Broken.

 

rehab it is.

people telling me he does love me that his actions are controlled.

one lady/nurse put it in a much clearer understanding.

“picture him being a puppet on a string, and controlling him , (his puppeteer) is everything bad, and the drugs make him do it.”

I’m so sad.

You should see him on day three of being admitted.

It’s heart breaking.

He just hangs on to me and sobs.

I can’t tell you what that is like or how it feels.

This strong, perfect, indedpendant, bussiness owning man that I married, who loved his wife and family is so very broken.

Very, very broken.

Leaving me with a pile of emotions in my lap.

I’m sad.

I’m hurt.

I’m disapointed in myself for not helping him fight.

I’m discouraged.

I’m lonely.

I’m exhausted.

I’m on edge.

I’m trying to be a good mom.

I’m thankful he isn’t dead.

I’m thankful his boss has agreed to pay him as if he were working, (he is THAT good of a friend), he worded it “paying him to get better”.   That in itself is a blessing.

Thing is when I look at my husband, I mean really look, I see him in there.   He is tired and broken but he is in there.

How do I get him back without giving up?  How do I reach him without dying enough not to live myself?  How do I reconnect with a man who has hurt me to the core?  How do I forgive myself for having an affair and giving up on him when he was so sick?  How many more times do I have to go through this stupid cycle before it works or ends?

 

I’m not going to lie.

I’m not going to lie.

Its ten till six and I have a kick ass buzz going on.

I’m not going to lie.

My girlfriend picked up my kids because she said I needed a night.

I’m not going to lie.

He came home saying he was having a gallbladder attack and asked me  if he could have some pills.

I’m not going to lie.

I’m pissed.

I’m not going to lie.

I’m hurt.

I’m not going to lie.

I’m ready to be done.

I’m not going to lie.

I want to text HIM so bad.

I’m not going to lie.

I want to tell HIM that  he was right and that I haven’t been happy since October.

I’m not going to lie.

I think about HIM making love to me.

I’m not going to lie.

I clearly have a problem.

I’m not going to lie.

My marriage is over.

I’m not going to lie.

I gave my husband his *30* days.

I’m not going to lie.

I am jealous of HIS wife.

(Bitch).

I’m not going to lie.

I love my husband and I want back what we had.

I’m not going to lie.

I hate fucking prescription drugs.

I’m not going to lie.

My girlfriend picked up my kids.

I’m not going to lie.

I had a few drinks.

I’m not going to lie.

I dumped ALL my pills in the toilet.

(fuck my pain).

I’m not going to lie.

I told my husband if he is in pain to call his doctor.

(From his moms house).

I’m not going to lie.

I remember HIS cell phone number by heart.

(Encourage me, (please) to NOT text him).

 

I’m not going to lie.

I’ts NEVER going to change.

#letdownagain

Oh I needed a good laugh.

My girlfriend’s husband is out of town.

She called me MORTIFIED this morning.

She woke me up EARLY this morning calling me freaking out.

I sat up in bed trying to wake up for my  panicked friend.

She said, I tried to have a little fun and text my husband some pictures.

Again, I’m trying to wake up, and asked pictures?

She informed me the ‘private pictures you can playfully send to your husband or lover or boyfriend….’

Instantly I caught on, I was starting to wake up.

I said yeah, so whats wrong?

She said my husband and boss are both named Mark in my phone.

LMAO.  OH SHIT.

She said he simply responded with, “EMMA, I don’t think these were meant for me”.

Needless to say she doesn’t want to go to work… all I could do was laugh.

She said, “THIS IS WHY I DON’T DO THIS CRAP THAT MY HUSBAND ALWAYS SAYS HE’D LOVE TO DO”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  

Just Being Happy.

How do I feel when I see her, (his wife)? This was a question someone asked me. And that question was followed by asking me and why do you think you feel that way?

Well.

Wow.

Ummmm.

Lets see.

I feel SO many emotions.

First and foremost, I feel ashamed.
I am not the ‘affair’ having type.
I feel bad. I do, for hurting her that way.
Especially because we were friends.

Granted our friendship started with the intention of getting to see her husband more, BUT, I grew to like her. I did.

I’m ashamed that I was a shitty friend.

But I feel anger too.
I am angry she treats him the way she does.
I am angry she talks bad about him in front of him and behind his back.
I always tried to defend him when her and I were together.
That’s probably why she started to think something was up.

How many of your girlfriends defend your husband when she is venting to you? Not many.
When she told me, “He is such an idiot when it comes to raising toddlers” I’d say he’s home… he is working, he isn’t abusing them.
When she’d say he never does a fucking thing, I’d say he works two jobs, so you can stay home. (EVEN THOUGH I AM SEEING HIM SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK AT HIS SECOND JOB).
When she said, We never have sex anymore, I said maybe he is exhausted. I’m exhausted and he is pulling double the hours I am. I just never asked why or had a conversation with her like you would a girlfriend over ice cream saying yeah, he IS being an asshole for not having sex with you.

Anyway, back to the original question. I think I feel ashamed. I think I feel ashamed because I know what I did was wrong.

I think I feel angry because she treats him like shit and all I want for him is to be happy. Honestly. Thats my wish for him.

I think I feel afraid. Not of her physically, afraid if we have a verbal confrontation she is going to see right through me. Right through to my heart.

I loved him so much that I let him go.

When everything told me to stand screaming that I love him. Stand saying we should be together if we both feel the way we do.

But there was more to the story.
Relationships with history.
History worth repairing.
Children who deserve a family that can be together if there is any way possible to make that work in a healthy way.

However look at what I am seeing.
Their relationship is not healthy. Name calling and fighting in public and in front of their children. A broken husband that stops speaking and just does what he is being yelled at to do. One who is trying. He is so broken.

And our relationship which is this space. Empty. Two people that care about each other and loved perfectly at one time. To saying we want to try but never having the time to do so.
Try to understand…
I love my husband.
I want my marriage to work.
I do.
I NEED him to be here to make that happen.
I have tried to understand the work thing… I have.
HOWEVER, the problems don’t go away and the time and space only makes them harder to work through.
I’m debating asking him to quit his job.
Seriously.
How long did I pay all the bills without him? Money was tight and it sucked but it was possible.
I hate being alone.
I am a strong independent woman don’t get me wrong but life is short. I am tired of being alone.
It was being alone that caused me to make the biggest mistake of my life.
It just makes me back up and look at the big picture. Nothing really has changed other than he isn’t on my pills. He still isn’t here.

Okay. What is really bothering me? Get to the point right.

The point is this.
HE is at home with a wife who puts him down and treats him like shit, (and I’m not hearing this from him, I’ve seen it with my own eyes) and at home with his kids being an amazing dad. And I am at home alone. HERE IS MY PROBLEM: My husband didn’t even call today. Today was his daughters OUR daughters first day of second grade.

She asked me if daddy knew today was her first day of school. I told her yes. I told her daddy is working. I told her daddy loves her and is very proud of her. She fell asleep and I cried.
Fuck him. Working or not. You can fucking call.

All while HE is at home being called a fucking idiot for not knowing how to be a dad to toddlers. Yeah well he’s fucking HOME, trying.

For the first time ever I am apologizing for my post. I’m sad for my daughter, down in my attitude and yet again lonely.
I’ll be fine, I always am.

I miss him. I miss just being happy. THATS the part I miss. Not the sex, not the secrets, not the sneaking. Just. Being. Happy.

***I just re-read this and I realize it is choppy and doesn’t make sense or flow.  I’m blaming Ambien.  but I’ll fix it tomorrow.

Can I just say…

If you follow me because you had an affair, or your husband had an affair, or your wife had an affair or you just find this drama fun to read about,  go buy this book!   Here is the review:   When It Happens to You.    Its about a husband who had an affair….  and what it does to their marriage/life/parenting.   Read the review but I suggest you get the book too! 

You remember Molly Ringwald right?  Who could forget her?  The Breakfast Club was my favorite, (still is).  Anyway she grew up.  She has written a really great book!  I’m about halfway through and I think we can all relate one way or the other.   It’s made me think a lot for sure.   Granted its a novel, but it is something we can all relate to especially if you are all here.   Let it be your last summer read!

Hope you all are having a great day!

Cheers!

And you wonder why he fucked around….

I didn’t scope your husband out.

I didn’t see you and think I’m going to fuck her husband.

I didn’t PLAN to have an affair.

I didn’t assume we would click.

I didn’t know one thing would lead to another.

I didn’t think I’d connect with him like I did.

I didn’t think we’d laugh until we cried at nothing that had to do with you.

I didn’t think we’d share things and situations with each other that were heartbreaking.  To the point that we both shed tears.

I didn’t think that we would support each other and encourage each other when things at *HOME* were bad and DID suck.

I didn’t think that I’d start to look forward to seeing him because of all the emotion we shared.

I didn’t think I could be intimate with him.

In our case it wasn’t like we just jumped in the sack or fucked in the backseat of a car.

We talked about it for a long time… made sure that was where we wanted to go.  It wasn’t like we waited a week either.   It was almost a year.  It was a step that was SERIOUSLY thought about… with the consequences in mind.

His love for you was never doubted.  It was known.  He just was tired of being a thing to you and not a person.

The things he shared with me, he said not even you knew because you said, “I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT OR TALK ABOUT YOUR FAMILY”.

And guess what?  I know that was the truth because SEVERAL times I heard you say that to him.

He is a human.

He has feelings.

And needs.

Just because he is this big, strong, providing man doesn’t mean you don’t have to care for him and love him.   He has a heart.  He bleeds.  He hurts.  He is human.

You, (even in front of me),  have always been so mean and hurtful and rude to him.  You often put him down in front of others.  Belittled his efforts.  Laughed at him when he failed.   I’ll never forget him swerving to avoid an accident,  (saving your family) and you posted on facebook that “HE SWERVED IN SUCH A DUMB ASS WAY THAT IT SCRATCHED YOUR VAN ON THE WALL BY THE HEADLIGHT’.     FOR FUCKS SAKE, YOUR FAMILY IS ALIVE FROM HIM SWERVING.

A man can only take so much of that.  Add that to all the shit I was taking and dealing with from my husband and its no wonder we connected.

Please be kind to him.

We were both so hurt by the two people that were SUPPOSED to love us the  most.

So keep it up and I promise you his ass will land in someone else’s arms again.

He looks so down, and alone, and broken.   Love him damnit.  Seriously, put your hands on him and LOVE the man that has been given to you to love.

I want to talk about the picture I decided to use at the top of my blog.

It has great meaning to me.  It is just a random picture I found.  But for my life, my blog, I love this picture.   Here is why I like it.

#1.  It’s a woman and I am a woman.

#2.  She is naked.  This was important to me NOT because my blog is sexual but because it is raw and out there and nothing is covered up, everything is exposed. Like it or not this is my story.  Naked and real.

#3.  She has her arms stretched out in two directions.   I wish I was good at photo editing… I’d put a MM (married man) under one of her palms and a MH (my husband) under her other.   I love how if  their pictures or their names fell under her palms and her arms are stretched out to them, it appears to be a S-T-R-E-T-C-H or hard work to reach either man.  Which if you follow my blog you know is true.

#4.  I love that the picture is grey.  Not black (your married)  Not white, (your having an affair).   That GREY area.  That I am married, but he is never home and I loved a married man GREY area.  Does that make sense?

#5.  This may be one of the weirdest reasons I like this picture.   I am not blonde and I do not have long hair.   I like sometimes looking at my situation from outside the box.  Like my life would be someone else’s… what would I tell someone, how would I think if someone I knew was having an affair….   I know that seems crazy but I like blogging about me, but I try to make myself a character, because its so hard to well,…. talk about ourselves a lot.

So know that the picture I picked has meaning.  I love it.   I just wanted you guys to know why I picked it and why it’s important to me.

THANK YOU!!!

I just hit 100 followers.   OH!  Now I am at 101!

Thank you to all of you who follow

my words, my venting, my bitching, my hurting, my acceptance, my blessings and my learning.

I appreciate all of you!  Very, very much.

***ADDED LATER:  The same day that I hit 101 followers, I hit 500 likes.  Wow!  Thanks guys!********