Tied to trust issues.

Trust issues.

Trust issues suck.

How do you deal with them?

I am sure you have had to deal with some form of trust issues EVEN if you have never been wrapped up in an affair.  Everyone does.   I have issues trusting my eighteen year old daughter because I have caught her in so many lies and attempts sneaking out.   Trust issues can affect any relationship.

My husband has never ever ONCE made a comment about trusting me.   He hasn’t.   He has never asked me about if I find any of my clients attractive.  He never acts weird or questions me when a male complements me or flirts with me. I appreciate that because men are 50% of our worlds population I’d be hosed if every time a man came with in my day if my husband got weird about it.   FOR EXAMPLE.  I felt weird when I noticed after my update to my iphone yesterday that it added ALL of my facebook contacts to my phone contacts.   All of their phone numbers and email addresses.  At first I freaked.  I had all of these phone numbers of men I went to high school and college with IN MY PHONE.   What if my husband saw?  What would he think?  Would he believe me?  I quickly thought to myself, “well THIS is what you get to deal with because you decided to have an affair.”   I felt sick.  It was completely innocent.   COMPLETELY.   Yet I had anxiety and worried about what he would think and how he would feel.   So we are sitting at the kitchen table, and I had my phone in my hand.   I said, I wonder if Apple or facebook will get in trouble over this, and explained the situation on my phone.  I said that I think your information should be made public with facebook if you choose to make it public NOT if you choose to block it.   Its backwards.  The info is out there to start with.  So I told him now my contacts are three times longer with people I haven’t seen since school and I have to deal with the mess now on my client mailing forms.   I made it sound like it was going to be a royal pain in the ass, (which it is going to be, but I’ll deal).   So he looks at his phone and is shocked.   He said yeah, it is on mine too.   I was relieved.   However, I originally was fearful.   His joke was so now when I make you mad you can call your old prom date and tell him what an asshole I am.   I just looked at him and said based on our current situation that isn’t funny.  He just smiled at me.

So where I was originally going with this post is my trust issues with MY husband.

I feel so guilty and like a horrible wife.

I think the facebook/iphone thing happened for a reason.   Here is why:

The other day my husband said he was hurting.

He begged me to take him home we were at the mall.

He cried in the front seat.

I. WAS. PISSED.

Every time he says he has pain, he steals my pills.   Every time he is in pain he asks me for “JUST ONE” pill.   His pain INSTANTLY pisses me off because it brings up all those feelings.   Feelings of him stealing from me.  Feelings of him lying to me.  Feelings of him leaving.   Feelings of him choosing his dumb ass band friends over his kids and wife.   Feelings of being less important than music.   Feelings of him blaming my daughter for taking my pills in the very beginning.   Feelings of not TRUSTING him.

Here is this grown man crying in my front seat in pain, not asking for my pills but BEGGING me to take him to the hospital.   And I drove home.   Yes I am horrible. I said why when we have a good day do you do this to me.  We share a day- a fun day.  I try and forget everything you’ve done to me and my affair, and the day is awesome and at the end of it pain comes into play and runs all the good away.

He said he wasn’t asking me for pills he was asking me to take him to the hospital.

I felt bad here.  Because THAT is different.

I go and get my shoes pissed off.  I put them back on and grab my keys and yell at him to get in the car as I say very loudly that I am FUCKING SICK OF YOUR PAIN.  I am sick of what your pain has done to me.  He is standing there holding his testicles, (sorry if that is TMI), crying.    All he could say was I’m sorry, I’m sorry can we just go please?

Where did my sympathy go?  Where did my empathy go?  When did it become so easy to not be caring and loving for this man?   I pick up my purse.   He walks to the bathroom and says he is going to pee first.

OH MY GOD the screaming began.  He seriously almost passed out.  There in the toilet is a stone.   I am not joking when I say it looked like a goat head, (the annoying weed that gets stuck in the bottom of your shoes when you walk through a field).   They look like a ball with stickers coming out of all sides.  That is what this looked like at the bottom of the toilet.   Just like that he was fine.

I felt horrible.

They compare this to childbirth.

I didn’t help him.

I doubted him.

I just fell to the floor on my knees crying.  Apologizing.  He told me it didn’t hurt now minus the burning from that thing passing.   And that he deserves these kinds of things for what he did to me.   I said no one deserves this.  I need to put all of this behind me if this is going to work.   I don’t know why I can’t.    I hear that you are hurting and I start moving double time to get my wall up.   And it is always when our day has been so good so I feel like you bring up pain or ask for pills because we have gotten along so well which would give you a better chance at getting them, or me not being ‘as mad’ because we had a good day.  When in all reality it makes me feel like you try and have a good day with me, (use me) to get pills from me.    It JUST all sucks.

One of my blogging friends is dealing with this right now too.  It can happen on either side.   Her story/occurrence is here.  It just makes me realize that no matter WHAT side you are on, or WHOS fault it is, that trust issues that are caused from past issues will always affect us.   How do we see that and move on and heal?  How do we not let those issues get ahold of our relationships, our marriages and our futures?  We have faith.  I have faith that my husband isn’t going to fuck me over.  Again.   Up and down.  This roller coaster never stops.  Until it does, and then you are dead.   I think I’ll choose to ride.

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14 thoughts on “Tied to trust issues.

  1. This is going to come off as horrible, so .. fair warning. ..and I promise I won’t take offense of you call me a bitch for it. But please don’t write me off until you’ve read it all.

    Addicts… unless they are literally dying… I’m-talking 3rd-degree-burns-over
    -most-of-the-body-dying, need to STAY AWAY from pain pills. PERIOD.

    If you’d taken him to the hospital, they would have probably given him some sort of pain pill via a shot or a pill, and then sent him home and told him it would pass. That’s all they do for kidney stones. Yes, its possible that that they would do an ultrasound to make sure it was small enough to pass through the system, but as long as it is, despite the pain, you are pretty much expected to just deal until it’s expelled.

    Is it painful?? HELL YES! Like you said, it’s somewhat comparable to child birth. HOWEVER, women give birth without medication ALL.THE.TIME. and live to tell about it. Will medication make it easier? Yes. But an addict no longer has that option.

    How can I sit here like a judgmental pain in the ass and say this? I am an addict. Not by choice, and the circumstances were completely out of my control. I have had multiple MAJOR back surgeries, among other significant procedures, (but the back surgery is where it started). During my first surgery at the age of 16, I had my first contact with narcotics. I’d been a very healthy person up to this point so I’d never had anything stronger than the occasional antibiotic and tylenol. I’d never touched cigarettes or recreational drugs either. As is the typical treatment following surgery, I was put on a morphine pump via my IV. I was on a steady drip as well as having the option to push the hand held device to give myself an extra push every 20 minutes if I felt like I needed it. I usually used my “extra push” about once an hour. It is important to realize that not only was this physician prescribed after a major procedure, but I was not even close to maxing out my maximum allowed dosage.
    Again, per the usual treatment practices, they took me off the morphine pump and put me on hydrocodone pills about 3 days later. Within minutes of the pump being taken away, my system went nuts. I don’t even know how to describe it. Everyone assumed I had just moved the wrong way, and had accidentally caused myself terrible pain so they gave me a low dose of morphine in addition to the hydrocodone pills I’d just taken. The awful pain subsided for a bit. But not long. As time progressed, my pain symptoms got worse, and I began to jerk uncontrollably. It took some time, but the Dr’s eventually figured out that in the short period of time that I had been on the morphine pump, my body had become addicted. It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t their fault. It just happened. I happen to have a body chemistry that does not tolerate narcotics in a normal way.
    The only thing to do was to put me back on the morphine pump again, and slowly, over time, wean me off of it. It worked. And let me tell you… the pain of seizures after a major back surgery HURTS. BUT… once my system was weaned off the morphine, I REFUSED the hydrocodone. I did not want to go through the same issues all over again with a different drug. I went to straight Tylenol. Nothing stronger. IT HURT. ALL THE TIME. Tylenol occasionally took the edge off. Sometimes it didn’t even do that.
    In the surgeries that followed, as a matter of necessity, I had to go on a morphine pump for a few days, but was weaned off slowly again to avoid the withdrawls. If they wean me too quickly, the convulsions start. After that, I WILL NOT TAKE anything other stronger than Tylenol. I tried a pill narcotic once…. same issues as the morphine. And yes, it makes the surgery pain subside while I am on them, but it is NOT worth becoming dependent on them.

    I do not say the following lightly, and believe me, it is no exaggeration. I have lived EVERY DAY of the last 13 years in some kind of pain. It varies from just annoying to unbearable. BUT, knowing my own body chemistry, I WILL NOT allow myself to take strong drugs of any type to combat the pain.

    Your husband needs a freaking wake-up call. It is not IMPOSSIBLE to go through things that FEEL like they will kill you, but in reality are just extremely painful and not life-threatening without a pain medication.

    He is an addict. Period
    He has lost the right to use pain medication that has even the remote possibility to lead him down the road to relapse. PERIOD.

    YOU, my dear, should NOT feel bad for not taking him to the hospital. I understand it is difficult to watch him be in actual pain, but his lies and bullshit (sorry) caused this situation. It has very little to do with losing your ability to empathize, and more to do with the likelyhood of relapse if you had granted his request. Is it unfortunate that the mere mention of pain triggers an angry emotional response from you? Sure. Is it something you can work on? Probably. But HE HAS GOT TO FIGURE OUT, PAIN IS NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO WARRANT MEDS! Not from you. And not from a hospital.

    ….. end of rant.
    … sorry that I wrote an entire book 🙂
    … I hope you don’t hate me…

    • I don’t hate you. I hope he can one day be as strong as you. What I hated was not his needing pain meds, it was my heart not feeling for him. We have kaiser insurnace our doctor records are our hospital records. My doctor knows about his problem. I know is ‘issue’ is in the charts so I really don’t know what they would have done. My post wasn’t really that I didn’t give him meds or take him to the hospital. It is that I am heart broken that I have lost compassion for him. Thats it. Can you be married w/o compassion? Can you love someone without compassion? How do you get compassion back when you have no trust? I’m working on it and I don’t think you are a bitch. Tough love I get.

  2. Don’t beat yourself up … your reaction was totally understandable. We’re all still learning about how this love/trust thing works.

  3. I don’t know if you remember or not, but I too am a recovering pain med addict. It too began with a surgery and then another, etc.

    I pass stones regularly. And I’ve had homebirths, without pain medications with babies over 9 pounds. I have arthritis in my neck. I suffer from chronic migraines.

    I agree with the other side, but I also understand why you were upset with yourself too. You’ve become numb to his “pain” because you don’t know what is real and what isn’t.

    I’ve had to find alternative ways of treating my pain when I do have it. i.e. when I had my stomach surgery last year for ulcers, I had an epidural for pain relief and then torodol. When I have a migraine that I just can’t handle and my rescue meds don’t work, I get a shot of torodol. I’ve also started botox injections which have been life saving for me. I’ve done steroid injections in my neck to help with the arthritis pain. i.e. I avoid narcotics at all cost. I have to. If I don’t and there are pain meds, I don’t know that I can avoid the temptation to misuse them, though I’ve been off them for 4 years. I can *say* I’d use them correctly, but I also know the temptation.

    I know what it’s like to say, wow I threw my neck/back out. I could easily go and get vicodin or percocet. I know the ways of how to go about getting meds. But, if I give in to that temptation, all bets are off.

    Shortly after this recent DDay, I threw my neck out. BAD. My husband even suggested going to my doctor. Oh how I was tempted. But I refused. Because I know the emotional pain I’m in right now and it’d be so so easy to just escape for a little while. Instead I used a rice sock, tylenol and motrin, stayed in bed and sucked it up. Within 3 days I was somewhat back to normal. It was torture for 3 days, but the reality is I did it.

    FWIW I know exactly what those stones look like, LOL. I’ve saved a few (for testing) and I’ve also made my husband feel how sharp and hard they are. I had one that was like a double. Two stuck together. THAT friggen hurt. I have several floating around in both kidney’s because I’m on topomax (anti-seizure medication) for my migraines. I increase my water intake, I drink it with lemon because the citrus helps break the stones up and when I AM passing a stone I move. A lot. Because it helps move it faster. I had one last year that they were about to go in and blast out before my surgery but I managed to pass on my own. They even put me on some medication for men for their prostate (to make them pee). Possible side effect? prolonged erections. I’m still waiting for my erection though. *sigh*.

    • When I have been told for a few years now that he is hurting and he takes pills, and steals from me, and blames my daughter it is IMPOSSIBLE to see, (or believe) him when he is REALLY hurting. Its hard to believe someone when they are telling the truth one time in a thousand, and the other 999 times he acted as if he was hurting and in pain too, when he had been caught stealing them.

  4. This post reminds me of the way you described the OM being treated by his wife. The lack of compassion, the anger, the trust issues. A lot of pain that needs healing. Try not to be hard on yourself. Your a good person who is dealing with a lot on your plate.

    • Wow. That stung a little to hear you say that. I am not saying this because it is me, (or saying it because you are comparing me to her), however I do not put my husband down to his friends, my friends and call him a piece of shit in front of others with him standing there. I do NOT call him names in front of his children, I do not sit on my ass and allow my husband to do EVERYTHING even with guests over, and I most certainly do not spit on my husband. I do however curse occasionally when the most painful issue that caused EVERY issue in our marriage arrises. I do (because I am human) hurt when salt is rubbed again in an open wound. I am trying not to be hard on myself, (thank you for reminding me), and I agree I DO have a lot on my plate.

      • I’m sorry if I upset you with what I said. The wording came out differently then what I was trying to get across. His wife is dealing with trust issues because of his affair and your dealing with trust issues due to drugs. Both trust issues can cause people to act in not so nice ways and very understandably so. I wasn’t putting you down

      • LOL Okay! I thought you meant the way I treated my husband was similar to how she treats her husband. I was sad!!!! lol. I thought OH MY GOD, I hope that isn’t how I come across because she is HORRIBLE to him LOLOL. I fully understand what you meant now.

  5. Wow…just wow. Thank you so much for your honesty. I think you are an amazing woman or incredible character. We all make mistakes, and sometimes people tend to forget to be kind, for everyone is fighting their own battles too. Thanks for sharing yours. ❤

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