My wifes blog.
She was logged on while at a baseball game.
Wow. To read this. Her words. Her feelings. My actions.
My actions lead to someone loving her more than I ever did.
Well that isnt true. I still love her so much.
I don’t know what I think about people being able to read about my faults.
Guess I shouldn’t have given her something to talk about.
I wish I knew how to see how many people can read this. Anyone?
I wonder if she will be mad that I figured out how to post on this.
If she reads this I want her to know somethings. Can you read your own blog?
If you read this C (maybe I shouldnt use your name) I want you to know I love you.
I have a problem. I am trying to fix it. It consumes me.
This sounds messed up but I am glad you found B. I’m glad someone could make you happy when I couldn’t. I am glad you had someone. You deserved to have someone. I have managed to fuck everything up. Time and time again. I hope anyone who reads your blog knows you are not a bad person. you are an excellent person. An amazing mother. And you were a perfect wife when I treated you like a husband should.
I cant tell you what pills do to me. I know you don’t understand how they have more importantce than you, i don’t even understand that either. I feel like someone other than me makes me swallow them. I have this constant battle in my mind and heart and it is always over you. my head telling me to swallow and my heart telling me to grow up and be a man and claim my family. My wife.
I remember when you respected me like I was the most important thing in the world. You say it is because I treated you that way too. I would do anything to get back to that place. I just think I have hurt you too much. You are beautiful, kind, patient, loving, and way to good for me.
If I ran into B, I truly think I would thank him for loving you when I was an asshole and couldn’t. At least I know you were happy during my unhappiest of times.
I watch you sleeping and wonder how I could have hurt you so much. Wonder how you have found it in you to forgive me time and time again. Wonder how you managed to keep our home, keep it clean, keep the kids in sports, attend those sports, get them to all their activities and keep our house clean and the yard work done. While I was where? Half the time I don’t even remember. 30 pills would last me a day maybe two.
You took your retirement money and put me in rehab. I blew that.
I feel as though I blew everything. Please know if I knew how to make my heart speak louder than my mind we would be perfect.