Broken.

 

rehab it is.

people telling me he does love me that his actions are controlled.

one lady/nurse put it in a much clearer understanding.

“picture him being a puppet on a string, and controlling him , (his puppeteer) is everything bad, and the drugs make him do it.”

I’m so sad.

You should see him on day three of being admitted.

It’s heart breaking.

He just hangs on to me and sobs.

I can’t tell you what that is like or how it feels.

This strong, perfect, indedpendant, bussiness owning man that I married, who loved his wife and family is so very broken.

Very, very broken.

Leaving me with a pile of emotions in my lap.

I’m sad.

I’m hurt.

I’m disapointed in myself for not helping him fight.

I’m discouraged.

I’m lonely.

I’m exhausted.

I’m on edge.

I’m trying to be a good mom.

I’m thankful he isn’t dead.

I’m thankful his boss has agreed to pay him as if he were working, (he is THAT good of a friend), he worded it “paying him to get better”.   That in itself is a blessing.

Thing is when I look at my husband, I mean really look, I see him in there.   He is tired and broken but he is in there.

How do I get him back without giving up?  How do I reach him without dying enough not to live myself?  How do I reconnect with a man who has hurt me to the core?  How do I forgive myself for having an affair and giving up on him when he was so sick?  How many more times do I have to go through this stupid cycle before it works or ends?

 

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18 thoughts on “Broken.

  1. I know it is a struggle. It is very difficult to live with someone who wanes and waxes. You become a part of that and it is nauseating. It is hardy to feel steady when everything is in constant motion.

    It is hard to see now, and will be for at least a year, but once he has gotten some time under his belt and has faced his demons, you will see that outstanding husband once again. He IS in there. It’s like peeling an onion…you have to get through all of the layers first. Hope. Have the hope that he will get there. Be willing to be support when he needs it, but at the same time you have to get yourself together. If you aren’t together, you can’t help him.

    The two of you need help. Intensive therapy…you have too much to lose to not go into recovery full-force. No half-assing it.

    It will be tough. There will be a lot of uncomfortable work. But in the end, you will come out alive and feeling better than ever.

  2. I don’t even know what to say I feel so upset for you! The way you were writing the last few times made it seem like he was avoiding you, though. My husband is in this self-abuse spiral, too. It’s so difficult not to get pulled into it along with him.

    I’m not sure there are answers to all your questions. In your situation, my choice would be a temporary separation. There is just too much lost trust now… Like that whole: “What WERE you hiding in your truck that day I needed your help and you wouldn’t let me use it?” After he shows you that he CAN be responsible and that HE really does want to make things work too, then you can slowly start getting back into your marriage…

    I am so cynical because I have seen the cycle of self-neglect. How long will it take before he starts abusing himself again this time? What kind of example is he setting for the kids (if you have daughters, is this the type of man you want them to choose?)? How can you help him to love himself?

    Good luck, lovely spirit. My thoughts are with you…

  3. Im so sorry 😦 My Dad was an addict and ultimately died from it. I feel like my Mom gave up on him prematurely and it’s caused a lot of friction between us. I can understand your feelings and I would never want to be in your position. Im thinking of you .

    • I was just wondering. Don’t take this wrong. Do you think maybe you think your mom gave up prematurely? I just ask and wonder because I have hid a lot of it from my kids so they don’t have worry… they just think daddy is working out life…. not the drugs, pills, bands, not coming home, making mom worry…. so if I called it quits I could see how they too would think I gave up prematurely….
      I’m just wondering if your mom tried to shield you from stuff too… trying to have the best interest for you in mind….

      • Yes, I feel like she gave up prematurely, but I didn’t want to say that to you. I know how hard your position must be. And no, she didn’t shield us. She rubbed our faces in it…taking us with her to the dealer’s house when he stole my guitar for drugs. She left us in the car in front of the house and walked in saying that if she wasn’t out in 5 mins, to call the cops. I also remember one night when she didn’t know where he was, then thought he’d be at a particular bar, and took us with her to go “get him”. Although I don’t remember how that turned out…
        And then you have the 8 years after they finally divorced where ever week, she’d read the obituaries and say “Well, he’s not dead YET.”
        So…my best interest? Whatever. She fostered a hate for my Dad in me that greatly contributed to my not wanting a relationship with him. I lost practically my whole life with him, and I place a lot of blame on her. It wasn’t until after he died that I ever heard that he had a mental illness, and that was from my Grandmother. Now, given the way my Mom treats MY mental illness, I get it. She doesn’t believe in it. I’m angry, but there’s nothing I can do now, and I work a lot of that out in therapy. But I can’t get that time back with him. I don’t think I’ll ever stop being angry.

      • I am so sorry that was your childhood. That is so sad to me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t ever want them to think I gave up too soon but I would never put them through anything like that…. I just try as hard as it is to go through life like nothing has changed. We don’t go ‘looking’ for him, I don’t talk about him being ‘high on pain pills’, I don’t go try to find him when I know he is at a show… I just let him do his thing. But what happens after two years of doing that, I fall for someone… THINKING that if I talk to someone who is married too, and hurting too, we can help each other through this… I swear I only had plans for conversation… it just went somewhere else….

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