Wait Wayward, there was a reason….

 

So I kind of have this big brother on here.  Wayward.  He put a comment on my last post that really made me think but I think it made me have to state what I’m trying to do.

So a while back when I was dealing with this whole affair thing being over I could NOT move past where I was in healing.  I just wanted to talk to him and say goodbye, it was really pressing on me to do so.  Over and over.  So my therapist said, write a letter but don’t send it.  So I did, but I decided to write it on here.  Since that letter I haven’t had those feelings or that repeat going on in my head.  It worked!

So this day that I blogged about (my last post) is the one day that replays over and over and over in my head.  Yes the memory rears its head (I won’t say ugly) when I am feeling a little down in my marriage.  I won’t lie that is when these feelings resurface.  I should have commented before I started posting that I was trying that same technique that my therapist had told me about before.  I am hoping to write it down and feel like it was said or dealt with I can move on.

I know what I want and I am focused I am I just can’t tell you what it is like to have this ‘fight’, ‘argument’, with my husband.  It brings up all those old feelings.

Is he only away on work or is he gone for good again?

What was in his truck?

I must have counted pills ten times trying to find a reason for his behavior.

Why isn’t he even calling his kids?

I think he just feels like an ass and is ashamed but REGARDLESS I feel abandoned again.  Like my feelings don’t matter and like when life gets sticky he runs.  So that is when I have all this extra TIME that those replayed moments kind of get focused on when all the other times life is good and busy and I am having a good time and kind of push them back in my head and refocus.   So now my hope is I talked about it I got it out, hopefully they will stop popping up now.  There are a few of them, but that one was a big one.

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5 thoughts on “Wait Wayward, there was a reason….

      • I have to admit, you tend to give mixed signals. It’s almost like you’re repeating blog entries from 6 months again. but if you are moving forward, great!

        Just understand, it’s hard to tell what anyone is really about from a blog. We only get glimpses and flickers of what’s really happening.

      • I know. Trust me, if you saw me or knew me first hand, you’d see huge strides. I don’t cry anymore… I don’t see or hear HIM in everything. I don’t get a panic attack driving past his exit from the highway. The message tones on my phone don’t send me in hysterics anymore. I went to a concert where him and I were at and only thought of him once lol. I am making huge strides, my posts probably don’t show it though. Maybe I need to blog about the good times with my husband more… like times from our past to bring them BACK into focus….

  1. Even in the past three months it is absolutely CRAZY what you have been through. I know you’re just working through it. *HUGS*

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