Okay so a bunch of people have asked….

YES I will answer questions about my affair and my marriage… nothing is off limits other than names and locations… so this is your chance… ask anything.  Last time I did this no one asked anything… after asking me if they could ask me some questions…   So I will try again.  What would you like to know?  About affairs, about emotions linked to affairs, about my marriage about sex on my marriage side or affair side.. about being the other woman… about the married man I had an affair with? About his wife?  Anything, ask away…

Make your comment your question….


38 thoughts on “Okay so a bunch of people have asked….

  1. Why did you fall in love with your husband in the first place?
    Are you always honest with your husband?
    Are you happy the way your life is now?
    What actually happen or can you direct me to blog where you talk about how did the affair ended?
    Are you currently having sex with you husband?
    What do you think will take for you marriage to get back on it’s feet and I mean from your part?
    You being through alot why don’t you gives yourself some credit, knowing you have done the best that you can with what you got given?
    Do you have many friends? (I hope that doesnt judgemental because I actually dont have many friends at all)

    I was friends with his sister. I watched him chase after and try to tame, (for lack of better words) his daughters mom. I admired how into a relationship he wanted to be. She was all over the place. Off and on drugs, wanting to play house but not wanting commitment. He was so caring and affectionate, and attentive to her feelings. I heard him comment her often. She didn’t care. She was dating several people and he never could ‘catch her interest enough’. Which is sad because they did have a child together. He just wanted them to be a family. Well after my divorce from my first husband I needed help moving out. My best friend, (his sister) asked if he could help me move out.. I needed two men (for furniture and only had one) he agreed. We kind of knew each other anyway through her. He helped and asked me out on a double date with his sister and her husband one night and we just hit it off. I longed for the affection he wanted to give, and he wanted someone to accept it… it took about two years but we fell in love.

    I think I am always honest with my husband with what I choose to tell him. I wouldn’t say I keep secrets but I don’t lie. If he asked me anything I would tell him… I don’t purposely keep anything from him. But I don’t come right out and tell him every thought or feeling I am having.

    Yes and no. Yes its getting better, no because we are not where we were in the beginning and at times our relationship is awkward now… we will get through it but sometimes different is scary!!!!

    I blogged about it and deleted it I think.. because I can’t find it. Long (LONG) story short, he had a big fight with her on a Sunday. She kept asking him if he had something going on on the side and asking if he was attracted to me… well in this fight I guess she wouldn’t stop. He told her everything from what she said on my facebook.
    She on Monday morning posted to my Facebook that I had an affair with her husband for all 278 of my friends and family to see. I was heartbroken. I told my mom I was very sick and she took my kids for three days. I canceled work and didn’t get out of bed. I was devastated. From October to December we talked here and there through email but I had never seen him again since October. From October through March I did nothing but cry and lose easily 30 lbs. My everyday normal that occurred for nearly two years was suddenly gone. Gone. Like a death… and I couldn’t tell anyone… I cried behind closed doors and it was the absolute worst pain I have ever felt.

    Yes, and it is good and bad. Good because that was a hard step… (remember the therapy day after I said I’d give him 30 days to prove to me he was serious?) it was kind of like I was there but I wasn’t, and I was super uncomfortable naked in front of him.. it was weird… like having sex with an old friend that you haven’t seen for years but care very much for… its hard to explain. It has gotten better… we are working on it.

    ? this question confuses me so I will answer it both ways… on my part as what I need to do or on my part as in what I need to happen?
    #1 TRUST either way.
    #2 Time to heal our marriage
    #3 Time to forget how HE was to me- HE was much different than my husband… and I miss a lot of the way HE was. But regardless if we are together I have to forget and move on and I am trying to.. .it doesn’t just happen it takes time.
    #4 I need my anxiety of him slipping to be calmed. I am so scared and waiting to see that my mind is right and he is going to up and leave again because drugs are more powerful than I.

    we all lack at patting ourselves on the back. I still see the girl who gave up on her husband. I see the girl who said in sickness and in health and addiction is a sickness. I still see the girl that is terrified to be thrown back to an empty bed because a high and a guitar feels better in his arms than me.
    I will give myself credit in the area of trying to move on from HIM. Because hands down it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Especially when I see them (his family out to eat) and he looks so tired and beat down and she yelled at him and insulted him the entire time. It is horribly hard to do and I think I am doing pretty well…
    as far as giving myself credit with my husband… I’m terrified to breathe yet.

    I do have a lot of friends. I am a very social person but I only have two friends that know my story. And BOTH of them don’t know the entire story… only the parts I was comfortable in sharing. Part of me wishes I could talk to them… but I will loose it. I will break. Because if I speak of Him I truly might have a nervous break down because they will in a heartbeat see that I loved him. And that it wasn’t just talking and communication and emotional…


    • Thank you for being so honest, I love the way you answered your question and I don’t know why but some part of me really cares for what you go through and I am always in the look out for your post.
      I think you are doing really well and I admire you so much for just taking every day and I know you only see the bad but I only see the good and I hope and I really wish the was something I could possibly say that will just make it all easier for you. Just know that I care and that I am listening (reading) to every word you wish to share.

    • wow. that is a loaded question, and one that brings up a LOT of emotions.
      I will honestly answer both and for different reasons. My sex life with my husband is amazing because we have known each other for eight years. He knows me, he knows my body he knows what I like and I feel like I can tell him what to do or what to try and the same for me… I know him I know what he likes… its just that familiarity… you know???
      However sex with HIM was good too. I was more aroused with him than I ever had been with anyone… I think because we really knew each other first… six months of talking before any action, you *REALLY* know someone emotionally… and when sex has an emotional connection, you really connect on a personal level sexually. I think I know my husband because we have known each other for eight years but I don’t’ think I know him to the depth that I know my affair partner because we had six months straight just to talk… I don’t know if that makes sense or not..
      I am comfortable and like sex with both of them for different reasons. I want to know my husband on the emotional level I knew my affair partner on… My affair partner and I were so close I think because we were both hurting so much in our relationships that we were emotionally connected to help and heal and fix each other as it was… its so hard to explain. BUT!!!! I can’t explain what it is like to have belonging to someone (as their spouse) to be added to the equation…. I wanted to be that fateful wife.. that one and only and have that amazing relationship that everyone envied… we had that before the drugs came into the picture… I want to get back to that point I am just scared to let that wall all the way down yet b/c I am terrified to get hurt… and I think sex is hard to fully connect with when there is any wall up at all… and I don’t’ feel like I had a wall with HIM at all because he never hurt me or lied to me or stole from me or left me for two years… its probably not a good answer for you but it is very confusing.
      Sex is better with my husband because I am familiar with him due to being married for eight years, causing me to be comfortable and confident, and sex with my affair partner was better because I felt more connected to him emotionally than I have ever felt with anyone causing me to be aroused more… and more in tune to feelings, causing me to feel passion and desire, which I find myself afraid of feeling with my husband yet. I’m just terrified to get hurt…
      I am probably repeating myself but I am trying to word it just right where it sounds like what I feel…

      Thank you for reading my blog… I am excited to start reading yours… if my answer to your question leads to other questions please ask another….

      • Did you ever have to lie to your husband in order to continue your affair? If so, was it easy for him to believe? Yes, or no, did you ever consider what would happen when your husband found out? What were your short and long term goals, if any, for the affair? What needs prompted you to have the affair, or was it a long, slow change? If you loved HIM, was it the same kind of love you had for your husband?

      • No I never had to lie to my husband to continue our affair he wasn’t here. I may have a couple times told him I was going out (which I did) and failed to give information as to where and with whom because he didn’t ask on the RARE occasion he did show up and want to see his kids and told me I could go out because we couldn’t even be around each other. But I didn’t really *lie* to him… He just didn’t ask and I didn’t tell… I didn’t think it mattered if my husband found out.. because who was he to say what I could and couldn’t do after being gone for two years and stealing from me and blaming my daughter for taking my pills? For leaving me with his three kids to raise on my own with no assistance what so ever? I didn’t care what he thought frankly. I was sad my husband and I didn’t work out because it was what we had and who he was that I missed and wanted, but that clearly was gone and not desired to be had by him either. My short term goals for the affair were to be kind and treat HIM the way I wanted to be treated. To genuinely care about someone so much that you want the very best for them regardless of what that may be. Long term… I didn’t think about much… yeah I thought how I’d love to end up with this man and what that would be like but that seemed so far ahead of where we both were. Every single need that had not been met in the two years prior prompted me to have an affair I guess. The two years prior prompted me to talk to someone in the same boat. Those talks prompted US to go further… I think it was the same kind of love in the beginning of both relationships, that excitement and butterflies and all of that but there was more of an emotional connection with HIM than I EVER had with my husband and I think that is only because we talked only for six months straight. However I have never said, oh it wasn’t love or oh it was only lust or oh it wasn’t real because it was very real, it was love and I know that for a fact because my heart physically hurt when it was over and out. I was devastated.. I didn’t even care what people thought I just wanted him back in my life.

    • yes, but I know (and respect) that doesn’t work for my family and marriage or his. I will always wish to speak to him and see him. I often think about wishing I could run into just him like at a stop light and just get that look of, “You were so important to me in my life when I needed you, and I will never forget you and I appreciate and respect what we had and admire you for the way we decided to end it and walk away from all of it and do what we needed to do” look. I just want that final closure… we just kind of stopped talking on weird terms and texts… I would love for it to be in person w/o spouses scowling or disapproving… not because I want to do anything wrong, just because I want it not to be uncomfortable or words to be held back… does that make sense?

      • Yesssssss, that makes so much sense. I need closure. That’s why I have such a hard time not responding to him. I need the no contact clear with both of us and things out in the open. So we both feel ok. So we both don’t feel like making contact again. So we both just have memories. And that’s it.

    • Thats a hard question.
      I don’t regret him. I love him too much to regret him. I regret the situation. I wish we would have done it right if we were going to do it… not talk to each other until we had been divorced or separated from our bad situations, BUT then I wouldn’t’ be working on my marriage which deep down is really what I want. I think truly I wouldn’t change anything because it made my husband want to work on our marriage… he’d still be out doing drugs and the band thing if there was no threat to finding someone I think. I would change the part where I got close to his family to see him more. Because that started selfishly, to get to see him more, but ended in me really caring about his kids and our kids being friends and me actually ending up having a friend in his wife. I’ve never treated a friend like that before and I never will again, I just thought for sure that we wouldn’t hit it off so well. I feel like a piece of shit there… so yes I’d change that part.

  3. Have you ever apologized to your husband and meant it?
    Have you ever apologized to his wife?
    If your AP hadn’t outted you, do you think you would still be in the affair?
    Do you think you ever would have left your spouses for each other or would you have been content to keep things as they were?
    When you were together, did you ever think of the “What if we get caught?” The consequences?

    These are questions, I’ve had for my own husband.

    You’re brave for doing this. Truly.

    • I have apologized to my husband and I do mean it. He to this day frustrates me by taking the blame fully for my affair. He says if he would have been here, I wouldn’t have cheated and he is right about that part I don’t think I would have however he didn’t make me have an affair… make as in had a gun to my head telling me to be with someone else. I have not apologized to HIS wife. I tried to talk to her the day she found out and realized and respected how much her husband and I hurt her. I have given her and her family space out of respect. I am open to talking to her if she wanted to or needed to but I am not going to put her in a position to talk to me. If my affair partner hadn’t told his wife do I still think we’d be in an affair?!? Ummmm I think so. Truly. Only because it was never bad. We never argued and it took my husband finding out to want to be with me.. so he wouldn’t have found out if his wife didn’t. I think it is very likely that it would/could still have been going.. it did last almost two years. What is another five months… that would be to right now. I don’t know if we would have left our spouses or not for each other. We talked about it often. We were both miserable… and my husband was never home. When we were together we would worry at times about her maybe wondering what was going on or accidently slipping in a conversation that we had talked about but they had not.. things like that but we weren’t really worried about consequences because he was ready to make the step to leave her, and I was already talking to divorce attorneys…
      Thanks for thinking that I am brave to do this… I don’t think of it as being brave I think of it as being honest to something people want to know… I couldn’t think what to blog about so I thought maybe people would want to tell me what to blog about or what they want answered. 🙂

  4. Ok..you gave me permission to ask!! Why didn’t you talk to your husband about the state of your marriage before you decided to cheat? Why didn’t you say something like, “I’m lonely. I need more from you. I’m beginning to have feelings for another man.” Why cheat first and deal with the consequences later?

    • I am excited to answer this one actually… I did talk to my husband about the state of our marriage BEFORE I decided to cheat. I don’t know if you have read all or only some of my blog, but my husband was gone for nearly two years. Trust me I told him I’m lonely a lot. I told him I need more from you even more. You have to remember that drugs played a role… I begged him to get better. I payed 7 grand to put him through drug rehab. AFTER two years I started talking to someone in my same boat and it lead to what it shouldn’t have. I know that wasn’t right, but I begged this man to change and to get help and to come home to me and for us to get back to where we were. I got tired of waiting. Tired of sleeping alone. He knew how I felt. Because I did talk to him. Only when he did learn of my affair, did he realize I wasn’t talking shit all those months… I said more than once I’m not going to wait around forever for you to want me. And I didn’t. Yes I should have done it the right way and divorced him first, BUT I didn’t (this is fucked up but raw and real) I didn’t want to look like the one giving up to my kids. I wanted them to remember mom being alone and mom working very hard at her business, and dad never being around and remembering that I never bad mouthed their father to them… that was their information to learn on their own. So I didn’t cheat first and deal with the consequences later. I begged do deal with the issues and the issues lead to my affair which came with consequences.

      • I totally get that your situation was more than tough. I get that you made a valiant effort to communicate your needs. But, I think there are HUGE lessons here that we can all benefit from. You NEVER told your husband that you were beginning to have feelings for another man. That may have woke his ass right up before the affair started. It was sure worth a shot. I mean, what did you really have to lose at that point? And…more important, in my book anyway, you chose not to file for divorce because of your kids? You didn’t want your kids to see you as a quitter? Am I right? So, your rationale was to begin an affair which makes you an adulterer and a liar. You felt that was better?
        Now, I know you think I’m just a sarcastic pain in the ass…but I’m truly trying to understand your train of thought. Many of my readers liked that we started this discussion, so maybe we should try to share a little honest, insight.
        Hey…you haven’t blocked me yet…so there’s still a chance we can learn
        something from each other.
        Shawn, The Wife http://ayearaftertheaffair.blogspot.com/

      • I did tell him, I did try and talk to him, we were seeing divorce attorneys, does that not kind of tell you your wife might start seeing someone? So it makes me a liar and an adulterer… it is what it is… I am trying to get back on track to being perfect like you.

  5. My affairs were non-emotional, so I have to ask: How much do you expect to actually heal your marriage when you are actively in love with your AP? Is there even a chance for full recovery? What does one do in that situation? Try to fall out of love with the AP? (Im Pillars Wife btw) 🙂

    • The only thing that will help either my marriage or the love I have for AP is time. It has already gotten much easier, I get out of bed and eat lol. I am trying to just focus on right and wrong and my marriage. I do love my husband and I am trying very hard to get where we were before all of this… and I don’t know what to do in this situation other than what I am already doing… blog, counseling, conversations with my husband and no contact with AP. What else could I possibly do? I don’t think I will ever NOT love AP, I just hope the pain of loving him fades with time… Its very possible to love more than one person at a time and truly love them both a lot. I am proof of this. Hello Pillars wife 🙂

    • Actually, I totally agree with this lady. A marriage has ZERO chance of true recovery as long as you’re still in love with the other person, let alone in any kind of contact with them. She’s 100% correct.

  6. Some really interesting questions here, although some are made to put you on the spot!! Good idea to blog this.

    • I never felt ‘power’ from being her. Its kind of weird to say it like this… but it was such an emotional relationship that I was more focused on what was being put out by me, VS what I was feeling?!?! Does that make sense… I said to HIM for the first time ever I am genuinely concerned about how I am making someone feel and not just focused on myself. I mean I loved being in his life and being HER, but I thought more about him than myself I guess is what I mean… It didn’t put me in a position to feel ‘power’.

      • it makes perfect sense…I guess I just get a different feeling from being the other woman LOL…it’s always interesting to me to see/hear how other women feel about it

  7. Why did you hold off on getting a divorce? If you were so unhappy, why not get the divorce and live your life without him?

    Just for context, my boyfriend is married and unwilling to leave his wife (though I would never ask him to) so I just want to get a feel for why you didn’t get the divorce right away…you know, why didn’t you give up on your marriage?

    • I had hopes that my husband would kick his addiction and we could be what we were… truly.
      And like I said before, I kind of was waiting for him to divorce me because I didn’t want it to look like I quit first to the kids I guess. It sounds selfish but I care about what my kids think… I wanted them to see a mom who worked three jobs at times and kept dinner on the table and our home… and that it was dad that never came home and dad that asked for the divorce. I wasn’t in any hurry to meet someone and get remarried, I was just talking to HIM because he was in the same boat… I had NO idea it would get to where it did. And LOOK! 🙂 My marriage is getting amazing help and he is doing great without pain pills… and we are trying really hard to get back to square one.

      • That definitely makes sense to me. My mom held down 3 jobs and went to college…and essentially raised us, while my dad wouldn’t even come over to take us to lunch when he promised. It took 2 years for him to take me to my graduation lunch he promised when I graduated high school.Trust me…kids notice…and as they grow older, they’ll learn to appreciate your sacrifices.
        I’m really glad you were able to get your marriage to a better place and I wish you the best of luck! 🙂

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