Been there, done that….

 

I bought the book, “What Really Happened”.  It is written by R. Hunter who was John Edwards mistress.   I am two chapters in and have so many thoughts.   I don’t know how on day one someone can walk into a total strangers hotel room and just be okay with doing that.  I will never forget how awkward it was to meet HIM for the first time and we had TALKED everyday for six months!  We knew TONS about each other… and even the first SEVERAL times we met we NEVER did anything… we just talked in person.   I loved it.. in no way did I ever feel awkward or rushed.  One night, talking in his limo ‘more just happened’, making out and kissing, (no sex still).  The sex thing we talked about for a long time.  Not knowing if we could ‘go’ there.   We both understood.   We didn’t push it we respected each other.

I am so excited to keep reading this book.  HIM and I talked about John Edwards and Ms. Hunter back when our affair had just got off the ground… I told HIM that I never understood people who could have or did have affairs, until I had one.   I understand now being so unhappy at home, being so alone and falling in love head over heels for someone regardless of their situation.   HE said he understood that now too.   You fall in love with who you fall in love with.  What you are supposed to do is not put yourself in a situation to fall in love when you are not free to do so.   Hindsight right?  Well it is what it is.  I won’t ever regret HIM or what we did, I don’t ..  I just regret parts of it.  Not ending my marriage first, being friends with his wife, and letting our kids become close… that frankly was shitty.  Thing was I had no idea her and I would be such great friends and our kids would hit it off… I just thought I’d see him at our kids’ activities once a week.  Yeah, it exploded.

I am so pissed.

I can’t even focus.  I called in help today with work because I am having a hard time getting around.   When I am mad I am known to ‘power clean’ and organize.  Jokingly my husband always said if the house is clean, that is because his wife has OCD, if it smells of bleach and Pine Sol, someone is in the dog house!  Thing is I can’t move around very well because of my ankle.   However I am walking through the pain b/c I am too pissed to just sit there and do nothing.  I am acting as if I am fine because I don’t want his help.  I want nothing from him.  I am so mad.

I feel like I am dealing with a teenager.

I feel like I am part of the problem being that I have migraines.

I feel like I have made his problem worse.

I feel like this is the best it will ever be.

Please know I am not looking for encouragement and reassurance to my worth and my marriage… I am just feeling down today because I was right… again.

I don’t understand. I don’t.

 

I don’t understand why he pings into my life one day before my world hits rock bottom.

I told you that Friday he sent me a message asking me to get online.  I ignored it.

Saturday I went to a dear friend of mine’s birthday.

She went into the house and came out with a HUGE water gun and went after all of us.  I went running across her yard and stepped in a hole and rolled my ankle.

I left the party.  I couldn’t even walk.  My husband was a huge help, but he looked worried.  I assumed it was because I hurt my ankle.

I knew it wasn’t broke, so I didn’t go to the ER.   I’ve done this before and since I’ve done it once, its easy to redo it because the tendons and muscles are weak from doing it before.

The pain got too bad.

I got up to get my prescription pain pills and they are both over half gone.

My husband just started crying.

I am so hurt. Devastated.  Angry.  Pissed.   Mostly at myself because I had been locking them up, helping him not to fail but when we went to our cabin I took them out and with us. Because I get really bad headaches at the elevation of our cabin.  I think he knew that.

So in a weeks time, this weekend to last, he took 30 percosets and 29 Dilaudid’s. (SP).

I give up.   I don’t know anymore what I am supposed to do.

I want to be more important to my husband than pills.   I just don’t understand addiction.  We made it past the 30 days that my husband wanted to try, and I feel further back than day one of starting over.

Emotions, all mixed up make emotional.

So I have fifty million things on my mind and don’t even know where to start.

CARNIVAL

There is a carnival here. The kids saw it.  My husband wants to do it with the family.  My kids lit up hearing ‘Maybe we can do that Friday night or Saturday’.  Great right?  Wrong!  What is the problem with this?  Ummmm THEY (HIS family) loves crap like this, state fairs, county fairs, Carnivals, (remember I put my kids in 4H with theirs?), so they LOVE this kind of stuff.  What are the chances of running into them?  Well the carnival is here for two weekends,  so right there is a 50% chance, AND the carnival is two minutes from their house.  Seriously.  Am I going to enjoy myself?  Probably not.

A friend of mine having an affair and how I feel about it.

This has me so stressed out.  I understand.  I do.  I’ve been there done that.  I know the outcome.  It isn’t pretty, it never is and guess what?  I was right.   Thing is I can’t talk to her about it because I am not supposed to know.  But I know because a mutual friend told me… the ONE mutual friend that knows about my affair, so I am figuring that this affair having friend knows about my affair because apparently my other friend has a loud mouth.  Which pisses me off but makes me glad I didn’t share *EVERYTHING* with her.

So why does this bug me so much?  Because she has the life we all want.  The huge perfect home, the huge beautiful family, the amazing husband, the adoption process occurring in addition to the two kids they have because it felt like the right thing to do, (please gag me now).  I know, I know, marriage and life might look good on the outside but anything could be going on on the inside.   Lets get to the real issue.

My daughter and her daughter are best friends.

She called me and asked if our girls could have a play date at her house.   I said yes and she said she’d pick my daughter up.  She gets to my house to pick up my daughter and my 12 year old is on the couch.   She asked my 12 year old if she wanted to come too.  My 12 year old LOVES my girlfriend.  I am kind of a tomboy and into sports and my girlfriend is the ultimate girly girl.   Skirts, makeup, hair, nails…. and my 12 year old LOVES it.  So my 12 year old says yes, she’d love to go.   Well they stay the day and spend the night and come home the next day.

Come to find out my 12 year old ‘accidentally mentions’ that my friend had her babysit for THREE hours, (five kids counting herself) my girlfriends three and my two for three hours.   Well I was mad because I do NOT let my 12 year old babysit or stay home alone.  I know she is of age but I don’t do it. If I let my daughter babysit, it is only my seven year old and it is only to run to the store or something quick, and I always take the my four year old with me.  She left my daughter in charge of two seven year olds, a three year old and a FOSTER 8 month old for THREE hours.  Well I was mad and trying to figure out how to talk to her about it without being too emotional and causing her to become defensive, (because she is like that) and I didn’t want to affect our kids.  My moms suggestion was not to let my 12 year old go over again, to keep that from happening, but I didn’t want to do that to my daughter.  So I figured I would write a letter to her.  YES I write letters for everything.  That is just me.

Well later that night my other friend, (the one that knows about my affair and this friend I am talking about) had a birthday.  We were all supposed to go out to celebrate.  Well they come to pick me up and I get in the car to only my girlfriend the one having the birthday.  I asked where the affair having friend was.  My friend responded with, OH she is too emotional she said to come because yesterday she was seeing HIM and HIS wife came home and caught them.  Was I shocked about what she had just said?  NO!  I was pissed because YESTERDAY she had my kids and that is what my 12 year old was babysitting for her to go do?  Fuck some guy?  I was pissed.   I just kept my mouth shut.

I am not going to judge you for having an affair, like I said, I’ve been there done that and I am not about to call the kettle black, however don’t fucking use my kids to entertain yours and babysit so you can go do it.  I am so angry about this. And she didn’t pay my daughter, (which its not about money) its about you asked a 12 year old to babysit your three kids and didn’t pay her!   I have to stop writing about this it is just making me more angry.

Last but not least a message from Meebo/google

“Meebo is retiring.  Please go into your archived messages and retrieve them and save them to a document if you would like to keep them”

Shit.  I didn’t even know Meebo archived conversations.  All of them.  Months and months of him.  Flooded onto light blue pages.  Sigh.  I am overwhelmed.

I have to stop here for now, there is so much I just can’t even deal right now.

Goodbye, wow I’ve come a long way in healing.

Dear the other man that I love,

I wanted to tell you goodbye.   I no longer cry myself to sleep.   I no longer leave a room to cry behind a closed door.   I no longer cry when a limo drives by.   I no longer sob when I drive by ‘our hotel’.

What I do however, is remember you.  It brings a smile to my face now.    You taught me a lot about myself.  You saved my marriage.

I just felt like I wanted to write you a letter.

I am not mad about you telling your wife.  I think things come out when they need to.  It was probably on your heart the entire time to share with her what you were feeling guilty about.  I hope you two can get back to where you were in the very beginning now that big stressors are gone, like new homes, court situations, unemployment, (I am glad you are working again btw).  I hope the biggest stressor, infidelity can be worked through.

I will never regret you.  I may regret the ‘way’ we went about doing things.   Thank you for letting into your heart, if only for a short time.  Thank you for showing me a side of you that you show so few.  Thank you for the HOURS and HOURS of heart felt conversation we shared.   Thank you for making me realize what I deserve in life.   Thank you for the best hugs.  Thank you for all the memories. Every single meeting and conversation was amazing.  Every topic, every joke, every moment.  Even the things that when I see or hear will always make me think of you.

I realize how much being happy with you got me through that year and a half.  My grandma dying, all the court stuff with her will, my marriage, my oldest’s behavior,  my marriage,  life in general, getting my new car, and did I happen to mention my marriage?  😀

Thank you for the love, the kindness, the companionship, the conversations and most of all the memories, because those will never go away.

I will always have a place for you in my heart.  Always.

Sincerely,

-Me.

P.S.   limos, the moon, certain songs, baseball games, black ties, valentines day, certain hotels, your smile, your soudless dance, red rocks, country clubs, using tortillas as napkins, the ping of an email or text message or yahoo chat, the statement keeping you, throwing cold water on you in the shower, your smell, your hugs, your cold hands, all of it, will forever be burned into my memory and heart.

Take care, do right, love your family and adore your wife.  XOXO,   Ti amo, e io non ti dimenticherò mai. Mai.