And just like that I know what it is.

I know what it is that bugs me about my husband and what attracted me to HIM.   OMG It hit me like a ten ton sack last night!  Its that my husband is so negative about everything and HE was so optimistic and positive!   I skyped my husband last night and everything out of his mouth was negative.  Who was there, who was working, the food was greasy, his card didn’t work, the guys do sloppy work, the beds are uncomfortable… I could go on and on.  Part of me for a second thought maybe he just didn’t want me to think he was having too much fun or liking being away… BUT I thought about it.  Its all the time.   Everyday.  Negitive.  Pesimistst. And its bad its not his glass is half full, its damn near empty.   It makes me crazy!  Focus on the good…

HE‘ was always up, happy, dancing, smiling, encouraging, positive, optimistic, and just up beat in general.  I realized it was that he lifted my mood.  Lifted my spirits.  Made me feel good.  It just made me feel good.  It made me happy, and it made me look on the brighter side of things….

I just realized in a thirty minute conversation with my husband that I felt negative and grumpy and annoyed by the time I got off the internet call.   I finally said you are super negative and grumpy.  The situation isn’t the best but you are employed and WORKING.  You are blessed to have a job!  You are blessed to have a bed to sleep in some people don’t!   I told him that he has been very negative lately and I don’t want to be around that.  I don’t know why but that attitude is spread  like a disease and I don’t want any part of it.   Snap out of it.    He looked like I slapped him.  😦

For example when I decided I wanted to go to school to get my pilots license was during my affair.

My husbands response was: “Wow, um don’t you think that is kind of dangerous?  A little selfish to want to do such a ‘high risk’ job when you are a mom and should be thinking of others before yourself?”  (YES I WAS PISSED, HURT, ANGRY, ANNOYED, DEVISTATED, you name it, but he didn’t live here and that is how it was then).

And then HIS response was:  “That is so neat and exciting!  You can fly me places, we can join the mile high club LOL, if you can do that while flying!  Where are you going to school?  How long will it take you?  What made you want to do this?”

It was the total opposite.  Encouraging and Empowering.  That is how HE made me feel.  THAT is what I miss.  I miss being happy and carefree even with the normal stresses of life.  The debbie downer is drowning me.   I’m trying to swim, trying to stay positive but the bricks my husband is applying to my feet are making it super hard to stay afloat.  So all I can think to do is call my husband out on it each and every time.  I want my husband, I love my husband but I can’t be brought down every day.  Its exhausting.   So I am going to be super encouraging, and lead by example…  and pray that it works.  Because honestly I don’t know that I can be in a constant negative environment every single day.  Maybe its his age… maybe it is a midlife crisis.  Who knows… all I see is the pattern starting again and I am terrified.   It goes like this:

Super happy, calm, content, down, depressed, negative, absent, drugs, drinking, GONE, occasional calls, more frequent calls, apologies, forgiveness, repeat.

Super happy, calm, content, down, depressed, negative, absent, drugs, drinking, GONE, occasional calls, more frequent calls, apologies, forgiveness, repeat.

Super happy, calm, content, down, depressed, negative, absent, drugs, drinking, GONE, occasional calls, more frequent calls, apologies, forgiveness, repeat.

Super happy, calm, content, down, depressed, negative, absent, drugs, drinking, GONE, occasional calls, more frequent calls, apologies, forgiveness, repeat.

I want off the ride.  I don’t have unrealistic expectations.  I don’t expect to be married to “MR. FING HAPPY AND POSITIVE’ all the time, no one is happy ‘ALL’ the time, but I need some up.  I just realize it like a magnet pulls me into a shitty mood.

So I will continue to remind myself:  Lead by example, lead by example, lead by example….  So like the picture, I will force his arm up to hold the umbrella to keep the rain from him, I just hope he learns before my arm gets tired.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “And just like that I know what it is.

  1. I read this and I understand everything you are saying; I see what your husband is doing as I did and have done it myself in my marriage.

    Its sad that I don’t see the good side of everyday things the way I did when I was with her.

    This makes me feel really bad about how I have made my wife feel all this time…

  2. My intentions were not to make you feel bad 😦 but it is how my husband makes me feel… it made me need to find happy. I needed to feel something other than down. I didn’t want my way to feel happy to be medication from my doctor… I wasn’t going to accept that I was depressed… Something was CAUSING me to be depressed. It was like night and day like a switch when just someone happy was put into my life.
    However I didn’t expect him to be happy all the time, no one is, that is an unrealistic expectation. I am not happy all the time… marriage is ups and downs, I just can’t handle down all the time, its not fair….

  3. I totally get this, and sympathize with how hard it must be for you. But you’ve got the right plan in place…keep working at it, and don’t let him get away without counting his blessings!!

  4. So much of this resonates with me. My husband was like this CONSTANTLY. I was always living life feeling like he was bringing me down every single day.

    When we entered therapy, our therapist after a couple months picked up on some cue’s and suggested that he be assessed by a phychologist. It was the best thing we’ve ever done. I honestly can’t believe the change.

    He was diagnosed with mild bipolar disorder (cyclothymia) and personality disorder with obsessive compulsive and narcissistic traits (along with PTSD due to combat time and 9/11 working in the pentagon). He also had an addiction, but his is sex addiction. Typically those with BPD self medicate somehow. Though, it never works. He’s now on two medications and it is LIFE CHANGING. He’s on Effexor and Welbutrin and it’s like the skies have opened up and the sun has come through.

    I’m not saying this is your husband, but, it’s like reading a textbook of my husband.

    • INTERESTING. Your husband was down, and dealing with addictions. Hmmmm I need to look into that. I realized how similar they must have been when you typed, “its like reading a textbook of my husband.”

      • I mean it may not be bipolar, it could be nothing, or it could be a number of things. But…knowing how much you love him, it’s worth looking in to, you know? I’ve said to my husband many times, sinec he started the meds, that seems so HAPPY now. Content. He’s so much more engaged with LIFE. And it’s just so nice. He’s the person I always knew he WANTED to be.

  5. It’s very dangerous to compare your spouse to your lover. Really it is. Because you never had to live with your lover, and deal with the day to day stuff. And the allure of the lover is that they seem to possess all the qualities that your spouse doesn’t. It’s the draw to them.

    That being said, look a bit closer at hubby. You may find that he has qualities that you’re overlooking.

    The last part is the best part of your blog. Lead by example. Absolutely. You can’t change anyone — really you can’t — but you can help your significant other become the best person they can be.

    • I’m not meaning to compare them, I’m just saying how very different they are in THAT area…. I couldn’t figure out if now that my husband is so loving and trying so hard and HERE (physically present), why am I still so down and I realized it was this… the constant negative… so we are going to work on it. 🙂 Now that I’ve been drawing attention to it he is seeing it. He did say that when you think about it you realize how negative you are and how it kind of brings down your attitude! YAY!

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s