I need to get back into the swing of things and start posting again.
I don’t want to bore anyone but things aren’t really different.
My husband and I had a big fight because my printer went out and I had to go buy a new one. I had put the kids to bed and went to Target. I got half way there and realized I forgot my credit card. I turned around, came back home told my husband I forgot my card grabbed it off the desk, (where I had paid for my sons preschool curriculum, thus it being out of my wallet), and kissed him goodbye and headed BACK out the door. I was excited to find a printer on sale from 60 dollars down to 34, and it came with ink cartridges so basically the printer was a great deal. I was excited at such a save I treated myself to a super soft oversized sweater. Fall is in the air and it is my favorite time of year. I proceeded to the check out, and before leaving the store bought myself a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks. Again, another one of my favorites. I get in my car, drive the ten minutes home and come in the door. I am holding my phone, my purse, the printer and the bag with the sweater. I set all my things down and go back out to the car to retrieve my coffee. Upon coming back in my husband is standing in the kitchen looking in the Target bag. He had a funny look on his face. I said, “I bought a cute sweater, its so soft!” He turns and in a sharp voice says what took you so long, and why are you smiling? You can’t really be THAT happy over a sweater and a printer. I explained that it was nice to have a 45 minute break that included a coffee and a printer for 35 bucks with no children begging me to buy this and buy that. At this time I am heating up a roll, because I wasn’t hungry when I fed the kids earlier. He walks over to me and says, well it was more like an hour and ten minutes that you were gone if you count (and he made parenthesis marks here) “FORGETTING” your card. I looked at him and said, “what are you talking about”… he said “you never FORGET your card, it seems to me you were needing a way to find an extra 15 minutes to fuck someone which would explain why you smell like condoms.”
UMMMMMMM WHAT AND FUCK YOU.
I have a printer. I have coffee. I talked to my mom on the way to the store the first time and my sister on the way the second. I understand my actions can and will bring things like this up, but I haven’t done anything since we decided to work on us. And lets not forget that when I DID do something you had taken a hike for nearly two and a half years to be a fucking rock star. He got really quiet. I was mortified. Being accused when I had done nothing. Then I felt guilty because I had done something in the past to give him these feelings of insecurity. My fault.
So he apologized to me the next day. I was still hurt and really pissed off but in this awkward place because his feelings are my fault. I still don’t know how I smelt like condoms… ? He said the smell was on my hands when I showed him the receipt excited about the price I got the printer for.
Last night in the middle of the night he started rubbing my back and sliding his hands under my tank top. I laid there annoyed acting as if I were asleep. Seconds later he was climbing on top of me trying to kiss me and open my legs with his own. I closed my legs and just looked at him and said, I know in the past I made choices that hurt you, and I will never forgive myself for doing that to you, however, I can’t change the past and you really hurt my feelings the other day. I had done nothing. Been nowhere. Seen no one. And come home and you throw that at me. He said that he said he was sorry. I told him I knew he was sorry but that it bothers me that he would say things like that with no proof when he knows how wrong we both were in this mess and how much we both hurt each other. He at this point climbs back off of me and I roll over away from him. I was so thankful he got off of me. I found myself for the first time ever not wanting to be intimate with him. That has NEVER happened. I’m not sure what he thought about it either. Needless to say that is where we are. I don’t know why it hurts so much to be accused of something you didn’t do even if it is something you have done in the past.