Just wondering…

When the awkwardness in my relationship with my husband is going to go away?  Sigh.  Its like a stranger lives with me sometimes, I mean he’s been gone so much.  For example…

When I get dressed and he walks in, I jump and cover myself as if a total stranger just walked in your room. He then tries to comfort me by giving me a hug and apologizing for making moments like this awkward, but who is like that with the man they are married to?  It is so hard to fix this and move on when things that would never happen in a marriage are happening.  Its hard to explain.  Its almost like wanting to be hiding behind a mask, or clothes or covering my most exposed self.

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4 thoughts on “Just wondering…

  1. For me, it wasn’t until we started finding emotional intimacy again. Until then?? It was very awkward. I didn’t want to even hold hands with him, cuddle while watching tv, etc. It just felt so fake, for lack of a better word. It was REALLY hard for a long time.

    Are you guys in marriage counseling? Are either of you in individual therapy? We’re in both. (He has to be, that was a requirement that I made for reconciliation, because he’s got PTSD, bipolar and personality disorder with narcissistic and obsessive compulsite traits as well as sex addiction). I’ve been in individual therapy on and off for 4 years though due to my stint with pain meds too. I can’t tell you enough how much that’s helped me. And though he was resistant to therapy at first, he’s finally letting those walls down, and it’s helping him too now. (He’s also on psychotropic meds now too).

    Something else that helped us was the book His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. The worksheet (in the back of thebook) was a real eye opener as well. In how we rated our own emotional needs, and how neither of us realized what the others needs were and how we mostly focused on our OWN needs. But once we started putting focus on the others? Then our own needs were met. That has been absolutely amazing.

    It takes time. I know that sucks, but it takes time. In addition to that, you’re still in mourning. And though it’s hard for a betrayed spouse to understand that??? It doesn’t make it any less so. It’s something I read/learned in the marriage builders books. WS do go through a mourning process. And I’ve read that last night in your blog. So you’re two-fold. You’re mouring your loss, regardless of the wrong doing, and you’re trying to get back the love and relationship with your spouse, and to tip it off, you have unresolved hurt in your marriage. The fact that he was gone for two years, his addiction, etc. That’s a lot to handle.

    I don’t know if you’re still doing this, since you did post about your table discussions, but you said in one post that your husband wanted to bury the past. He didn’t want to know about the affair because he said he knew enough, and he didn’t want you to discuss his addiction. And that rug sweeping, can be dangerous, because it doesn’t allow for true healing to happen. And that can make the awkwardness continue and the emotional intimacy stunted. I don’t know if you guys decided not to bury that since you are doing the table discussions, so…just something to think about.

    • We decided to do the table discussions because I couldn’t NOT talk about things. He just didn’t want to talk about things anywhere and everywhere and at any time, which I respected, you have to deal with them but not dwell on them. So we met in the middle. I wanted to talk all the time and he wanted to not talk at all, so we met in the middle with talking at the table like once a week… or more if needed, and never away from the table. OH and kids had to be in bed or away.

      • I’m glad to hear that. That’s what we do. Kids have to be away or in bed. We don’t discuss anything around them as it’s not fair to them. Hang in there.

  2. It’s the act of vulnerability that is hard to embrace. It means being open to being hurt again. Perhaps that is why it is so difficult to feel anything intensely right now…there’s a self preservation involved that is natural…I have to believe it will be gone with time…

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