It’s so late, and again I can’t sleep. I feel very all over the place. A million thoughts going a million miles an hour. Why don’t I think like this during the day? I just lay down and the thoughts just start.
I need a new mac. I feel like my mac is new. It blows me away how fast technology changes. You have a computer for a year and it is already behind in everything. I have had my mac (laptop) for almost three years, its starting to get slow and the newest update won’t ‘work’ on it. I went in to buy another one and looked an instead bought an imac, (desktop). I love our new ‘big’ computer but there is something about laying in bed in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep and be able to blog or whatever and not have to be up and out at the desk. I mainly use the big mac for my business. I should have bought the laptop. Damn. Oh well… it is what it is.
My husband called me a couple days ago and said he wanted to spend Saturday together. I hesitated. More issues have surfaced and I am trying to be forgiving and helpful but you can only be shit on so many times before you just walk away for good. I am trying. God knows I am trying.
I think I am trying a little bit harder since I’ve made a new friend here on my blog. Understanding his feelings and heartbreak when his wife decided to move on has made me think beyond our up front issues. All this blogger, (friend) wants is one more chance with his wife. One more time to prove to her things have changed. One more try. He is such a good man with a good heart, I wish his wife could /would be convinced. His posts are heart wrenching. I feel like I am sitting in his living room and he is talking to me. They are so real, so raw, so touching. His blog has made me think a LOT. There are a TON of similarities in our stories. So many times I find myself wishing I knew his wife to tell her, THIS MAN LOVES YOU! He adores you! He needs you. He wants you. He desires you. Listen to him. Hear him. Try with him. Just one more time.
So when my husband asked to spend Saturday with us, I hesitated. When you ask to spend time with US that us includes our kids. I hate giving them this teaser, (like a movie preview)… of their mom and dad being happy and life being great, just for their little hopes desires and dreams to be dropped again. So when he asked to spend the day with us I hesitated, like I said but found myself thinking of my new friend. How he just wants so badly for his wife to try again. So in thinking about him and his story and his touching blog that I have read start to finnish , I told my husband we (the kids and I) would spend the day with him. We have a zoo here in Colorado called the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo. It is HUGE. It is beautiful! We had such a good time. The drive up there was fun. We listened to music that the kids sang to, (80’s songs that I have burned in my kids heads over the years of their lives! We talked, we laughed, we talked about our favorite animals and if we thought we would see them there. We stopped for breakfast. The kids ate pancakes, smiling the entire time and loving our family time. My son insisted on sitting next to daddy so I sat across from him. I ate what I could and picked up my coffee and just looked at my husband. Where did we get lost? I still see him in there and I love him so much. He caught my eye and we just looked at each other. You know that look where you know what the other is thinking and no words have to even be exchanged? That look. I had my elbows on the table (rude I know but I was done eating) and was holding my coffee cup up at my mouth. Looking over the cup at him. The kids were talking about their excitement for the zoo. I just looked at him. Emotions flew over me. My everything is at this table. My best times and worst times have been with everyone at this table. If I could bottle up a moment it would have been right then. My kids. My husband, my family. My life. Laughter, conversation, and no sign of addiction anywhere. At that moment I felt his foot rub up the inside of my leg. He smiled over his coffee cup and said, “I don’t deserve someone so loving and so forgiving.” My eyes of course welled up. I looked out the window and tried to hold back tears. We had the best day. All day long. It was like our marriage was in the very beginning. I took amazing photos. Tons of them. My daughter wanted to take a picture of him and I and it was the best picture we ever have taken together. It looks like this perfect happy couple. My seven year old at the zoo walked in between him and I and held both of our hands each time she saw another animal she would let go of our hands and place our hands together. We walked hand in hand through out the zoo. Everything I love and care about was right there.
We left the zoo and headed home. Half way home we stopped for dinner. Again my son wanted to sit by daddy, which is fine I enjoyed watching him be a daddy. Cut his food up and help him when needed. I have missed seeing a man play the role of daddy in my house. It is so sexy to me. I didn’t realize how much my son resembles him. Expressions that are identical and they did them together as I was sitting there watching. Needless to say it was a good day. We came home and put the kids to bed. He asked if I was up for dessert. I just smiled because at first I wasn’t sure if he was being serious or sexually playful. He lit these amazing candles I bought HERE (AMAZING BTW), and grabbed the container of strawberries and the vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce. We sat at the kitchen table and ate strawberries and chocolate. Neither of us ate much of the ice cream. We cleaned up and he was going to leave he said “thank you for letting me spend the day with you and the kids..” and I cut him off and asked him to stay the night. (We have been up and down and doing some of this apart stuff like our therapist said) he looked at me and said he would love to stay. We laid in bed and just talked for hours. Yes he made love to me, (I am assuming you knew that part lol), we soon after fell asleep. I of course didn’t stay asleep because I CANT EVER SLEEP, and I laid there and just listened to him breathing. I want this to work. I need this to work. It is so odd how when its good, its really really good and when its bad, its BAD. I want no more bad. I woke up to the most amazing smell. He with the kids was making waffles. Laughter coming from my kitchen. Hearing him say to the kids be quiet mommy is still sleeping. I love him. I do. I never stopped. I just need certain things to stay out of our relationship. I had coffee, waffles, my kids and my husband. It was a pretty amazing weekend.
I apologize if this post doesn’t make sense or seems to ramble. It’s almost 2 in the morning and I am exhausted but can’t sleep… my brain seems as though it is working but at 2 in the morning I am making NO promises. LOL. I hope all of you, (my blogging friends), are sleeping soundly resting up for your upcoming posts that I look so forward to reading.