I think the saying is, “I’M A HOT MESS”. I feel every emotion possible tonight. Every. Single. One. My husband left today and I miss him. Yet I like the space. I am alone in my bed… which is weird. It was like this for so long. My husband and I skyped for awhile which was fun, the kids got a kick out of it. Then it hit me. Total sadness. AND GET THIS, not because my husband was gone. It was these two little letters under contacts on Skype. 😦 Instantly tears filled my eyes. My husband asked instantly if I was okay. He promised he wasn’t going to do anything, and didn’t like being away. I smiled and said I know, when in all reality, it was the initials of HIM that caught me off guard. The last time I used Skype was with HIM. And wouldn’t you know it that Skype keeps record (HISTORY) of all your chats. All our chats were typed b/c he couldn’t talk and listen to me at his work, so we would watch each other and type. So pages and pages of chat history. Who would read that and torture themselves? UMMM yeah that would be me. I deleted each one but of course not until I read each one. I was so happy back then. I am happy now but it is different. My mood/typing/personality was completely different. Completely up. I feel like my heart has been re opened and it is totally my fault. I didn’t know Skype kept history. It was like it pulled me in… I couldn’t just click on ‘delete history’… I had to read…. Had to cry. I guess its just more closure. One day at a time right? I loved him. I love him. I will never forget him. He was amazing to me. He treated me perfectly. He never lied to me, never stole from me, never disrespected me, never made me feel like ‘the other woman’ never stood me up, never made me feel second. Oh yeah, and he was never mine to love. Mine or not I did just that, I loved him. I’m happy, I feel like I’m getting closer to moving fully on. I’m sad, I miss things. I am content, happy with my husband, and yes I love him. I am scared, that my husband will mess up and use on this trip… I am at peace because he is with his boss, I am lonely, I’m sleeping alone, I’m frustrated with myself for reading the skype. I am mad that he told his wife. I wonder if he has regretted telling her about us? I am exhausted because I can’t sleep and haven’t slept for the last several months. And I get to like 11 pm and my mind starts racing. Oh and it didn’t help that HIS profile pic shows him very much thinner which makes me worry. Is he thin b/c he is unhappy? Busy? Working? Why the fuck do I do this to myself. I love that shirt. I remember unbuttoning that shirt… in the back of a limo… after I took off that tie of course…. Its so very hard to forget… especially when a piece of your heart doesn’t want to.
So when I said I was feeling every emotion, and a hot mess, I meant it. Here is the thing I realized. You can fully love someone, (my husband) with your heart healing from loving (and still loving) another. I am proof of that!