I found this in my draft folder. CRAP. Guess he didn’t know how to post it? Or maybe he wasn’t done.

My wifes blog.

She was logged on while at a baseball game.

Wow.  To read this.  Her words.  Her feelings.  My actions.

My actions lead to someone loving her more than I ever did.

Well that isnt true.  I still love her so much.

I don’t know what I think about people being able to read about my faults.

Guess I shouldn’t have given her something to talk about.

I wish I knew how to see how many people can read this.   Anyone?

I wonder if she will be mad that I figured out how to post on this.

If she reads this I want her to know somethings.   Can you read your own blog?

If you read this C (maybe I shouldnt use your name) I want you to know I love you.

I have a problem.   I am trying to fix it.   It consumes me.

This sounds messed up but I am glad you found B.    I’m glad someone could make you happy when I couldn’t.   I am glad you had someone.   You deserved to have someone.   I have managed to fuck everything up.  Time and time again.   I hope anyone who reads your blog knows you are not a bad person.  you are an excellent person.  An amazing mother.  And you were a perfect wife when I treated you like a husband should.

I cant tell you what pills do to me.  I know you don’t understand how they have more importantce than you, i don’t even understand that either.   I feel like someone other than me makes me swallow them.   I have this constant battle in my mind and heart and it is always over you.   my head telling me to swallow and my heart telling me to grow up and be a man and claim my family.  My wife.

I remember when you respected me like I was the most important thing in the world.  You say it is because I treated you that way too.  I would do anything to get back to that place.   I just think I have hurt you too much.    You are beautiful, kind, patient, loving, and way to good for me.

If I ran into B, I truly think I would thank him for loving you when I was an asshole and couldn’t.  At least I know you were happy during my unhappiest of times.

I watch you sleeping and wonder how I could have hurt you so much.  Wonder how you have found it in you to forgive me time and time again.   Wonder how you managed to keep our home, keep it clean, keep the kids in sports, attend those sports, get them to all their activities and keep our house clean and the yard work done.  While I was where?  Half the time I don’t even remember.  30 pills would last me a day maybe two.

You took your retirement money and put me in rehab.   I blew that.

I feel as though I blew everything.  Please know if I knew how to make my heart speak louder than my mind we would be perfect.

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14 thoughts on “I found this in my draft folder. CRAP. Guess he didn’t know how to post it? Or maybe he wasn’t done.

  1. Being Her, I’d say you are a pretty lucky lady to know that your husband loves you this much. Maybe this can be a step for healing between the two of you? WOW.

  2. And it doesn’t seem like he really knows how to figure out what your blog is….maybe he never figured out your address?

    I think he deserves to know the truth about things. He needs to know that, yes, HE made you happy. But he also needs assurance that you want to be with him. And that is here, too. Hopefully he read all of that, too.

  3. He is saying sorry…but he’s not saying he can or will change. It’s like he’s given up. Sure he loves you. He needs you….
    And you feel compassion. But are you enabling him? Are you codependent?
    I can feel your pain. How can it end?
    It’s so tough on everyone concerned.

  4. This is so lovely, he seems like such an understanding and reasonable person and it’s wonderful how he portrays you. If he still is using he does need help of some kind, maybe it will be more useful now he has admitted his problem. Maybe seeing this blog will open his eyes to the pain he has caused you. Maybe that’s what he needs to throw him into sanity.

  5. This sounds very much like something my husband would have written, minus the OM stuff. It is good that he has some realization of what you are feeling. The important thing is what he does with it. I hope you two can really communicate about this.

  6. “Wooooooow” was all I could say after reading this. Good guy though, You don’t get that type of reaction from guys these days.

    At some point in our hectic relationships, we have to be real and accept the things we just cannot change. I’ve been through something a bit similar, and I could’ve either got upset and tried to ruin her and the other guy’s life, or be real with myself and admit that I wasn’t good enough for her, and she deserved better. No matter how much I loved her and had become comfortable with her in my life, I really did not deserve her.

    Before relationships, there was always that time where we all get to know our partners and develop feelings for them, so even after the relationship has ended, we should still want that person to be happy. Like, how could you love or care for someone and not want them to be happy, with or without you.

    Good stuff though. We just gotta accept things for what it is and continue that pursuit of happiness and success.

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