Cannonball!

Okay so here is what I am going to talk to my husband about. I feel like what I need or what I am missing is to feel like a wife. I feel like I have another child.

I have to argue about safety, (like I would a teen). I feel like I must have the “what could happen to you if you do drugs” conversation all the time with a grown man. I feel like I have to worry about where he is and when he is coming home just like I would a child. I mean we all worry about our spouses when they are out, but trust me, my worry isn’t like yours. I wonder if he is dead in a ditch. Where you wonder if he is still at work and if the parking garage is safe on the way to his or her car. Not that your worry is any less than mine I’m just saying, instead of being worried for his safety, I am often worried for his life.

I do not want to sound selfish. I do not want to seem unloving. I do not want to sound like I am setting expectations that are one-sided. However, I want more.
I want to sleep knowing he is home. I want to look at him and know he is in a good mood because he is happy and not high. I want to know if he is frustrated it is because he is frustrated and not irritated because he isn’t high. I want to reverse and go back to our marriage six years or so ago. I want to put my foot down and be ‘that wife’ that says no to doing the band thing. I want to be a wife not a babysitter. The picture I found for this post is what inspired me to write this. This picture shows EXACTLY how I feel. A perfect moment. Romantic, relaxing, and with the person you love and he has to go and think about himself and frankly, (sorry), fuck it up.

I however do not fail to see my part in this. I have taken a parental role in my marriage. I have trained myself to expect the worse before seeing the best. I have put up a wall to avoid being disappointed which put up a wall in my marriage. I have seen the splash coming from the picture on this post, and seen the mess it will cause, and the mess I will have to clean up before maybe seeing the fun and playfulness that a huge wet mess could start.
Does that make sense?
It is so hard though. To want maturity and be dealing with a child like mind. It’s not even a child like mind. It is an addiction affected mind.
I just want my husband back.

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8 thoughts on “Cannonball!

  1. Hugs. It is hard to repair things when you feel that way. I hope things change for the better. Keep looking at things from every angle. You have so much strength and hope. I wish you and your family the best.

    • I agree with this comment and your post. I can identify with feeling like I’m married to someone with a child’s mentality instead of an adult’s. We can’t be the caretaker, though, and frankly we don’t want to. That’s the part they can’t always understand… I want you to be grown, mature, and care about yourself and your health as much as I do! I hope the conversation goes well. Remember to approach it from a place of love, and hopefully it will help with the defensiveness.

  2. It’s not selfish to recognize that you feel a certain way and acknowledge that you want something more. I’ve written several times about it.
    Also:
    That dude’s butt is going to hurt when he hits the bottom. Jus’ sayin.

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