My weekend away.

Why hello my blogging friends!  I haven’t posted in about four or five days, because my husband and I and our kids went to our cabin.   I had mixed emotions about doing so but over all we had a good time.

We have a cabin about 20 minutes west of Winter Park.  Its fun, its beautiful and its peaceful.  However I have a hard time up there for a few reasons.

1. I am VERY addicted to my cell phone.  My phone, (an iPhone lol) does everything.  I can blog, email, Facebook, text, make calls… you name it.  But I can’t up there, I have no reception to do so.   So I felt like my hands were empty and like I had nothing to do…. which brings me to problem number 2.

2. When you have nothing to do other than sit back and relax and do nothing, your mind finds things to do…  I thought about life a lot this weekend.

Am I happy?

What is it I seem to be missing in life?

Am I being the best wife I can be?

Am I being the best mom I can be?

Do I get enough alone time, for me, (not selfishly)?

******

So my husband and I had some pretty good talks up there.  The kids played, had a good time.  About 6 years ago my husband built a ‘mini-cabin’ playhouse for the kids on our property… it is just like a little A-frame cabin but kid size… it looks like a little house, but it is the size of a shed.  He built in windows, a loft and ran electricity to it from our cabin.  He put in bamboo hard wood, carpeted the loft,  He built a little counter top and a latter that climbs to the loft.  I hung curtains,  put in a play kitchen and bought the play ‘cooking toys’  and put lots of kid stuff in the loft like coloring and board games.   My husband and I rarely saw the kid lol!  They played in the playhouse most of the weekend.  The weather up there was amazing and we sat out on our cabins deck swinging on the porch swing that faces the playhouse and just talked.   Things are good, communication, laughter and sex for sure, its just not as intense as it once was… I don’t know what it is or even how to explain it.   I don’t have that massive excitement to see him or be with him and that overwhelming sadness/dread when he leaves.   The emotions of being with HIM were so intense… I miss feeling THAT way.   That feeling like I want nothing more than to be with this person.   I don’t know what gives you that feeling.   I don’t think it is love alone, because I love my husband.  I am wondering if it just the love that you have for someone who hasn’t hurt you in any way.

So in thinking this weekend I realize I have the love, and the caring and the affection and the desire for this relationship with my husband.

And it occurred to me what it is that I am missing that I had with HIM.   (NO WAYWARD I AM NOT COMPARING THEM I AM JUST COMPARING MY FEELINGS… I WANT TO GET MY FEELINGS/EMOTIONS WITH MY HUSBAND TO HOW I FELT ABOUT HIM)..

So as I was saying, it occurred to me what it is that I am missing.  It dawned on me in the middle of the night laying next to my loving husband.

I am missing the Passion.

Thats it.  That is what it is.  That is the only thing that I can find that is different.   How do I get that back??

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16 thoughts on “My weekend away.

  1. I think that in order for us to feel true passion, we must be uninhibited. And because we have been hurt or betrayed in some way, we are reluctant to be that way.

    It will come back in time and as you learn to trust him more.

  2. I think this is something all married couple struggle with during their marriage. I know I have myself, even before my husband’s affair.

    We’ll never get back those first months of overwhelming OMG I”M IN LOVE WITH YOU (lust) girlish fluttery passion. That’s just not sustainable. Even in a new relationship (if you had stayed with HIM) that would have gone away. THere is no way to keep that going you know? But it progresses into a mture love along the way. And you can have “intense” feelings I’m finding out.

    The emotional intimacy definitely needs to be there. The ways we are doing it are by each trying to meet the others needs (and in turn we end up having our own needs met). We’re DATING each other again. We are doing different things together. Sometimes we just…look at each other again. Sometimes just take walks alone and just really listen to each other.

    There is so much more Ihave to say about this, I may blog on it. But you can get similar intense and passionate feelings back yes. But those early heart fluttering feelings when you just meet and are first falling in love? Those? Aren’t sustainable. And I think if you ask me, I’d rather have the mature love in the long run.

    • I understand what you are saying, I however don’t mean that in the beginning crazy love feeling… I have had two husbands and a few boyfriends, I never had this crazy, indescribable passion, connection, need or desire to be with someone… I don’t know what I am trying to explain. For the first time ever I felt my heart ache… I noticed the feel of my heart strings being pulled… I don’t know, maybe I just have never truly loved someone. Maybe that is love and I just don’t feel love like I should with my husband. ??? who knows…
      I was excited about my relationships in the beginning with my husband(s), and still it wasn’t like this was with HIM.

  3. Do you think you felt it more for HIM because of everything surrounding it? The secrecy, the forbidden fruit, the fantasy around it?? I’ve read that there is such a strong tie BECAUSE of the forbidden factor in it, that the appeal is because of those feelings that are fueled by all the things “we” are not supposed to do. The fantasy appeal. That’s it’s like a drug. But even with HIM, once that stopped and you had stayed with HIM, do you feel that those feelings could have been sustained long term? I mean, you guys put your best face on when you were with each other. You only got to see what you wanted each other to see, not the reality of what every day life was truly like. Once that part comes out (say for example if you each had left your spouses for each other) and you had a chance to see each other in the “harsh” light of daily lives, do you think you each would have felt that continued passion day in and day out?? Or was it the fantasy of the AFFAIR that you craved more than anything?

    • I truly don’t think so… I think I connected with him more as a person in the beginning and not in a relationship kind of way that it built a foundation maybe… I don’t know.. its not the butterfly feeling… that new relationship feeling… thats not it. it is the absolute, genuine feeling of caring and adoring and loving and respecting someone… I just think I was so hurt by my husbands actions that I always have that ‘fear’ in the back of my head and with that ‘fear’ there, you can’t get to that point… I don’t know.

      • I understand, I really do. I still have fear myself. A lot. It takes a lot to get to that vulnerable place again. I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust him again, not with my heart, not with my feelings. But I’m trying to make something there so that we have a foundation to build on you know?

        I can’t remember, are you guys in MC? That’s help us the most so far. (Well that and him getting on meds, LOL)

      • We are ‘kind of’ in MC. Our therapist starts as individual… he sees us both alone for several sessions to get to know us as individuals before he can help us together. He said it helps him relate to each individual in a relationship. You have to know yourself before you can be married and he said he feels the same way about being able to help two people together, you have to know them first individually.

  4. Personally, I believe that feeling of needing to possess someone sexually, is based on insecurity. When I found my husband had been online talking with women, as much as I was hurt, the sex was amazing, because I felt this need to be as close to him as possible. Once that insecurity had passed, the feelings went back to a normal love and a take it or leave it with being intimate.

    • I would think that would be dangerous… I don’t know maybe I am wrong… but did your husband think that if he spoke with women again that the ‘punishment’ from you would be great sex? I am just curious, if other distances and things like counseling were needed?

      • It was a subconscious thing, I didn’t try to reward him on purpose. It being great to me, doesn’t mean it was great for him. Emotionally for me it was more rewarding. I was winning something, possibly it could be that my mind is more deviant, and there was some power in it all. I don’t really know, those are the things I am trying to explore. it was all emotional based. We did do counseling, and there was no real ‘reason’ he ventured where he did. I refuse to blame him for my current actions, but I know it played at least a small part, even if that part is I no longer feel like he would never do such a thing to me. Life is interesting. All my girlfriends have similar daddy issues as I do, and typically end up with similar kinds of men that I always did. So, my view of deep attraction, is that it is related to some sort of dysfunction. Could be, that since that is all I have ever known, I have some block to feeling it when things are healthier.

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