Just Being Happy.

How do I feel when I see her, (his wife)? This was a question someone asked me. And that question was followed by asking me and why do you think you feel that way?

Well.

Wow.

Ummmm.

Lets see.

I feel SO many emotions.

First and foremost, I feel ashamed.
I am not the ‘affair’ having type.
I feel bad. I do, for hurting her that way.
Especially because we were friends.

Granted our friendship started with the intention of getting to see her husband more, BUT, I grew to like her. I did.

I’m ashamed that I was a shitty friend.

But I feel anger too.
I am angry she treats him the way she does.
I am angry she talks bad about him in front of him and behind his back.
I always tried to defend him when her and I were together.
That’s probably why she started to think something was up.

How many of your girlfriends defend your husband when she is venting to you? Not many.
When she told me, “He is such an idiot when it comes to raising toddlers” I’d say he’s home… he is working, he isn’t abusing them.
When she’d say he never does a fucking thing, I’d say he works two jobs, so you can stay home. (EVEN THOUGH I AM SEEING HIM SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK AT HIS SECOND JOB).
When she said, We never have sex anymore, I said maybe he is exhausted. I’m exhausted and he is pulling double the hours I am. I just never asked why or had a conversation with her like you would a girlfriend over ice cream saying yeah, he IS being an asshole for not having sex with you.

Anyway, back to the original question. I think I feel ashamed. I think I feel ashamed because I know what I did was wrong.

I think I feel angry because she treats him like shit and all I want for him is to be happy. Honestly. Thats my wish for him.

I think I feel afraid. Not of her physically, afraid if we have a verbal confrontation she is going to see right through me. Right through to my heart.

I loved him so much that I let him go.

When everything told me to stand screaming that I love him. Stand saying we should be together if we both feel the way we do.

But there was more to the story.
Relationships with history.
History worth repairing.
Children who deserve a family that can be together if there is any way possible to make that work in a healthy way.

However look at what I am seeing.
Their relationship is not healthy. Name calling and fighting in public and in front of their children. A broken husband that stops speaking and just does what he is being yelled at to do. One who is trying. He is so broken.

And our relationship which is this space. Empty. Two people that care about each other and loved perfectly at one time. To saying we want to try but never having the time to do so.
Try to understand…
I love my husband.
I want my marriage to work.
I do.
I NEED him to be here to make that happen.
I have tried to understand the work thing… I have.
HOWEVER, the problems don’t go away and the time and space only makes them harder to work through.
I’m debating asking him to quit his job.
Seriously.
How long did I pay all the bills without him? Money was tight and it sucked but it was possible.
I hate being alone.
I am a strong independent woman don’t get me wrong but life is short. I am tired of being alone.
It was being alone that caused me to make the biggest mistake of my life.
It just makes me back up and look at the big picture. Nothing really has changed other than he isn’t on my pills. He still isn’t here.

Okay. What is really bothering me? Get to the point right.

The point is this.
HE is at home with a wife who puts him down and treats him like shit, (and I’m not hearing this from him, I’ve seen it with my own eyes) and at home with his kids being an amazing dad. And I am at home alone. HERE IS MY PROBLEM: My husband didn’t even call today. Today was his daughters OUR daughters first day of second grade.

She asked me if daddy knew today was her first day of school. I told her yes. I told her daddy is working. I told her daddy loves her and is very proud of her. She fell asleep and I cried.
Fuck him. Working or not. You can fucking call.

All while HE is at home being called a fucking idiot for not knowing how to be a dad to toddlers. Yeah well he’s fucking HOME, trying.

For the first time ever I am apologizing for my post. I’m sad for my daughter, down in my attitude and yet again lonely.
I’ll be fine, I always am.

I miss him. I miss just being happy. THATS the part I miss. Not the sex, not the secrets, not the sneaking. Just. Being. Happy.

***I just re-read this and I realize it is choppy and doesn’t make sense or flow.  I’m blaming Ambien.  but I’ll fix it tomorrow.

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11 thoughts on “Just Being Happy.

  1. just my 2 cents, which is kind of worthless, so feel free to delete this comment. but perhaps you should ask him to find something different job wise, not just have him quit. an addict needs to be busy to keep from doing what they tend to do, especially when bored. maybe that’s what you meant… i dunno. and again, you do what you think is best. I’m just no one in the land of bloggers 🙂
    I’m sorry you had a rough day.

    • Thank you for reminding me that he needs this job to be clean. I have to stay focused. I need him to be clean and drug free above all else.

      It just sucks that regardless of working and clean, or not working and high, the outcome is me being alone.
      I am going to just assume it is a bad night and my head isn’t on right and my ambien is doing all this talking. I need to go to bed. I am so thankful for my blogging friends like you. Really. Thank you for reminding me of the importance of his job and his VERY involved boss in his life.

      • Anytime, dear. Perhaps you could suggest he at least search for something that wouldnt have him out of town, and in essence, leaving you alone feeling like nothing is being resolved. One job is as good as another, though, as you mentioned, he may not end up with a boss who looks out for him on the next job. That part is a bit of a coin toss.

  2. I don’t know everything about your story, but I think you have it right…he needs TO BE HOME. You guys can’t move forward like that. Are you in counseling of any kind? Marriage or individual?

    • We are in both… but lately b/c his work is out of town, the joint counseling has been on hold…. he can’t drive six hours (3 each way) to attend an hour of counseling. But I am still going to mine.

      • I can only imagine. Must not be fun for him or his wife either. At least I don’t really have much risk of running into my ex-OW. I more worry about her showing up at one of my shows to confront me or something.

  3. I think it is worth exploring your thoughts with your husband. Seeing if he would be willing to look for another job that keeps him close by and home every night. Or maybe working with his supportive boss to stay in town for jobs (I’m not sure if that is possible, or if all of their work requires him leaving town).

    I think it is probably important to his recovery that he work somewhere. Having something to do, feeling like he is helping to support his family, I would think those are positive incentives for his recovery. Having a wife who is lonely and miserable isn’t, though. There must be some way to figure out a compromise together.

  4. You sound like such a lovely and giving and intelligent woman. I am so sorry you are dealing with this internal struggle right now. I understand your conflict and wish I could offer you words of wisdom, but I can’t (fat lot of good it does for me to tell you that, huh?). My husband completely gave up on our marriage when I was working two jobs almost 5 years ago. He just stopped. He didn’t cheat, he just stopped taking care of himself completely and, in that, stopped taking care of me. I was the one who cheated. I found someone who would cherish me and to take actual care of me and my needs. I had no idea how good that would make me feel. I had no idea…

    Being with my lover taught me all about appreciation and not taking things for granted. We have been together now for almost 4 years and I appreciate him every time I see him. When I am angry at him, I take a step back and ask myself if I am being selfish and if I am truly mad at him for the right reason. So far, with all of the time that we DO get to spend together, we have only had 3 fights – 2 were actually devastating to me and helped me look inward and learn about my struggles with need, want and intimacy.

    So, I guess what I am trying to say is that: when I see my lover’s wife (or even think about her) I get JEALOUS as hell (and sad, too)! And I feel that way because she has the most wonderful and loving man, right under her nose, and she treats him like garbage. It makes me so sad to think that, instead of being treated with the respect and adoration he deserves from his m***-f***ing LIFE PARTNER he has to return to sarcasm and double-entendres each time he goes home. She strikes me as a crabby, frustrated lady that only expects him to do things for her, and is not thankful at all for his everlasting patience or his light heart and spirit. She doesn’t even notice when he does something “special” for her! And maybe because I don’t get to be with him all the time, I appreciate him so much more…

    I am sorry to my children that I have stayed in my loveless marriage. They have to watch my husband and I stuggle daily with communicating and getting along. What kind of example am I setting for them? What kind of man will they choose to be “their man”? I sure hope they make a better choice than me.

    I started reading your blog at the “truck incident” and reading you talk about your daughter and that her father didn’t even think to call on her first day of school?!?! Do you wonder sometimes if your husband wants to make this work as badly as you do? Do you wonder if maybe the reason he has that job out of town is because it’s easier to to leave you than to attempt the making-the-marriage-work-thing? If I were you, I would straight-up ask him to quit that job and explain why you need him to. Maybe he just doesn’t understand the desire you have for him to be your companion.

    I wanted to say these things to you, because it seems like you are trying to convince yourself that it’s over, but from here it looks like it’s not. Clearly, you still harbor strong feelings (protective feelings) towards the man that truly holds your heart in his hands. If you want your marriage to work, somehow you have to learn to take that power away from him and give it to your husband. I cannot do that. My husband and I have been there and done that several times and he just won’t love himself – and I am sick of having the same exact arguments over and over again (after being together for more than 20 years, you think he would know that I don’t like to sit down on a pissy toilet seat, et al). If your husband doesn’t want to cradle your heart in his hands like it’s the most valuable possession he has ever owned, all the work you are doing is a complete waste of time and you will only be disappointed and hurt in the end.

    Thank you so very much for taking the time out to read this massive “comment”. I hope you are feeling better this week and that this weekend you can have that romantic time you were hoping for. Good luck in your journey. I truly hope you find what you are looking for.

    “We all have the ability. The difference is how we use it.” ~ Stevie Wonder
    Sincerely,
    smittenwithhim

    • I loved your massive comment. Thank you for following my blog and all of your kind words. I admire having those few people that really understand because they have been there and they know I’m not this demon.

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