Guess who I ran into?

I stood behind a bookshelf and watched in total shock and like a little girl watching a unicorn, not believing my eyes as to what I was seeing.  Not wanting to scare him away or be seen by him.  Filling my mind with the way he looked without his wife and without me… I’ve never watched him that way.  I wasn’t being a stalker, lol he came to the same place (YES BY ACCIDENT) that I was, I only watched for seconds, and I was a good girl and quietly left, holding back tears….

I wonder if I cross HIS mind.

I wonder if he ever just wants to walk out the door and come talk to me.

I wonder if he ever lays awake at night like me just thinking about our year and a half.

I wonder if he misses his limo job.

I wonder if he sees the moon and thinks of all our nights together.

I wonder if he watches baseball remembering the game we went to.

I wonder if he is still talked down to.

I wonder if he sees limo’s drive by if he thinks of our encounters.

I wonder if when he drives by the three different hotels we stayed in what thoughts fill his mind.

I wonder if he respects the way I quietly walked away.

I wonder if he wishes I would have fought for us.

I wonder if he regrets telling her?

I just saw him last night.  He looks so fucking miserable.

You would be so proud of me.  I saw him and my heart sank..  it physically hurt.  I got this bubble in my throat.  My eyes started to sting.  I told myself several times I am NOT going to cry, I am NOT going to cry.  I watched from afar at how beautiful he is.  I remember him touching me and telling me how much he loved me.   I smiled at the memory, grabbed my book and walked away.  I don’t think he saw me, although a teeny tiny part of me wished he had and would have chased after me.  NOT to start anything… just to have that final conversation I want to have with him so bad in person.  I’ve said before I want a final goodbye, without a text.  Without an email.  Without spouses holding back what we really want to say…

Damn I loved him.  I think I will forever.

I think that walking away and not talking to him was a great goodbye for me.

Its just funny how one glance fills your head with thoughts… not of what to do, (I’m over that part) but just in remembering.


10 thoughts on “Guess who I ran into?

  1. wow. That must have been incredibly hard. I do understand your feelings. I too wanted a “final conversation” in person. Without rancor. Without interference. A goodbye. I never got it either. I can’t imagine what it would feel like to accidently see her. It’s good you didn’t chase after him. I know how hard it must have been to stop yourself. Stay strong.

  2. One day you will really have to write this all in a novel, I think. It’s so surreal. You did an amazing job. Not sure I could have would have done it the same way. But maybe. Closure is very good, very very good.

  3. I know someone already said it here but you should write a book it will be a great novel and if it is so easy to write why are you not doing it?? PLEASE do yourself that favour and start! ( I mean that with lots of love, I think I sounded a little mothery lol)

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