…is proving to be hard to do. I am trying though. I am starting to have panic attacks. I have only had one panic attack in my life, and I have had two in the last week. This overwhelming feeling starts to occur and I feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t know what starts them. Its kind of like I feel smothered. I wanted nothing more than him to be here for two years that is all I wanted, all I prayed for and now he is here and I feel horrible but I feel like someone has walked in my house and taken over my life. I know it is just something that is going to take getting used to. I need to get off of my ‘do it all, control freak, OCD consumed, high horse’ and just accept the help, accept the love. He loves me. I feel like such an idiot. I said in sickness and health and addiction is a sickness. I should have been more supportive no matter how long it took. I just kept telling myself that two years is a long time to wait for someone to change. I was so lonely. I still don’t feel the butterflies though. I pray to God they are still there, because yes, I love him, (I DO), I just can’t love with out the butterfly effect. I need to feel that feeling I felt for nearly two years with the MM. I realized I had never felt that excitement in a relationship before and I am TERRIFIED I will never feel it again. I’m trying not to sound like I’m throwing myself a pity party. I want my marriage to work. I choose my husband. I choose to make it right. And dammit, I will swallow butterflies if that is what it is going to take to start it off. I don’t’ feel like I am settling I just know now, what I want it to feel like, what it should feel like.