Life lately

 

I need to get back into the swing of things and start posting again.

I don’t want to bore anyone but things aren’t really different.

My husband and I had a big fight because my printer went out and I had to go buy a new one.  I had put the kids to bed and went to Target.  I got half way there and realized I forgot my credit card.   I turned around, came back home told my husband I forgot my card grabbed it off the desk, (where I had paid for my sons preschool curriculum, thus it being out of my wallet), and kissed him goodbye and headed BACK out the door.   I was excited to find a printer on sale from 60 dollars down to 34, and it came with ink cartridges so basically the printer was a great deal.   I was excited at such a save I treated myself to a super soft oversized sweater.  Fall is in the air and it is my favorite time of year.   I proceeded to the check out, and before leaving the store bought myself a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks.  Again, another one of my favorites.    I get in my car, drive the ten minutes home and come in the door.   I am holding my phone, my purse, the printer and the bag with the sweater.   I set all my things down and go back out to the car to retrieve my coffee.    Upon coming back in my husband is standing in the kitchen looking in the Target bag.  He had a funny look on his face.   I said, “I bought a cute sweater, its so soft!”  He turns and in a sharp voice says what took you so long, and why are you smiling?  You can’t really be THAT happy over a sweater and a printer.   I explained that it was nice to have a 45 minute break that included a coffee and a printer for 35 bucks with no children begging me to buy this and buy that.  At this time I am heating up a roll, because I wasn’t hungry when I fed the kids earlier.   He walks over to me and says,  well it was more like an hour and ten minutes that you were gone if you count (and he made parenthesis marks here) “FORGETTING” your card.   I looked at him and said, “what are you talking about”… he said “you never FORGET your card, it seems to me you were needing a way to find an extra 15 minutes to fuck someone which would explain why you smell like condoms.”

UMMMMMMM WHAT AND FUCK YOU.

I have a printer.   I have coffee.   I talked to my mom on the way to the store the first time and my sister on the way the second.   I understand my actions can and will bring things like this up, but I haven’t done anything since we decided to work on us.  And lets not forget that when I DID do something you had taken a hike for nearly two and a half years to be a fucking rock star.  He got really quiet.    I was mortified. Being accused when I had done nothing.    Then I felt guilty because I had done something in the past to give him these feelings of insecurity.   My fault.

So he apologized to me the next day.   I was still hurt and really pissed off but in this awkward place because his feelings are my fault.  I still don’t know how I smelt like condoms… ?  He said the smell was on my hands when I showed him the receipt excited about the price I got the printer for.

Last night in the middle of the night he started rubbing my back and sliding his hands under my tank top.  I laid there annoyed acting as if I were asleep.  Seconds later he was climbing on top of me trying to kiss me and open my legs with his own.  I closed my legs and just looked at him and said, I know in the past I made choices that hurt you, and I will never forgive myself for doing that to you, however, I can’t change the past and you really hurt my feelings the other day.    I had done nothing.   Been nowhere. Seen no one.   And come home and you throw that at me.      He said that he said he was sorry.    I told him I knew he was sorry but that it bothers me that he would say things like that with no proof when he knows how wrong we both were in this mess and how much we both hurt each other.   He at this point climbs back off of me and I roll over away from him.   I was so thankful he got off of me.  I found myself for the first time ever not wanting to be intimate with him.   That has NEVER happened.     I’m not sure what he thought about it either.   Needless to say that is where we are. I don’t know why it hurts so much to be accused of something you didn’t do even if it is something you have done in the past.

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8 thoughts on “Life lately

  1. Omg!! I can’t believe he said that! I think Target smells like condoms anyways lol
    I understand your feelings. My husband never accuses me of anything, but when he gets suspicious my feelings are hurt.

  2. That’s really not nice that he accused you and it does sound like a bit of a stupid way for you to do it, surely you would just take your card and blame traffic and shopping queues if you wanted to sleep with someone? Of course it would hurt to be accused in this way, probably particularly more so due to the fact that it has happened before as it would just bring up what happened then.

  3. I’m sorry he treated you this way, but I don’t know if it had so much to do with you than him. I would bet that this came from some kind of insecurity he has or something he is ashamed of about himself in all of this. But he wanted to make you look like the bad guy because it’s too hard to look at his own bad choices in all of this. I think he looked really hard for reasons to go off on you and these mishaps on your part were the perfect opportunity. He probably convinced himself of those things while you were gone.

    You guys should sit down and go over what led up to this for him.

    • I was really looking forward to your comment. I knew you would be the one to tell me either, “this is SOOO your fault for what you did”, or “this is on him for some other reason”…. You comments always help me. We for sure need to talk. Now we’ve entered that awkward “not talking, not fighting” phase… where all sides know we were a bit wrong or handled it wrong but talking now is just, …. awkward… and I’m not going to lie, I’m pissed and his words hurt. I feel like my mistake was that the man I had an affair with was married. THAT was wrong. Granted I was married but who wouldn’t flirt or talk to someone after being alone for two years? Yeah, I should have gotten divorced first BUT I had no idea what ended up happening was going to happen. I just wish he’d understand what it was like for two years here without him. I didn’t divorce him because I wanted him to wake up. Now he is awake and we have all this shit to deal with. However, I have to say I can’t imagine what it would have been like if he had woke up and he was the only one who had messed up. The blame would have all been on him making it very one sided. The fact that I messed up too has been (maybe a blessing????) to be able to say we were BOTH wrong, and we BOTH made mistakes, and we BOTH have to fix this, and our actions affected us BOTH…. does that make sense. It has made it a very two sided fair situation. So I hate to say maybe my affair was a good thing, (because its never a good thing) but I think its easy to point fingers in a marriage when only one person messes up and that is soooo not the case in our marriage. Wow… this subject could be its own post. Thanks for always commenting. I appreciate you!

  4. Well, I think that you had reason to do what you did and I agree that the biggest part of what you did that was wrong was that you did it with a married man. I can’t say that I wouldn’t have done the same thing as you if I had been abandoned/neglected by my husband for TWO YEARS. That is a long-ass time to go without something you really need and that you had been getting regularly. It hurts to not feel important enough to him to stay with you and not resort to drugs, etc. I really do understand how you wound up with another man. It just hurts me that he was married. Do I hold that against you? No.

    And the two of you need to do the same with each other. You have to leave the past in the past in order to get better. Acknowledge how your lack of addressing issues appropriately led you to make the poor choices that you made, but that’s it. Focus on what you will do NOW – in the present – in order to improve your relationship with yourself and with each other.

    In 6 months you two will be in a much better place – as long as you continue to focus on doing the work it takes to get better. Hang in there. I know it sucks now and it always does; no one bounces back after this unscathed. We all have our emotional wounds and those are the worst.

  5. Oh, what a terrible thing to hear. But I will second the opinions that it’s because of his insecurity. And it’s not about whether it’s right or wrong, whether it’s justified, whether it makes sense… insecurity is in our subconscious and it’s damn hard to rationalise.
    I hope you’ll both pull through it x

  6. That is heart breaking. I’m so sorry to hear it and I totally understand. I feel like everyone has a right to feel hurt and skeptical if they are put in that situation. It doesn’t erase all those years that you were faithful, on top of the circumstances under which the situation happened. The time frame makes fooling around completely illogical. It kills me that he didn’t slow down and think it through before running his mouth. I hope things turn for you both soon.
    Hugs
    OOO

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