Last Saturday night was bad.
We went to a friends bday party. I had two drinks in a four hour time frame…. as did MOST of the adults. It was a group of people in their 30’s and 40’s that were having a good time. Sitting on a back deck in the sunshine, laughing and just having fun. That is until my husband had to be the one that got trashed. Had to be the one to embarrass me. Again. Had to be the one that drank too much. Had to be the one that had me apologizing. Playing his air guitar in this kitchen in front of a dozen or so people. Thinking he was fucknig hysterical. I was so embarrassed. I was so mad. I was so hurt. My poor kids. What a joke. We drove 99.9% of the way home in silence. I was boiling…. I was about to explode. He couldn’t even talk, when he tried to he slurred.
We were three blocks from home and I yelled, Why is it always you that acts like an idiot?
Why is it always me that is embarrassed?
Why is it always me that is apologizing?
Why is it always me that has to time my drinks and be the responsible one? And don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean I want to get trashed, its me being a RESPONSIBLE parent, realizing we have to drive home.
Why can’t you stop at one or two drinks?
We pulled in the driveway and the kids walked in the house and went straight to bed, they had been sleeping in the car… it was late.
I stood at the garage door when his
slurring I mean yelling started.
“Why do you always have to be such a bitch? I wanted a wife, not a mother. Why do you always have to be so stuck up and so perfect? You are a fucking bitch. A guy can never let loose and have a little fun around you. You have to be so straight laced and stuck up and self centered!”
Each word hurt. Each word from his drunkness slurred into the next. The five sentences blended together in one slobbering mess. All I could say was, “GET OUT!”
He said, “Let me get my keys”
I said “HELL NO you are not driving anywhere just leave, call someone, you have your phone.
He walked out of the garage and I closed it and hit lock on the keypad feature.
I was shaking. I was so angry. I was pissed.
I picked up the phone and called his sister who lives like five blocks away from us. She said she’d go get him.
I am sick of him falling off of this wagon. Hell I am sick of his wagon. Buy a damn seatbelt already.
In my anger I did what I wasn’t supposed to do. I was so hurt and so angry. I am so mad at myself. I sent a text to HIM. I know stupid right?? All it said was this:
“I am so hurt, so angry, so alone and you were right. You told me it would happen again and it did. The difference now, is that you are not here to carry me away and make me forget. I want you to be with your family. I don’t miss our affair, I miss our friendship. I miss having someone to talk to. I miss feeling like someone cared about me enough not to be an asshole and treat me like shit. Thank you for that year and a half that you did nothing to hurt me, and did nothing but make me smile.”
I set the alarm on the house, put the dogs in their kennel, took a Xanax, glanced at my phone at the text from his sister, “Got him- he’s trashed, you have put up with too much for too long!” and cried myself to sleep.