So my husband comes home tonight but only for three days and then he is gone again Sunday afternoon for another week. I do miss him. I’m glad he has been so strong and hasn’t done anything that could cause us to go spiraling down again. His boss thinks this job could last a month and a half with him only being home Friday-Sunday mid days until the job is done. Last night I was a little sad, I had to work until 7, and then feed the kids, and then I had to go to the store and I didn’t get home until 9:30. While I was in Target shopping I didn’t get his call, (I never have reception in Target). I came out to a voicemail that said, I worked really hard today and this was day three of ten hour days and I am exhausted, I don’t know what you are out and about doing but I love you and miss you but I have to go to bed I’m exhausted. It was crazy. I was almost home and crying over a stupid voicemail. I was mad I missed his call. I was hurt that he wouldn’t wait to talk to me… he never goes to bed before ten. I was upset, I am tired too. I was fearful that he was doing something else because going to bed before ten by him is unheard of. I was angry at myself for doubting him. I was scared he was falling. I had feelings of questioning him that he wasn’t being honest.
It makes me wonder how long these insecure feelings are going to last. Can he not be tired before ten? Can he not just tell me goodnight and that he loves me and me be okay with that? Why do I doubt him before believing him? Why can’t the feelings of trust and understanding hit first? I can’t believe how much him lying and stealing from me and leaving off and on and then for nearly two years can scar you. Place thoughts in your head.
I looked at my phone and realized he had left the message 9 minutes early. Surly he couldn’t be in bed. I decided to call plus the kids wanted to say goodnight. So I did. He answered. I explained I got your voicemail but I still wanted to tell you goodnight and let the kids tell you too, I was in Target and I never have reception there.
He sounded tired.
He sounded down.
He sounded like its a good thing he is coming home tomorrow night…
The kids talked to him, I talked to him, and I felt better after. He asked me what was wrong and I was honest, I told him everything I mentioned above. He was understanding. He said he has done ceilings for three days and to look up on ladders and scaffolding, all day and work above your head is hard work. He said that he didn’t realize how working ten hour days instead of eight hour days, (so these guys can be home on Friday’s with their families) would take it out of him. He said it is crazy at just how two more hours a day can kick your butt.
I felt better.
I got the kids to bed, cleaned up the kitchen and decided to clean the bathroom. Crazy storms happened here last night we even had tornado sirens. I was about to take the kids into the basement when they stopped. The thunder, lightning and hail was like nothing I’d ever seen! It was crazy! A crazy end to a crazy day. I was just about asleep when I got a text from him.
“Got up to get a drink. Just wanted you to know how badly I can’t wait to be home tomorrow night. I want to make love to you. I actually am missing doing just that.”
I felt for the first time in a long time, loved.
I fell asleep to pouring rain and lightning lighting up my room. Wishing the other half of my bed wasn’t empty.