You know, this isn’t the first time my heart has broken. My grandmother was my world. I would say its safe to say she was more my mom than my grandmother. I was closer to her than I EVER was my mom. Don’t get me wrong I love my mom but I was always at my grandma’s house when I was a kid and I lived with her when I was a teenager. When my kids were born I took care of her. Her favorite color was yellow. She passed away one month before I met HIM. I felt so alone when she died. My husband wasn’t around when I was grieving her death. So it just seemed like I was rock bottom. I had an out of control teenager, (WAY out of control), my husband wanted to be out and about living his rock star dream and not coming home, I was lonely, my grandma died, and I just wanted to be happy. I wanted to be held. Be told it was going to be okay. Smile about something, anything. I don’t think I would have ever had an affair if my husband would have been here, and home for me. I don’t. I loved being married. I loved what we had. I loved what my vows meant. I loved our life. Its just odd to me how him being on drugs, him stealing from me, his lies, him being gone and me feeling alone and taken advantage off will change what someone will do to feel loved. I didn’t have my grandma to run to anymore. I ran to her because she always made life seem so simple. She’d give me these encouraging word… words that somehow made anything seem not so bad. She’d tell me stories of bad times, and long term how they got through them. She amazed me. Her ability to always stay positive amazed me. I was sitting outside today and a yellow butterfly landed on the footstool of my patio furniture. Yellow butterflies always remind me of her. They are so light and bouncy and have this ‘fluttery-personality’ that seems happy and positive. I sat there with my coffee and watched it slowly open and close its wings in the sunshine. I know this sounds sappy, but it was huge to me. I needed to see that.
I don’t know what she would tell me to do right now. She always told me to keep my teen busy because if I didn’t they would find drugs. She told me always how proud she was of me that drugs never crossed my life path. I wonder what she would think about my husbands choices…. what she’d say about him blaming my oldest child for taking my pills. She is the most understanding, most forgiving woman I know… I wonder what she’d say. I wonder what she’d say about my affair. She knew my heart more than anyone. I never told her what was going on in my marriage because I didn’t want her to worry about me. I think my grandpa worried about me being a teenager and the stupid stuff I was doing at 17 to the point he had a stroke. I never wanted to worry her. So I painted my life like it was good. Like I was happy. I know this post probably isn’t EXCITING lol but I needed to write what was on my mind and today its her. I know she’d probably encourage me to fix my marriage. She was a Godly woman and took her vows to God very seriously. She would have probably told me that my husband was sick. And he was. But how long do we wait for our partners to wake up… before or after they have distorted our lives, and the lives of our kids… so I just let him go… “go do your thing”…. I just wanted to be happy. Feel loved. Feel needed. Feel desired. And HE did just that. Perfectly.
P.S. I want to know what flowers butterflies (especially yellow ones lol) like… I need a BUNCH of what ever flowers those are in my yard! 🙂