Putting the shine back in my marriage…

…is proving to be hard to do.   I am trying though.  I am starting to have panic attacks.  I have only had one panic attack in my life, and I have had two in the last week.    This overwhelming feeling starts to occur and I feel like I can’t breathe.  I don’t know what starts them.  Its kind of like I feel smothered.  I wanted nothing more than him to be here for two years that is all I wanted, all I prayed for and now he is here and I feel horrible but I feel like someone has walked in my house and taken over my life.   I know it is just something that is going to take getting used to.  I need to get off of my ‘do it all, control freak, OCD consumed, high horse’ and just accept the help, accept the love.  He loves me.  I feel like such an idiot.  I said in sickness and health and addiction is a sickness.  I should have been more supportive no matter how long it took.  I just kept telling myself that two years is a long time to wait for someone to change.  I was so lonely.    I still don’t feel the butterflies though.  I pray to God they are still there, because yes, I love him, (I DO), I just can’t love with out the butterfly effect.  I need to feel that feeling I felt for nearly two years with the MM.  I realized I had never felt that excitement in a relationship before and I am TERRIFIED I will never feel it again.  I’m trying not to sound like I’m throwing myself a pity party.   I want my marriage to work.  I choose my husband.  I choose to make it right.  And dammit, I will swallow butterflies if that is what it is going to take to start it off.    I don’t’ feel like I am settling I just know now, what I want it to feel like, what it should feel like.

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2 thoughts on “Putting the shine back in my marriage…

  1. YES. Wait for the butterflies dammit. They’re coming. Right? When they do, they will be worth having waded through all this shit to get to. I can’t live without the butterflies.

  2. Oh the butterflies!! me and MM talk about them quite frequently. I have a feeling I will never feel them again for the rest of my life when this all ends. I’m more likely gong to feel lifeless and empty. I wouldn’t even know how to start to get them back with the hubby. If ya figure it out let me know!

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