Trust issues suck.
How do you deal with them?
I am sure you have had to deal with some form of trust issues EVEN if you have never been wrapped up in an affair. Everyone does. I have issues trusting my eighteen year old daughter because I have caught her in so many lies and attempts sneaking out. Trust issues can affect any relationship.
My husband has never ever ONCE made a comment about trusting me. He hasn’t. He has never asked me about if I find any of my clients attractive. He never acts weird or questions me when a male complements me or flirts with me. I appreciate that because men are 50% of our worlds population I’d be hosed if every time a man came with in my day if my husband got weird about it. FOR EXAMPLE. I felt weird when I noticed after my update to my iphone yesterday that it added ALL of my facebook contacts to my phone contacts. All of their phone numbers and email addresses. At first I freaked. I had all of these phone numbers of men I went to high school and college with IN MY PHONE. What if my husband saw? What would he think? Would he believe me? I quickly thought to myself, “well THIS is what you get to deal with because you decided to have an affair.” I felt sick. It was completely innocent. COMPLETELY. Yet I had anxiety and worried about what he would think and how he would feel. So we are sitting at the kitchen table, and I had my phone in my hand. I said, I wonder if Apple or facebook will get in trouble over this, and explained the situation on my phone. I said that I think your information should be made public with facebook if you choose to make it public NOT if you choose to block it. Its backwards. The info is out there to start with. So I told him now my contacts are three times longer with people I haven’t seen since school and I have to deal with the mess now on my client mailing forms. I made it sound like it was going to be a royal pain in the ass, (which it is going to be, but I’ll deal). So he looks at his phone and is shocked. He said yeah, it is on mine too. I was relieved. However, I originally was fearful. His joke was so now when I make you mad you can call your old prom date and tell him what an asshole I am. I just looked at him and said based on our current situation that isn’t funny. He just smiled at me.
So where I was originally going with this post is my trust issues with MY husband.
I feel so guilty and like a horrible wife.
I think the facebook/iphone thing happened for a reason. Here is why:
The other day my husband said he was hurting.
He begged me to take him home we were at the mall.
He cried in the front seat.
I. WAS. PISSED.
Every time he says he has pain, he steals my pills. Every time he is in pain he asks me for “JUST ONE” pill. His pain INSTANTLY pisses me off because it brings up all those feelings. Feelings of him stealing from me. Feelings of him lying to me. Feelings of him leaving. Feelings of him choosing his dumb ass band friends over his kids and wife. Feelings of being less important than music. Feelings of him blaming my daughter for taking my pills in the very beginning. Feelings of not TRUSTING him.
Here is this grown man crying in my front seat in pain, not asking for my pills but BEGGING me to take him to the hospital. And I drove home. Yes I am horrible. I said why when we have a good day do you do this to me. We share a day- a fun day. I try and forget everything you’ve done to me and my affair, and the day is awesome and at the end of it pain comes into play and runs all the good away.
He said he wasn’t asking me for pills he was asking me to take him to the hospital.
I felt bad here. Because THAT is different.
I go and get my shoes pissed off. I put them back on and grab my keys and yell at him to get in the car as I say very loudly that I am FUCKING SICK OF YOUR PAIN. I am sick of what your pain has done to me. He is standing there holding his testicles, (sorry if that is TMI), crying. All he could say was I’m sorry, I’m sorry can we just go please?
Where did my sympathy go? Where did my empathy go? When did it become so easy to not be caring and loving for this man? I pick up my purse. He walks to the bathroom and says he is going to pee first.
OH MY GOD the screaming began. He seriously almost passed out. There in the toilet is a stone. I am not joking when I say it looked like a goat head, (the annoying weed that gets stuck in the bottom of your shoes when you walk through a field). They look like a ball with stickers coming out of all sides. That is what this looked like at the bottom of the toilet. Just like that he was fine.
I felt horrible.
They compare this to childbirth.
I didn’t help him.
I doubted him.
I just fell to the floor on my knees crying. Apologizing. He told me it didn’t hurt now minus the burning from that thing passing. And that he deserves these kinds of things for what he did to me. I said no one deserves this. I need to put all of this behind me if this is going to work. I don’t know why I can’t. I hear that you are hurting and I start moving double time to get my wall up. And it is always when our day has been so good so I feel like you bring up pain or ask for pills because we have gotten along so well which would give you a better chance at getting them, or me not being ‘as mad’ because we had a good day. When in all reality it makes me feel like you try and have a good day with me, (use me) to get pills from me. It JUST all sucks.
One of my blogging friends is dealing with this right now too. It can happen on either side. Her story/occurrence is here. It just makes me realize that no matter WHAT side you are on, or WHOS fault it is, that trust issues that are caused from past issues will always affect us. How do we see that and move on and heal? How do we not let those issues get ahold of our relationships, our marriages and our futures? We have faith. I have faith that my husband isn’t going to fuck me over. Again. Up and down. This roller coaster never stops. Until it does, and then you are dead. I think I’ll choose to ride.