So you don’t think you could have an affair? Yeah thats what I thought too.

I doesn’t matter who you are.   You can be a average working Joe, or a million dollar film director.   You can be a stay at home mom or a military dad.  You can be  Christian, Jewish or have no religion at all.  You can be tall, short, heavy set or thin.  You can be you or you can be me.  The thing is you can have an affair.   If the moments were right and you were hurting at home and someone was there to love you, (who wanted to love you and be loved) it can happen.  Yes we know right from wrong.   But it is so hard to explain how it starts.  That one fine wire that you cross knowing you are doing wrong is covered up or made blurry by all the good you feel.  Pretty soon you don’t even focus on the bad, the guilt or the negative.   You are just happy.  Your needs are somehow instantly being met.  Sometimes its emotional.  Sometimes sexual.  Sometimes both.  Sometimes it truly is just feeling like someone asked you how your day was and REALLY cared about your answer.  You know, didn’t ask you out of habit.    I don’t understand how quickly it happens and how quickly it is over.   Sometimes no one knows anything and you just come to your senses.  Sometimes you get caught.  Sometimes one side finds out.  Regardless, somehow, someday, somewhere MOST affairs fall apart.  And when they do, down fall the pieces of lives all around you of people that were affected by your choices.  Your happiness that you felt during your amazing affair, is somewhere in the back of your mind and you can barely see it or feel it because you are so focused on the hurt you are feeling from your actions. Hurt that you wish you would have known would be coming.  Hurt that exceeds ANY and ALL reasons you had an affair to begin with.  Then when the dust of our actions starts to fall, and healing and repairing begin, up come those feelings of missing that OTHER person.  You see things that make you think.  Hear things that make you remember.  You can go from fine to a total panic attack over the lost person in your life that you grew to love.  And understand most will admit love.  I know I loved HIM.  I know he loved me.   You don’t talk to someone for nearly two years, every single day and not develop feelings.   Those three little words WERE exchanged.  Through tears a couple times.   I am so tired of being judged.   I am so tired of the way people look at you for being “That Whore that nearly destroyed THEIR marriage”.   He made the choices too.  With me.   We both did. Neither of us was right.  We BOTH made bad choices.  And you judging assholes better be careful, because one day something will happen that you could be standing in my shoes, (or HIS) and the way you react either makes you a human or a human.   Either way, you are a human being with feelings, needs, emotions and longing somehow for some reason for something more.

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11 thoughts on “So you don’t think you could have an affair? Yeah thats what I thought too.

  1. Not only have I been the “other woman”, I encourage them to continue to work it out. Everyone is entitled to their own happiness; sometimes people cannot find it within their own relationships, and cannot leave the situation due to other circumstances (kids, money, etc). I think if people would stop being so insecure and threatened by the possibility that someone else could make your significant other happy, they would spend less time worrying about it, and more time keeping their lover happy. You cannot destroy something that isn’t already broken. I wrote a post about this in my blog titled “Don’t Fear the Mistress”. It may hit home for you. Great blog and love the perspective!

    http://www.giveheadandheart.wordpress.com

    • I respect your opinion but I don’t know that I fully agree with it. Yes I loved HIM, but I never expected his wife to EVER be okay with it. I wanted that ONE person in my life… I wanted the happily ever after. I wouldn’t have had an affair, (truly) had my husband been here. I got lonely. Two years of being alone. Who wouldn’t move on. The man I started talking to and falling for happened to be married. I never ever in a million years thought I’d have an affair. I just think its unrealistic to think that people will always be insecure about their spouses having an affair and it isn’t something ‘many’ will ever agree to be okay with. There is a very few people I know that practice an open marriage like that and they have a handful of ‘other’ problems too… jealousy for starters. Even when they know what they are getting into. My girlfriend said she was okay with it and at the end of the day she was crying to me about what if the woman he is with is better in bed than me or they end up connecting more than him and I do. Feelings I understood, however SHE with HIM chose this lifestyle. I don’t get it. To each their own I guess. I just don’t think it will be accepted for your spouse to have a lover, because it makes everything ‘better’ at home. ??? Who knows.

      • Oops! I wasn’t referring to an open marriage at all. What I was suggesting is that people are busy obsessing over WHO is at fault in an affair instead of looking at the bigger picture. We are all capable of having an affair, and I resent the judgement that other people place upon the “other woman”, when it is not all her doing. Instead of obsessing over the potential of your spouse cheating, give them what is necessary to encourage them never to have the desire in the first place. I don’t approve of or discourage open marriages, but it isn’t my practice.

      • Oh wow… I don’t know how I read that wrong LOL! I agree and I have argued MANY times that there are issues before affairs happen. And the spouses of affair havers will rip your head off that their marriages were perfect and that they had no warning and blah blah blah…. I agree one out of every 1000 affairs are totally selfish and there were no problems at home, but the reality is for the other 999 of us is that something is missing somewhere… and it takes two to tango. And denial is a pretty good issue in itself.

  2. I think that you are right on the bulls eye here. I don’t understand my own emotions so I can’t pretentious to be able to understand someone else’s. I hope that you find peace within yourself knowing that you have done your best in this situation, certainly no judgement here. I too have fallen in love with another, and am torn to pieces about it. Hope you find yourself smiling today:)

  3. No one should have to stay unhappy, its not easy to be unhappy and not a seek a way of finding happiness. I cheated (on my boyfriend) and i did not regret it. I knew it was wrong and i would never ever ever do it again but i did not regret it because while my boyfriend was being an abusive asshole and making me cry there was a guy who was ready to wipe my tears and put a smile on my face. It was only once and did not last long but it made me feel like a person again. it made me feel wanted, loved and worth something to someone. Everyone has a right to seek hapiness (and we are human, we are not perfect, we make mistakes and yes looking for hapiness through cheating is wrong but it happens). ❤ never ever let people judge you, never let peoples words get you down because they have not walked in your shoes nor have they experienced what you felt or went through. XOXOXO

  4. someone asked me how my day was and really cared….
    I think there’s fault on all sides, the betrayed spouses who gave up caring about their partners’ needs, the betrayers who gave up trying with their spouses and found someone else to satisfy their needs…

  5. Sometimes an affair is the unfortunate route. Better that each person is “clean” and free to go to each other. But what if you didn’t know you were vulnerable to falling in love? What if you’ve found what you always knew was possible? Is it a case of hanging on and seeing if you can make two lives work or should you rip the bandaid off your marriage and get on? I don’t know how to get through this maze right now. And am I just confused about sex and why it’s so good? My latest post on http://www.findingfidelity.com talks about how I have found my long held fantasy has become reality.

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