I don’t understand. I don’t.


I don’t understand why he pings into my life one day before my world hits rock bottom.

I told you that Friday he sent me a message asking me to get online.  I ignored it.

Saturday I went to a dear friend of mine’s birthday.

She went into the house and came out with a HUGE water gun and went after all of us.  I went running across her yard and stepped in a hole and rolled my ankle.

I left the party.  I couldn’t even walk.  My husband was a huge help, but he looked worried.  I assumed it was because I hurt my ankle.

I knew it wasn’t broke, so I didn’t go to the ER.   I’ve done this before and since I’ve done it once, its easy to redo it because the tendons and muscles are weak from doing it before.

The pain got too bad.

I got up to get my prescription pain pills and they are both over half gone.

My husband just started crying.

I am so hurt. Devastated.  Angry.  Pissed.   Mostly at myself because I had been locking them up, helping him not to fail but when we went to our cabin I took them out and with us. Because I get really bad headaches at the elevation of our cabin.  I think he knew that.

So in a weeks time, this weekend to last, he took 30 percosets and 29 Dilaudid’s. (SP).

I give up.   I don’t know anymore what I am supposed to do.

I want to be more important to my husband than pills.   I just don’t understand addiction.  We made it past the 30 days that my husband wanted to try, and I feel further back than day one of starting over.


19 thoughts on “I don’t understand. I don’t.

  1. “He” is not the answer. He’s merely a diversion.

    Deal with your husband and your marriage. Separately. Stop trying to mix the two of them up. if you want out of your marriage, get out. But you need to make that decision without the interference of another man. A MARRIED man, mind you. He’s not the panacea you probably think he is. He’s not the answer to your problems. He’s a symptom of them.

    This is your big brother talking

    • I’m not going to answer his pings… I am not. I know now that I don’t want that. I am just saying it is odd to me that this all happens together. In saying if he pinged in today I would talk to him, I don’t think I really would, I am just trying to state how angry I am.
      Trust me… I do NOT want to hurt again like that. I don’t want to hurt myself, his family or him again like that. It didn’t do anything good for anyone other than our short lived emotions. I am not about to open that can of worms again.
      Thank you for caring for me like a big brother!!! 😀

  2. I’m really sorry to hear your husband has messed up as it seemed he’d been doing so well.

    I don’t want to tell you to do or not do something it is up to you all I’ll say is go with gut

    • My gut says, (yet again), to help him. I just feel so unimportant to him when he does this to me time and time again. I know I don’t understand addiction, I just from this side of things understand how something, (anything) can be more important than your family. The closest I can come to understanding addiction is my affair, how bad I wanted to see him and be with him all the time… HOWEVER I would have NEVER put my kids on the line…

  3. Wow I wish there was something I could do. Something I could say but you are very strong and I am so proud of you. The way you’ve dealt with every situation that comes your way. Follow your heart!

  4. Before I meet my husband I was with an alcoholic/recovering drug addict for 9-1/2 years. I’m not sure if they have an al–anon for narcotics but as a former member of al-anon the same concepts apply. I would strongly suggest you attend meetings or find their resources online to help.

    I remember that hopeless feeling. Wanting to help, feeling like you are inadequate enough to satisfy their lives like their addictions do, wanting to help them by refusing to feed their habit, hiding their drugs from them, keeping everything under lock and key that would cause them to slip. I remember him starting to fall into a depression and feeling like I HAD to give into his weakness to bring him back.

    I learned to stop enabling him, stop making excuses for him, and how to take a stand against him and his addiction. I understand this may be difficult when you feel like you have to make something up to him after having an affair. You, out of few waywards I’ve encountered, I would excuse for your discretions. I know how it feels living with an addict and wanting something more. That great love you have for them, wanting to see them better, scared of their well-being if you leave them alone. I had an affair when my ex-boyfriend moved back to the state we moved from with the intention of me following him. By the time he moved back to where I was when he realized I wasn’t coming home I had learned that there was something more. He had consumed so much of my time I was sick of baby sitting him, spending sooo much money on his habit, sick of feeling like I was second in his life.

    I am stronger now because of it. He’s still the same worthless drunk that can’t keep a job. I have never needed to depend on a man for my happiness since. My husband’s affair brought out that trait again and it absolutely devastated me, I’m getting past that again.

    You don’t owe him anything. He needs help, he needs to realize as much as you need his support, he needs yours. If you want to leave, you can’t worry about what will become if him. If you stay, he needs to realize you need to be the most important thing in his life and realize there’s no shame in getting help.

    As far as the other man, you deserve better, even if you left your husband. You don’t need someone else’s leftovers. He obviously has issues in his marriage he can’t open up about and if he’s emotionally unavailable to her, he will be to you if you were together.

    Good luck and if you need any advice, support, or need to vent, you know where to find me:)

  5. Send him back to treatment. Did he actually ever go the first time? Maybe he needs some time in in-patient. It is not time to give up, but time to take the next step…make things “harder” on him: never let the pills out of your site, more therapy, more meetings. If he wants to get clean and stay clean, he has a lot of work to do. It isn’t going to be easy. You can’t love him enough to make him desire you more than the drugs. The drugs will always win over you until he can make the CHOICE to stay away from them and know WHY he needs to. If he doesn’t have reasons for staying clean, he won’t. And those reasons can’t be centered around your marriage or relationship. He needs to have a healthy relationship with himself first and foremost.

    I completely understand how you may feel hopeless, but he needs the encouragement and support…be the spokesperson for your kids. The fact that he broke out in tears is good. MOST addicts have one good relapse to really slap them in the face and make them wonder wth they are doing.
    Hopefully this is it.
    I am thinking of you.

    • Yes he is in/going to treatment now…. I can’t afford in patient, its nearly 7 thousand dollars and I have already done that once. I put my meds back in my safe, and if we go out of town and I get a migraine I will bring my safe I guess… I do not want to not go to the cabin but the elevation is a very real trigger for my migraines. Thank you for always being here for me. I appreciate you.

  6. I’m so sorry he slipped. It’s hard living with an addict. Don’t blame yourself, whatever you do. Does he have a support system? Is he going to meetings? Is he following a program? Does he have someone “safe” to call and tell about his urges and slip-ups who can get him back on track? Is he going to IC? If not, he needs to do all of those things. You can’t be his everything in this. He needs to start taking some responsibility.

    Admitting what he did is a good step forward, but that he only admitted when you noticed your pills missing is a setback. Hopefully it can be a wake-up call. He can’t do it all by himself. That is the nature of addiction. And you can’t follow behind him locking up every temptation.

    • He is in meetings, and has his boss he can talk to who knows our entire story… I just signed myself up for a group because I am starting to take it personal (even though I know I shouldn’t), it makes me feel like I am not ‘good enough’ to be more important to him than any high. My ultimate fear is him getting hurt at work because he is ‘under the influence of a narcotic”…. or even worse not waking up one morning. Scares the shit out of me. I am so angry at him for leaving me in a place to have these thoughts.

      • I think it’s a really good thing for you to get support. I am part of a group of wives of sex addicts. It has been very helpful. Hearing from others who are in the same situation is validating. The fears that you have are scary, but the scariest part of all is that you have no control over it. At least that was the scariest for me.

        About the not “good enough” comment – I completely identify with you there. It’s hard not to take it personally because while they are destroying their own lives they are also dragging you down with them. Being involved with an addict is such a whirlwind of emotions. If it was just about him loving you (and himself) enough addiction would be a lot easier to kick than it is. That is a big part of it, but there are so many other aspects.

  7. I don’t know if you read my post or not about my Dad, but the was an addict because of his mental illness. So I have experience with it. Nasty memories. And I remember my Mom saying a lot that she didn’t understand how the pills and drugs were more important than his family. I felt the same way for about 10 years. Like we weren’t worth as much.
    I’m not suggesting your husband has a mental illness or anything. And that’s where my experience changes from yours….because I ended up having the same illness and could feel the pain he felt for so many years and could understand how he felt they were necessary. Never an option for me, even more so because of how much pain his addiction caused me. But I can understand now on a level my Mom never will.
    I am so sorry. I know your pain. If your heart says to help, then help. I wish so bad that my Mom would’ve or could’ve helped my Dad more, and that my Dad would’ve tried harder for help.

    • I am so sorry that was your childhood. That is heartbreaking for me to hear/read. I had this amazing childhood and it breaks my heart that my husband has created that childhood for my kids. I want them to have the perfection and happiness I had, and that just hasn’t happened. 😦 I am so sorry. I am glad I have blog followers/readers/friends that understand my situation on any and all sides, because it helps to hear them. All of it.

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