Several bloggers I know have blogged on this very topic. For example Recovering Wayward blogged THIS. I guess today is my day. The way I feel about my current situation changes every single day. I think that is what makes this so hard. You have to have a goal in place to help not focus on the triggers. About February of this year I was a hot mess. I call it a hot mess because I was beyond just a mess. I didn’t know what to do. All I could do was cry behind closed doors. This man who seemed perfect to me was gone. I was devastated, embarrassed, ashamed, insecure, angry, hurt, broken, lost you name it, I felt it. I remember seeing him in absolutely EVERYTHING. Everything was a memory of something he said, something we did, somewhere we went, something we had talked about. The case now is that is still the case but it isn’t all day long or even every day. The really important stuff or ‘awkward’ stuff sticks out. When I used to see something that acted as an emotional trigger I used to just loose it. I had to go cry behind a closed door. I felt this ache at the pit of my being that made me feel like everything was over forever. Now, eight months later, I still see those things, feel those feelings, but I am able to acknowledge them, and remember him for a second. Tell myself I hope he is happy. Somehow, in eight months, I have found the ability to continue what I was doing with a smile on my face that for a second he came to mind.
For example. He liked lemon in his coke.
I used to grab him coke and would ask for a lemon for him.
After our affair, coke and lemon sent me into tears because I remembered how impressed he was when I remembered lemon when he said his wife never did. He said she would just say “oh I forgot that,” and he said it was fine he could still drink it without, but he was impressed that she after seventeen years couldn’t remember that (or probably just didn’t want to take the time to order/grab one) but that I did after just a couple months. Little things.
So the other day I ordered an ice tea. The waitress asked if I would like it with Lemon. I said no. My son said, “Mom get the lemon and I will put it in my coke” The waitress just said, I’ll just put lemon in your coke. And it hit me. A smile crossed my face. I thought to myself what a simple smile filled memory. Ordered my food and that was it. No tears. No instant feeling sick. No devastation. THAT right there I feel is huge. THAT right there took me EIGHT months to be able to do.
I don’t think remembering is a bad thing. I think it goes hand in hand with healing.
Now I will say there are some triggers that are devastating. The deep ones that hurt. Those will take me a while longer. Some of those are about moments that I haven’t even shared with you guys yet. Maybe one day I can get there. I’m just saying there are still some things that if I saw or heard or felt I think I’d still be in tears.
It is so crazy how simple a trigger can be. A place. A sound. A smell. A number. And you can’t go one single day with out a couple of them. And they bring soooo many emotions to the table. I can end up happy, sad, hurt, longing for him, missing him, relieved its over, it just makes me feel every emotion imaginable. My point is, it DOES get easier. One step at a time. And I can say in eight months its a tad better! So in another eight months who knows where I will be in the healing process. 🙂