told you was a version of the truth, that she didn’t do much, but I wonder if it was an exaggerated truth so he could gain sympathy from you too? He wanted you to see things from his persepctive? I’m sure if you saw things from his wife’s eyes, it would be completely different. And then??? There’s the actual truth which is something in the middle of both sides you know?

    So while I am sure he was lonely and in pain, she may have been too. You don’t know their most intimate (not talking sexual) moments, or if he ignored her or if they had emotional intimacy issues, or or or you know??? My husband painted me in a different light than what was true. Just as I’m sure when I talked to friends about our issues it was more to my perspective. However in therapy, we’ve both realized what the truth actually is, you know?

    Hang in there. I hear your pain…I can’t say I can understand your POV completely, but I can hear your pain.

    • first of all I am NOT going to tell you to shut up, I love your comments! I did find writing the letter helped. And I did know her on a personal letter and in all of that time, I didn’t ever see her do anything. Everything he said I watched with my own eyes. HOWEVER I don’t know if HE was doing more b/c I was there…. I feel like I didn’t lie to him about my situation though… my husband wasn’t here… but off and on. I don’t think either one of us made our spouses look bad we just said how it was bad and BOTH of us took part of the blame for that, we could have tried harder too! However he did complement her on a lot too… as I did my husbands efforts when he made them.

    • My husband lied to his AP – and the other women he chatted/sexted with. The biggest lie that he said was that our marriage was sexless; that we hadn’t had sex in over 3 months. That is far from the truth. I know that once a week isn’t anything to brag about, but it is much more to claim than 3 months without.

      I know he told these women these lies to seek pity and to make ME look more like the bad guy to take that negative attention away from him so that he could win them over. Because what woman would really be drawn to a man who would say that he really just isn’t getting it enough and he wants as much p—-y as he can get from whoever is willing to give it to him. I mean, what would that say about the women who went for it if that was the case.

      They were all desperate skanks anyways, but that’s not the point here. Affairs are nasty and no one wants to admit full truth to their part in the deterioration of the marriage….and no wayward wants to admit that part of their affair relationship was just them being used as a crutch. Affairs are horrible and everyone gets hurt, but I honestly believe that my relationship with my husband will come out MUCH stronger after all of this.

      And you will, too. 😉

  2. I will say that my husband didn’t talk about me much at all to his AP, other than to say we had grown apart due to my chronic illness over the past 4 years. We had, but, he failed to mention a lot of the why’s, and his part in that. But, that was one of the questions I asked him during one of our “table” sessions. He never talked badly about me. In fact, he didn’t talk about me at all. She however talked about her marriage and husband all.the.time.

    I read in Not “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass (Great book BTW, helped immensly with healing, good for both BS and WS) that some AP’s use their time to vent/bash their spouses. Other’s tend NOT to, and completely compartmentalize and keep it separate. Some know they love their spouses and don’t want to tarnish their spouses, oddly enough. It’s just very interesting how vastly different the mindsets can be with the WS.

    I mean even with my WS and his AP, they both had very very different reasons for being in the affair. She was very needy and sucking the life out of him. He was very giving (to her, not me at that time, which I’m still coming to terms with). So I’ve had to ask him, what exactly was she doing for you??? What did you get out of it? Seems that you were meeting her needs, but what did she meet for you? He got affection and admiration, but that was it. She was getting affection, appreciation, attention, emotional conversation (Which I craved badly, it’s one of my top needs), sympathy, empathy. She was getting so many needs met. Him? Not so much. And he didn’t realize that until I pointed it. She never asked him about him, his life, his wants, needs, desires, etc. She was the one always talking about herself. She wanted to be rescued.

    But my point is that even two AP’s can have very very different reasons for being in an affair.

    Anyway, My two favorite books that have helped me sort of understand the thought process are Not “Just Friends” and His Need, Her Needs by Willard Harley.

    • oh yeah I get what you are saying. My one and only friend that knew what was going on told me in the first six months when it was all talking and nothing physical, “You better be careful, emotional affairs are soooo much more damaging and hard to recover from than physical ones” and in a way I agree, I don’t miss the sex stuff. I don’t. I miss the conversation, the good mornings, the have a good nights. The stuff that seems to somehow be forgotten in a marriage. Well maybe not forgotten but in my case absent. He wasn’t here. Ever. I have two nights with the MM that I will never forget. Watching a grown man sob over the restrictions in his marriage keeping him from his family. Your spouse shouldn’t have pain like that. I didn’t understand. A grown man hurting so badly that he would cry and open up to a total stranger. Granted I wasn’t a stranger/stranger. I told him at that moment I knew I was in trouble. I had feelings for him and anger at her for hurting this perfect man. And there was a night when she flat out punched him and gave him a bloody nose. He could have called the cops, he could have handled it completely different, he chose to ONE time stand up to her and tell her to get her dinner plate herself and this is what she did. He said she had never been physical before. EVER. And he said he firmly told her if you ever do that again I will leave for good, and he told her he was leaving for the night so he didn’t handle it the way he wanted to. That was the only time I got a call from him on the weekend. I remember it like it was yesterday. I sat in my driveway with my kids napping and talked for hours with him as he drove saying he couldn’t decide what he wanted to do. He loved his kids so much to put them through all of this, but didn’t love her, that the respect and love was gone. Here was this man who I loved so much and his wife acted like this and my husband never came home. It was so hard NOT to want to comfort each other. I’m not justifying my behavior, I’m not, I just genuinely starting caring for him and months of talking obviously lead to more after those close emotional filled conversations occurred.

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