Okay, where to start with THAT last post.

I was so shocked.  So not sure what to do with that.

Sweet?  Yes.  Kind?  Yes.  Amazing?  Yes.  Honest? Yes.   He is good at talking though.   I DO think he is sincere.  I do.  He has always been sincere.  Remember the lawyers office?  He said all the right things.  He moved me.  Made me not know which end was up.   I just hear this all the time.  I think he means it but how many times can you say the sweet words and not do anything?   I know, I know, he is addicted to pills.  I should understand right?  I have UNDERSTOOD for years now.   Like the day he wrote this.  Let me just say something.   One of my complaints to him is he has missed so much of his kids growing up.  HE AGREED. He said, (REMEMBER) that he didn’t know his child could ride a bike???  He keeps saying he wants to be there.   Remember his daughters first day of shcool was missed and she was upset about it?  Well he missed his daughters lacrosse game.   He not only missed it, but thought I was at a baseball game.   THIS is the stuff I am forced to see when he is writing sweet stuff like this letter.  I am so torn.   I see his sweet but feel his pain.   I hear his words but absorb his actions.   I know his heart, but know his past.   I know he loves me but I cant hold my breath forever.  What else can I do.   One of my blogging friends said maybe this is a good thing for him to read.  He will see what HE meant to you but that you are choosing and want your husband.   (close to that anyway),  I loved that comment.   If anything is Not just black or white, it is this blog.   It is honest and smack dab in the middle full on grey.  What I feel.  Hands down.  All truths.   Another blogger said maybe this is what he needed to wake up.  I wonder how much he read.    Did he have time to read EVERYTHING?  Or just brush over it?  Did he have any feelings on THIS POST?  The post where HE had emailed me?  Wow or even the ones WAY in the beginning when I was so broken?  Whatever.   If he did he did.  He needs to know his actions directly affect where my life is going to go.   He needs to be stronger than his addiction.   Somehow.   I have tried everything I know to try.  I have spent every extra dime I have trying to help him.   I have tried doctors, family, walking away, divorce attorneys and having an affair.   Guess what?  Selfishly the happiest I have been during this entire addiction process is when I selfishly thought of myself and let myself love someone.   And those actions moved him into the cleanest months he has had yet.  He just gets comfortable and we start doing good and shit starts again.   I am becoming numb to the cycle.   I love him.   I do.  I always have.   He acts different.  He looks different.   He has aged.  He is tired.   He is becoming a stranger to me.   It is so hard to explain.    I have given HIM up, even when HE attempts to talk to me.   I have fully focused on my marriage and I don’t feel like I have received the same back.    I love my husband so much.   But all the love in the world can’t save him from what he struggles with.  He has to do that on his own.  My fear is it won’t be in time to save us, as much as I would like to wait.   My biggest fear is it will kill him and my kids and I will have to deal with that.   Harsh? Yes.  Its sadly a very possible reality.  So my wall is always up.   My daughter won her game by the way and wondered where her dad was.  Again.

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7 thoughts on “Okay, where to start with THAT last post.

  1. I am so sorry that you and your kids have to go through this terrible ordeal. It sounds like pretty soon you are going to have to make a decision and follow through with it. 😦

    • I decided to work on my marriage. I am working on it oh so hard. I wish I felt like he was. Next week will be different. He will work harder the week I feel like giving up. Then we will have an awesome week and then he will fall. I. HATE. THIS. CIRCLE.

  2. “I think he means it but how many times can you say the sweet words and not do anything?”

    “I hear his words but absorb his actions. I know his heart, but know his past. I know he loves me but I cant hold my breath forever.”

    “He just gets comfortable and we start doing good and shit starts again.”

    “I love my husband so much. But all the love in the world can’t save him from what he struggles with. He has to do that on his own.”

    I could have written all of this. I might have written some of that almost verbatim on my blog or in my journal, actually. So, I really know what’s going on in your mind. It’s like an internal ping pong game.

    The crappy part of it all is that there is nothing you can do to speed his recovery along. He either has to commit all the way or not. I do want to caution you that all the sweet words in the world aren’t worth one actual action. Hopefully reading your words will sink deep, but only he knows for sure.

    Don’t mean to be Debbie Downer. He could change. He could really get it and start an active recovery. My husband did when I was almost out of hope. Yours could, too.

  3. I’m so sorry, again I relate… On so many levels… I’m the one who had an affair on my husband, yet the one who is battling (clean 45 days) a r/x drug abuse addiction thanks to being a 20+ year chronic migraine sufferer. He is the one I just discovered has his own 20 year addiction to porn, strippers, and more recently reaching out to escorts and other services. It sucks. It ALL sucks. I missed 90 days last year b/c I was in rehab. 90 days with our kids. Two months before that b/c we were separated and I was off the chain. We’ve since reconciled, gone through a devastating miscarriage at the cusp of the second trimester, and now dealing with the rawness of this most current blow to an already dysfunctional, hurting marriage. I get it- I feel for you- from reading through my sober being- I’m SO sorry. It’s a horrific disease I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. It gives no mercy. Hang tough…there IS hope for recovery- I am living proof…one day at a time.

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