How do I feel when I see her, (his wife)? This was a question someone asked me. And that question was followed by asking me and why do you think you feel that way?
I feel SO many emotions.
First and foremost, I feel ashamed.
I am not the ‘affair’ having type.
I feel bad. I do, for hurting her that way.
Especially because we were friends.
Granted our friendship started with the intention of getting to see her husband more, BUT, I grew to like her. I did.
I’m ashamed that I was a shitty friend.
But I feel anger too.
I am angry she treats him the way she does.
I am angry she talks bad about him in front of him and behind his back.
I always tried to defend him when her and I were together.
That’s probably why she started to think something was up.
How many of your girlfriends defend your husband when she is venting to you? Not many.
When she told me, “He is such an idiot when it comes to raising toddlers” I’d say he’s home… he is working, he isn’t abusing them.
When she’d say he never does a fucking thing, I’d say he works two jobs, so you can stay home. (EVEN THOUGH I AM SEEING HIM SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK AT HIS SECOND JOB).
When she said, We never have sex anymore, I said maybe he is exhausted. I’m exhausted and he is pulling double the hours I am. I just never asked why or had a conversation with her like you would a girlfriend over ice cream saying yeah, he IS being an asshole for not having sex with you.
Anyway, back to the original question. I think I feel ashamed. I think I feel ashamed because I know what I did was wrong.
I think I feel angry because she treats him like shit and all I want for him is to be happy. Honestly. Thats my wish for him.
I think I feel afraid. Not of her physically, afraid if we have a verbal confrontation she is going to see right through me. Right through to my heart.
I loved him so much that I let him go.
When everything told me to stand screaming that I love him. Stand saying we should be together if we both feel the way we do.
But there was more to the story.
Relationships with history.
History worth repairing.
Children who deserve a family that can be together if there is any way possible to make that work in a healthy way.
However look at what I am seeing.
Their relationship is not healthy. Name calling and fighting in public and in front of their children. A broken husband that stops speaking and just does what he is being yelled at to do. One who is trying. He is so broken.
And our relationship which is this space. Empty. Two people that care about each other and loved perfectly at one time. To saying we want to try but never having the time to do so.
Try to understand…
I love my husband.
I want my marriage to work.
I NEED him to be here to make that happen.
I have tried to understand the work thing… I have.
HOWEVER, the problems don’t go away and the time and space only makes them harder to work through.
I’m debating asking him to quit his job.
How long did I pay all the bills without him? Money was tight and it sucked but it was possible.
I hate being alone.
I am a strong independent woman don’t get me wrong but life is short. I am tired of being alone.
It was being alone that caused me to make the biggest mistake of my life.
It just makes me back up and look at the big picture. Nothing really has changed other than he isn’t on my pills. He still isn’t here.
Okay. What is really bothering me? Get to the point right.
The point is this.
HE is at home with a wife who puts him down and treats him like shit, (and I’m not hearing this from him, I’ve seen it with my own eyes) and at home with his kids being an amazing dad. And I am at home alone. HERE IS MY PROBLEM: My husband didn’t even call today. Today was his daughters OUR daughters first day of second grade.
She asked me if daddy knew today was her first day of school. I told her yes. I told her daddy is working. I told her daddy loves her and is very proud of her. She fell asleep and I cried.
Fuck him. Working or not. You can fucking call.
All while HE is at home being called a fucking idiot for not knowing how to be a dad to toddlers. Yeah well he’s fucking HOME, trying.
For the first time ever I am apologizing for my post. I’m sad for my daughter, down in my attitude and yet again lonely.
I’ll be fine, I always am.
I miss him. I miss just being happy. THATS the part I miss. Not the sex, not the secrets, not the sneaking. Just. Being. Happy.
***I just re-read this and I realize it is choppy and doesn’t make sense or flow. I’m blaming Ambien. but I’ll fix it tomorrow.