One finger thats all it takes

This picture hit me.  Plucked that heartstring.  Caused that heartstring to vibrate to my inner core.   Why you may ask?   This exact type of touching occurred all the time with HIM and I.   Simple.  Relaxed.   Casual.  Slight.  Erotic.   Okay so some of you see an index finger and think Erotic?  Really?  That one finger, one trace, one slight, light suggestion immediately caused me to bite my lip and caused my pulse to be found in other areas of my body.  It caused anxiety and total calmness to occur at the same time.   It caused my peripheral vision to disappear.  Caused everything on my mind to go blank.   Everything surrounding me would disappear.  Sound went away.  My focus landed on breathing and my heartbeat.   I love that ‘things’ starting with HIM was never stripping or anything that had any sort of effort.   It started as simple as a touch.   It made me realize that when couples talk about or argue about foreplay to ‘get each other in the mood’  I didn’t have that with him.  Not that we didn’t ‘play’ just we didn’t have to ‘work’ or ‘play’ to become aroused.   Just being touched by him sent me there.

I don’t think it had anything to do with the excitement of an affair, the ‘possibility’ to be caught.  Even that went away.   We were relaxed.  Serious. Funny. Real. Raw.  Truthful and realistic.   No expectations of where it would ever go and Loving where it always went.   Sometimes sex would happen and sometimes it wouldn’t.   Either way we had an awesome time.   The conversations we had I loved.   I felt like he held me and my attention in a conversation.   I felt like I was having a intelligent conversation.   I know that sounds horrible, but with my husband I can’t say the same thing.   My husband would always say things like, uh huh.  Yep.  I see.   One word answers or understandings.   HE would talk to me.  Comment back.  In ways that made me think, and get this, talk more.  Before I knew it it would be late and all we had done was talked.   I love that.   This two or three hour conversation laying in his lap in a limo with him playing with my hair.   I think that is what I miss.   Do not get me wrong, the sex was amazing and better than I have ever had, but I miss the friendship, the conversation.  The feeling like someone WANTED to hear what I had to say.  Someone who might talk to me to get me to see another side verses telling me I’m wrong.   It just goes back to that respect thing.   Just found myself thinking after seeing this one picture.   Touches that he was so good at doing.  Under tables.  In dim lit limo’s in the most beautiful locations.  At baseball games.    I remember one time that comes to mind.   We had gone to a baseball game, his family and mine.   After the game we came back to my house and made dinner.  Simple burgers and hot dogs.   After dinner we played catch, (the baseball thing kind of played a roll in starting this).   Anyway my son got his glove and mine and asked me to play catch.   Well HE had his baseball glove in the car because he had taken it to the game to catch a fly ball.   So HE goes out to get his glove.  He comes back and my son, HIM and I are playing catch in this triangle.  Soon my sons friends shows up so my son decides he is done playing catch.  We, (he and I) are still throwing the ball back and forth.  His wife is sitting on the deck with all the girls and we only threw the ball once or twice more because my son had stopped.   He walked over to me after he caught the ball.   His back to his wife he hands me the ball and says “Hey, thanks, that was fun!”  As he put the ball in my glove he took that paralyzing index finger and ran it down my forearm.  I know it sounds lame.   I know it sounds like high school.   But He made me so aware of the way things felt.  At that moment sound faded, everything around me was gone.  Only brought back by one second later, the ball plopping in my glove.

That is what I miss.   His ability to seriously move me to forgetting what is around me with just one touch.  If even for a split second.

 

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14 thoughts on “One finger thats all it takes

  1. OMG.. Your situation sounds a lot like mine. Our families are so close and we do a lot together. I am trying to stop the affair but everytime we are together he touches me in a way that sends chills up my spine and makes my heart jump. It is scary and I know it needs to stop. Like you say…sometimes it only takes a stroke of a finger on my arm.

  2. It is extremely dangerous to romanticize memories like this. I don’t have any thoughts or advice, but one hundred thousand red flags whip in the wind when you remember. Will it ever be simple again? Will he ever just be a part of your past and you look at pictures like this and move on? It feels like you are flogging a dead horse. Either it is meant to be and it’s only a matter of time or you need to stop giving yourself permission to go there.

    • They are memories. They are not going anywhere. I wish it was as easy to forget. Personally remembering things and thinking the situation through and all of the positives and negatives is what has helped me move on.

      • and I must say I think it is okay to go there. It is all part of healing. Maybe if I keep thinking about it, it will get old to think about. Thats kind of how it has worked for me anyway.

      • Ok…I’m trying to understand. For me, it would not be ok to write things like this. In order to cope, I have turned my shame into digust and anger towards the OM , and made sure to burn my bridges to make him get over me easily (after all, who fantasizes about a bitch?) It makes it easier.

      • I don’t want to be a bitch to him. I don’t want to be a bitch to anyone. That isn’t my character. I’m not going to lie to myself about him or who he was, and I certainly don’t ever want to be remembered or thought of badly by him. I guess I’m just not that kind of person. I don’t ever want to be like SHE is in the mind (for example) of Recovering Wayward. He is dealing with a psycho. I don’t ever want to be thought of that way.

      • That totally makes sense to me. I’m not that kind of person either. I’m not the kind of person who cheats on her husband. But I did some things that were outside of character for a time. And I will do anything it takes not to go back there again…and although it is not likely the best way, it’s just another way.

      • I won’t go back either but I am not going to give anyone a false sense of my character. I’ve worked to hard to have the character I do. I don’t want to tarnish that, even to him. But your words make sense to me.

      • Sometimes I’m amazed that there are so many different approaches to healing. When I read your words, they become real to me…and I understand them on an emotional level, and I guess that’s what scares me most. You are moving on and processing in your way. I am fighting a war (with myself?) and refuse to acknowledge that it was real. I’m working on a post right now just to try to figure it all out, but I doubt I will post it. Just trying to find words for my choices.

      • Sometimes I’m amazed that there are so many different approaches to healing. When I read your words, they become real to me…and I understand them on an emotional level, and I guess that’s what scares me most. You are moving on and processing in your way. I am fighting a war (with myself?) and refuse to acknowledge that it was real. I’m working on a post right now just to try to figure it all out, but I doubt I will post it. Just trying to find words for my choices.

      • everybody does it differently. Its what ever helps you. Some people have to get burned, some people have to see someone else hurt. Some people have to write, some people have to have therapy. As long as you are doing SOMETHING, it will be okay.

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