And he is gone. Again.

I want to make it work with you.

You who keeps hurting me.

You who chooses little white pills over my big red heart.

You want me to think only of you,

that is so hard to do when you often are gone.

You want me to only want you,

that is so hard to do when you hurt me time and time again.

You want me to remember the us we had.

That memory is fading, it seems so long ago and like an entire different life.

You want me to change for you, and forget HIM,

You want the high that comes with destroying your family.

You want me to be honest about my feelings for HIM,

You want to lie about your addictions.

You want both worlds to work for you, your addictions and your family to work together,

and we are supposed to sit back and watch you ruin your life.

You need to realize I am so close to moving on.

I miss that feeling of being happy.

 

I miss the wanting to put someone ahead of myself, because of caring for them so much.

I am so scared to love you fully that you will trample the only tiny bit of my heart left.

I was pissed to find the lock to my safe all scratched up.

Yep, I noticed that.

You just need it so bad.

There is nothing in there.  I flushed everything.

I wonder if you got in and found the empty bottles and the note to you.

It read:

“When you do this stuff do you think of us at all?”

Might explain why you left Saturday and I haven’t heard from you since.

I told you.  You’d run when what you needed was no longer here.

 

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8 thoughts on “And he is gone. Again.

      • I know. I totally get this. I think that’s why I asked.

        If the camel is down the highway 25 miles, then make a new straw.

        For you and your husband’s sake. And this time, mean it.

        But…life is never that simple, is it? I mean, there’s the kids, there’s the house…it would mess everything up more (?) to be “final” like that…or would it?

        So then…where does it end? Where does it begin? You don’t sound to me like you are emotionally able to continue with the perverbial camel so far behind you…so making a new straw can’t make it any harder than it is now.

        You need to know that this is not easy for me to say. I am not in your shoes. My heart empathizes, but it does not feel your pain or weakness or longing or betrayal. I wish so badly that I was one of your friends who could just sit with you and offer more. But here I am.

        New straw. Do it for your kids who deserve a mom who is more than just a shell.

  1. Aw, man. 😦 I am so sorry for your struggles. I know that all you want is to be happy and living with someone who is newly (trying) to recover from an addiction is difficult, add on to that all of the other issues the two of you created for yourselves and it makes things so complex. It may just be easier – and perhaps better – to recover alone. Both of you. And that will take some time before you could ever consider a relationship with him again.

    It sounds like enough has been enough for you. If you need to vent, feel free to email me: journeyaftertheaffair@gmail.com

  2. So sorry you are dealing with that. I have no words. Living with an addict is so terribly difficult, especially when they aren’t fully committed to recovery. I hope that you can find some peace, no matter what happens.

  3. I am so so sorry :((( I don’t know what to say… you are so strong, and I am the last one to tell you what to do… you have to find it in your own heart, if there is still (good) love in you, or is it only the toxic love that will always make you unhappy…

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